why

The Power of Understanding: Exploring the ‘Why’ in Coaching

 in quote  tagged Aristotle / coach / coaching / knowledge / quote / why
A watercoloured ombre effect background with more of a red/pink tone at the edge going through orange to yellow in the centre. In the orange and red/pink tones there are flecks of white. In the forefront of the image to the right there are 5 books stood on there end, leaning at an angle against an unseen object, out of sight of the right of this image. The text in the centre reads: "Knowledge of the fact differs from knowledge of the reason for the fact." (Aristotle)

Todays quote is:

“Knowledge of the fact differs from knowledge of the reason for the fact,” (Aristotle)

This quote prompted me to consider the role of understanding in coaching. In the realm of coaching, we often wield effective strategies, techniques, and methods to guide our clients. However, how crucial is it for coaches to comprehend the ‘why’ behind their approach? In this blog post, I briefly cover my thoughts as I contemplated the impact of understanding on coaching effectiveness.

The Importance of Understanding:

As coaches, the question arises: How important is it for us to understand the ‘why’ behind our coaching approaches? This pondering will also probably leads us to examine our own coaching philosophies and methodologies. While some coaching schools discourage the use of ‘why’ in a coaching session. let’s momentarily set aside those constraints and explore the potential impact of a deeper understanding when looking at the topic of coaching.

One of the things that often can jump out to me as a client talks is what’s suggested as the foundations behind what is being said – if there is an innocent misunderstanding being suggested underpinning what looks like a fact to them? If so that will give me a clue of what direction to go in next.

Flexibility in Coaching:

In my personal experience, an understanding of the principles underlying my coaching approach enhances flexibility when working with clients. It allows for a more dynamic adaptation of approaches to suit individual needs. The ‘why’ becomes a guiding light, enabling me to navigate through diverse client scenarios with more agility and precision.

For me personally, its also one of the reasons why I have continued to explore this understanding. I happen to believe that as a coach my style and approach have evolved naturally – its seldom been about having a major goal I’ve decided upon when its come to that, its what has naturally unfolded as I’ve seen and learnt more.

Impact on Coaching Effectiveness:

How about you, fellow coaches? In your experience, does having a greater understanding around the coaching approach enhance its effectiveness? Does a deep comprehension of the ‘why’ make your coaching more impactful when working with clients? Alternatively, have you found success in simply implementing strategies without delving into the intricacies of their underlying principles?

Personal Perspectives:

For some, knowing the ‘why’ may be a cornerstone of their coaching practice, providing a solid foundation for client interactions. For others, the focus might be on the tangible implementation of proven methods, with less emphasis on the underlying theories. I’m sure there’s also some who fall in the middle of those two perspectives!

Aristotle’s words invite us to contemplate the interplay between knowledge of facts and understanding the reasons behind them in the context of coaching. As coaches, we navigate a dynamic landscape where the ‘why’ can add depth and flexibility to our practice. Whether you find empowerment in understanding the ‘why’ or thrive in the realm of simply practical application, the essence of effective coaching lies in the positive impact we create for our clients.

Share your thoughts and experiences below. How does your understanding of the ‘why’ impact your coaching journey? Let’s continue the conversation on the ever-evolving path of coaching effectiveness.

About Jen Waller

Jen Waller

Jen Waller is on a mission to support, nurture and encourage coaching skills and talents from non-coach to coach and beyond.

As an experienced coach and trainer Jen is happy to utilise all skills at her disposal to assist clients from getting out of their own way and making a difference in the world with their coaching. Find out more about the suppurt Jen offers here.

Three ways personal development may be making you bad at marketing 1

 in Guest Post  tagged business coach / business coaching / charging / clean language / client / clients / coach / coaches / coaching / coaching courses / coaching qualifications / coaching skills / coaching techniques / coaching training / executive coach / Judy Rees / leadership coaching / life coach / life coaches / life coaching / limitless / marketing / nlp coach / performance coaching / personal coach / personal development / positive / tranceforming communications / why / x-ray listening

In this week’s guest post Judy Rees shares her expertise and thoughts about what may be a reason you are struggling for clients.

