Monthly Archives: August 2011


You Did What With Your Hands? 2

In this week’s guest post, Jeff Thompson shares his expertise and thoughts on a subject that will apply to coaches of all niches who meet clients (and potential clients) face to face.

You Did What With Your Hands?

Seriously, Hand Gestures Are Important

by Jeff Thompson

Hand gestures and hand placement are important.We use them all the time yet either their importance is often discounted or they are stated as being the obvious.What do I mean by importance?They are important as they can help us be more effective communicators or contribute to misunderstandings. The obvious comments are often “of course that gesture means that” however are you fully aware of the gestures you use and those used by others?

As coaching, conflict and communication professionals, not only what we say is important but also what we do. This brief article will give some examples of gestures and hand placement that often can reflect an emotional state the person is feeling, as well as being used to compliment or contradict the verbal message being delivered.

This blog post is listed in sections as each one can be read and practiced on its own, while collectively it gives a good starting point (pun to be intended) to becoming aware of the important role of hand gestures and placement.

Firstly:I approach nonverbal communication, and for this blog article solely gestures, from a social semiotic perspective.What does that mean?It means approaching it from 3 steps

1)Identify the gesture used (this is semantics for the geeks out there like me)

2)Determine how is the gesture used in combination with other gestures (syntactics)

3)Explore what the gesture means, especially given the context of the situation (pragmatics)

Feelings or Communication? Hand gestures can communicative or emotional based.Sometimes both.

Is the gesture congruent with the words being spoken?Often when the gesture being used does not match with the words being spoken, it is the gesture that people tend to believe to be more truthful.Have a look at the images below and imagine each person saying they feel confident.Which is more believable?

Intentional or Unintentional?Calling out people and telling them they are not comfortable because they touched the back of their neck could very well be true but often people are not aware of these unintentional gestures (these are called adaptors).The uber-scientific term for this is “leakage.” Really.

Being aware of them does not equal telling people overtly. Rather, observing them helps you prepare what to say or do next.

Also, in regards to intentional or unintentional gestures, ask yourself if the message is being received the way you intended?Consider varying gestures based on cultures and geographic location.The “V” peace sign has a much different meaning based on which way you palm is facing (towards you or the other) and many of the UK readers can vouch for that.

Much more everyday examples include, as further discussed below is pointing your finger.Your intended use of pointing is the gesture form of the exclamation point- you really mean what you are saying.However, the other person thinks you are being rude or condescending and confrontational.No matter what you intention is, it is the person decoding it that has greater importance.

Hand To head or Head to Hand?Ever notice the difference between the two? The first can show interest while the latter often is a sign of boredom.Make a ‘note to self’ to avoid this while working with clients!

Which version do you see below?

Did you really need to point your finger?Pointing can be confrontational. When I think about pointing, it reminds me of teachers or my mother yelling at me (which is negative!).Consider this next time you choose to point at someone. As an alternative, consider doing “The Obama”(second picture).

 

What’s the point (pun intended!) of this and how does it apply to conflict coaching and others who work in conflict resolution?Well, firstly being aware of your own use of gestures can help you be more effective. Did you point and didn’t realize it?Did you notice the person say “I am fine with that” yet at the same time they started fidgeting with their necklace?

Nonverbal communication is not a definitive science but it is a science none the less.I look at it as offering another viewpoint, often one that is subtle and subconscious yet can help you communicate more effectively as well as understands others- especially when you are trying to assist them during a conflict.

For more on this have a look at a brief presentation [here] or by click the image below on semiotics and nonverbal communication.It has lots of finger pointing!