Three ways personal development may be making you bad at marketing

By Judy Rees

I’m fed up with meeting “struggling coaches”! Every workshop, networking event or conference I go to (and I go to a lot), I seem to bump into dozens of coaches and therapists who are struggling to find paying clients.

I’d understand it if these guys weren’t so skilled. But the “strugglers” included people with fantastic skills as catalysts of transformation; people I’d even trust to coach me! And while they were unhappy and stuck, the people they might have helped were staying unhappy and stuck, too.

I got so fed up that I decided to do something about it, using Clean Language coaching blended with a little internet-marketing fairy dust.

I offered dozens of free “sweet spot sessions” to struggling coaches, helping them to find places where their unique skills, knowledge, experience and passion coincided with the needs of a hungry crowd, waving wads of fivers and keen to work with them.

We proved the crowds were there – one woman found that more than 13m people per month were searching for exactly the kind of service she could provide. And nobody else was serving those people. They were searching for help, and getting none.

And in the process, I realised that as coaches, we get in our own way. There are some lessons we’ve picked up in our personal development that are tripping almost everybody up.

Here are three ways personal development may be making you bad at marketing:

3. Deleting the word ‘why’. Particularly on NLP courses, we’re discouraged from asking ‘why?’ There are perfectly valid reasons for this – but over time, not asking why can become a habit. And that means you’ve accidentally deleted one of the most compelling ways of convincing someone to work with you.

Make sure you know why you offer great value; why people chose to work with you and not somebody else, why you structure your programmes as you do. And remember, once you get a potential client talking about their challenges, it’s legitimate to ask why their challenge is a problem for them. Then you can step in as the solution!

2. Presenting yourself as limitless. Most coaching skills are very generic: you probably can help pretty much anyone achieve pretty much anything. But people’s problems are very special – and when you have a special problem, you seek out a specialist solution. If you had a serious illness, who would you prefer to ask for help?

“I can do anything for anybody” marketing also makes people suspicious of your claims, and makes it difficult to present supporting evidence.

I’m violently opposed to the idea of “finding your niche” as a coach. I haven’t come all this way just to be pigeonholed! However, I do favour starting the journey with a single step, and focussing on one specific kind of problem (perhaps one where you have some success stories to tell) is a great way to begin.

1. Staying positive. I love ‘solution focussed’ coaching. I love being able to work with clients to figure out what’s gone right; what’s working; and what they would like to have happen.

And that can be a problem, particularly when I’m talking to a potential client. Because its people who have problems who buy solutions. It’s people who are experiencing pain who spend money to change things.

If you’re busy spreading sweetness and light, while everyone around seems ‘negative’ and obsessed with problems, you’re failing to pace your potential clients’ experience. You may be making yourself forget your troubles. But by sabotaging your own marketing efforts, you’ll also be prolonging them.

About the Author/Further Resources

Judy Rees is an author, mentor and information marketer, and an expert in Clean Language and metaphor. Her blog is at www.xraylistening.com

If you’d like to find out more about the sweet spot sessions and perhaps book a session of your own, go to www.tranceformingcommunications.com

Loving Communication: A Coach’s View 1

 in Guest Post  tagged Anja Schuetz / behaviour / business coach / business coaching / charging / client / clients / coach / coaches / coaching / coaching courses / coaching qualifications / coaching skills / coaching techniques / coaching training / executive coach / eye contact / focus / hands / intention / Iyanla Vanzant / judge / leadership coaching / life coach / life coaches / life coaching / loving communication / nlp coach / non-verbal communication / Oprah Winfrey / performance coaching / personal coach / personal development / why

In today’s guest post coach Anja Schuetz shares her expertise and thoughts on loving communication.

Loving Communication: A Coach’s View

by Anja Schuetz

The Dutch TV aired a re-run of an Oprah episode the other day, where Iyanla Vanzant returns to the show after 11 years. Oprah and her had parted ways 11 years ago after a “betrayal” and this was the first time they saw each other again. As viewers we became witness to a conversation in which they may or may not make up.

I loved how Iyanla set the tone by starting the conversation with a sincere, heartfelt apology:

Oprah 1

“I love you. I have always loved you and had nothing but positive regard for you. And I am now so sorry. I am aware of how my behavior and my choices could have appeared to you and been experienced by you as betrayal. Please forgive me. Please! That was not my intention. Ever.”

Notice how she takes Oprah’s hands and keeps eye contact as she apologizes. Even though the conversation gets a little heated later on – this strong acknowledgment from both sides in the very beginning set the right intention for both parties and allowed them to keep coming back to a common ground – compassionately and even humorous at times.

It is evident that both party’s intention is to understand each other’s behaviors, reasonings and intentions during that conflict eleven years ago and then MOVE ON from there, while re-newing their relationship.

It is fascinating to watch their language, which doesn’t contain any blame or negative energy. Rather than “But you said…!” they phrase their statements like this “What I heard you saying/What I thought you were saying, is…” Can you hear the difference? It says, ”I’m not holding you responsible for how I feld about what I heard.” As opposed to “You made me feel bad!” It creates an open space. It allows the sender of the message to see how their words arrived on the other side. It bypasses their ego and wins over the desire to be right.

You never told me you liked me…

We all live in our own reality. We all judge situations by the way we see them; by the way we see the world. However how we see the world is colored by how we see ourselves. And how we see ourselves is coloured by our past experiences and the beliefs and rules we have made up for ourselves.

This becomes so very clear in the second part of the following small clip, where Iyanla says, “You never told me you liked me!” and Oprah is flabbergasted how Iyanla could have possibly missed how much she liked her (through the actions and behavior she showed to Iyanla).

Oprah 2

Oprah and Iyanla Vanzant’s Misunderstanding

While this is clear evidence of Oprah and Iyanla speaking different love languages it becomes also clear that Iyanla wouldn’t have “heard” it no matter what language Oprah had spoken. Because she didn’t feel she deserved it. Because according to her own made-up rules, she felt she hadn’t worked hard enough for this yet.

The fame and the opportunities came too early in her perception. That’s why she couldn’t allow herself to receive. Watch how important it is to her to be heard by Oprah, who at first really doesn’t get it, because she doesn’t live by the same limiting rules.

We never know what’s going on in the other person. We never have the full story. We never truly know their feelings and fears, which might have influenced their behavior. Yet we constantly guess and then take our guesses for the truth.

 

Focus on intention!

Every behavior follows a positive intention. We make decisions and behave according to what makes sense to us at the time. However this doesn’t always make sense to other people.

If someone behaves strangely in our eyes, most of us make up a story that fits our image of the world, as to why they are behaving that way. Rather than entering a clarifying conversation, we label them “stupid” and we might even read their minds and tell other people “He thinks he is the king of the world!!” We constantly interpret behaviors and attach meanings to them that make sense to us.

Rather than judging people’s behavior, let’s try and focus on their intention instead. The only way to find out the other person’s intention is to ask them. Open a dialogue and ask, “What was your intention, when you did that?”

Can you hear the difference to “Why did you do that??”

The word “why?” forces the other person into defensive mode and asks for justification of past behavior. It’s a very loaded question and can come across in itself as a judgment. Just imagine someone saying it to you, including the hidden second part of the question, “Why did you do that, you [adjective] [noun]??” 🙂

“What was your intention?” is pretty much the same question, however it sounds a lot less loaded and it’s constructive. It keeps you both looking forward; it keeps you focused on a solution, not on blame and as you agree that the intention was good, you only need to find a better method (=behavior) together on how to follow through on that positive intention.

There are always two goals in any situation: One is to achieve a certain outcome, the other is to maintain our relationships with the people involved.

This is the whole meaning of the quote “Nobody can win an argument.”

As important as it is to focus on our own intentions to achieve our goals in life, as important it is to focus on other people’s intentions before we judge them.

Or better yet… INSTEAD of judging them.

About the Author/Further Resources

Anja Schuetz is a Recognition Professional and Coach. By day she works with managers to use more loving communication in the workplace and by night she coaches women through uncertainty to confidence.

She is also the author of the People Management Coaching Cards at www.selfcoachingcards.eu.

Find out more about Anja at www.anjaschuetz.net or connect with her on Facebook.com/virtualanja or Twitter @virtualanja.

Why, oh why, oh why?

 in Coaching  tagged business coach / business coaching / call centre / coach / coaches / coaching / coaching content / coaching courses / coaching model / coaching preparation / coaching qualifications / coaching skills / coaching techniques / coaching welcome pack / employ / executive coach / flexible / Free resource / GROW / High performance coaching / leadership coaching / life coach / life coaches / life coaching / mastery / performance coaching / personal development / possibility / questions / why

On Mondays post a comment by Dave Doran asked my thoughts about using the question why. I thought Dave’s question was great and an interesting topic that deserved a post all of it’s own. So here are more thoughts:

Some of you may have attended a training that has specifically taught you that in coaching you never, ever ask the question why? I know, I’ve attended those courses as well 🙂

There are reasons why the question why is often taught not to be asked to new coaches. Asking the question why can have a negative effect upon a coaching conversation. There is much to be said about that negative influence but to keep this post to a reasonable length perhaps the two main impacts are:

  • Asking the question why can cause an individual to feel attacked in some form, resulting in defensive answers.
  • It can focus the attention upon the past rather than in the present or future.

I’d hope that anyone who has been taught not to ask the question why also focuses upon what they want to achieve with a question and the potential outcome rather than just not saying the word why. Just because you don’t physically use the word why, it does not mean that your question doesn’t focus someone’s attention towards past events.

For example the question, “how come?” doesn’t contain the word why but potentially provides exactly the same answer if the client had just said “I don’t feel wonderful at the moment.” Equally in some situations you can provoke a defensive response with the phrase “What were you thinking?”

When Dave asked about what I personally felt about using the question why I replied that I didn’t rule out the possibility of asking the question why. For me, it’s about still having the flexibility to use it in appropriate situations and contexts. When I do use the question why, I do so deliberately and often it is woven into a much bigger framework of the work that I am doing. I know the reason why I am asking why.

So having said that I wouldn’t rule out asking the question why I thought I’d expand on the situations and contexts I may use the question why:

If my client tells me that they keep asking themselves why.

Anything a client tells me they keep asking themselves is potentially a question worth answering so I often check if they’ve actually listened for an answer. Listening for an answer may seem obvious but often people stop at the question and use that thought as a reason to beat themselves up.

To discover motivation /why something is important.

In some contexts it can be beneficial for a client to be aware about why something is important to them. Often this is an answer that is not based about something that has happened in the past so you don’t have the consequence of getting bogged down with a story about historic events.

Asking why may reveal individuals values, if they want to get away from a situation or if they want to move towards something new.

Discover somebody’s limiting beliefs

I normally only ask why for this purpose when I’m pretty certain I know what those limiting beliefs are and want to tackle them head on. I’m often looking to get the precise wording that they are telling themselves. It’s also something I usually only use if I feel that the trust is there between us – it will minimise any potential defensive feelings.

Mastery

You may have heard of a theory in learning called the steps to learning, or the conscious competence theory. In this model of learning it is considered the 4th stage is unconscious competence, when someone is so comfortable with a skill that they can do it without thinking about it.

Does that mean that when you’ve learnt to do something naturally it can’t be improved or strengthened? Personally I don’t subscribe to that belief, so if the context of the coaching is around improving an individuals skills I may very easily ask a why question. Asking why in that situation will bring those skills back to the conscious stage. Or as I have heard Michael Neill describe as a conscious unconscious competence stage, which can otherwise be referred to it as mastery.

Let me re-stress that these are just scenarios where I might consider using a why question. In practice I choose each question depending upon what the person in front of me (or on the phone) has just said – it’s a bespoke service not a one size fits all approach. 🙂 I’m also not condemning any coach who chooses not to ask a why question. If you are a coach I invite you to consider, at an appropriate time, why you are using a particular question.

You may not agree with what I have said above and I’m happy for that to be the case, feel free to tell me so below. Alternatively, if there is a situation when you would use the question why I haven’t mentioned I’d love for you to share those as well.