 

Also, feel free to follow me on twitter & my blogs:

For nonverbal communication @NonverbalPhD www.NonverbalPhD.com

For conflict resolution @MediatorJeff www.EnjoyMediation.com

About the Author/Further Resources

Jeff Thompson is based in New York City and is a professional mediator certified with the New York Peace Institute and the International Mediation Institute (IMI). He is currently a Ph.D. candidate at Griffith University Law School (Australia) and has a MS in Negotiation and Dispute Resolution from Creighton University. Jeff is employed as a Detective in law enforcement working as a conflict specialist while also engaging in interfaith issues. Jeff’s blog, Enjoy Mediation (http://www.EnjoyMediation.com) is a featured blog at Mediate.com and IMImediation.org. Comments are always welcome- email Jeff at Je***********@**********du.au and follow him on twitter: @NonverbalPhD and @MediatorJeff


The self-care habit

“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.”

(Aristotle)

This week I’m sticking with the topic of self care and what you can do if you love the idea, want to play some more but somehow when it would really help you to remember to pay attention you forget all about this idea.

What if you could use the things that you find give you a boost and, if you choose to, make them a habit? Today I am going to talk a bit about how you can take what you already know and turn it into habit.

I know that habits often get a bad press and there is no doubt that some habits have undesirable consequences. A habit is just something that you do automatically without thinking about it. I’m sure you probably already know that the habits that I’m talking about have results that you want in a manner you’re happy with having.

So how do you go about turning a technique into a habit and increase your chances of using it when you need it most? The secret is to actually use the technique – and I do mean more than just the once. The knowledge that it works for you is one thing but you’re not going to get the benefit unless you use that method!

Now that may sound simple, and it is, but the thing that often prevents people from doing that is that they get caught up in the regular routine and their good intentions of practicing fly out the window.

Here are two ways to include practicing techniques and methods into your regular routine with ease.

1) Build it into your schedule.

Think about all the things you do as part of your regular routine without having to give it any thought. Perhaps it’s something that you do at a particular time of day or on a particular evening. For example if it’s Tuesday then it must be …

Then there are all the things that you have set in a specific order in your routine which are now so automatic. Do you really have to think about cleaning your teeth in the morning and many people automatically check for their keys each time they leave their home.

Use what you already do to make incorporating the things that work for you into your life easily. Perhaps it’s something that you can do at a specific time of day – i.e. spending 5 minutes at lunchtime. Maybe it’s something that you can build into your existing routine – if your day involves a daily commute by train perhaps its something you could do then.

Building it into your regular routine ensures that you have actually got the time to start doing something. You will be the expert on your unique schedule and remember that this is about building it into your life so that it works for you.

For example: When Jo looked at the things that, when she did them, she had a better day she discovered that being reminded of her accomplishments helped to keep things in perspective and she didn’t blow other things out of proportion. She decides to spend 5 minutes at the start of her working day, before checking any email, to just “reconnect” (i.e. list) her accomplishments. She finds that this puts her in a much better mindset for whatever the rest of the day brings.

Bob likes an exercise that involves visualising and squeezing his thumb and finger together. (Click here for full details) Bob find’s that he can spend 2 minutes doing that immediately after he has had his evening meal.

Rachel discovered that travelling a certain route to work may add 5 minutes onto her journey but was far less crowded so she arrived more relaxed and ready to focus on the job at hand. She found that leaving that 5 minutes early was not only far more pleasant but she got more done in that first hour at work as well.

2) External reminder

Perhaps there is a technique that you know that, when you use it, works brilliantly. However in the “heat of the moment” you get caught up and don’t always use it. Using an external reminder in such a situation is ideal.

Remember it needs to be a reminder that will actually give you a nudge at the right moment. Think about the situation you want to apply this in and the things that will attract your attention particularly if you are focussing upon something else.

It’s probably worth mentioning here that a sticky note often has an initial impact when you first look at it but it often then becomes part of your surroundings and will not grab your attention in the same way as an alarm or a pop up on your computer.

For example, Brian knew that he feels more confident when he sits/stands in a particular posture. He choose to set his mobile phone alarm every hour to let him check how he was sitting and standing and alter his posture if needed.

Lisa knew that spending 10 minutes admiring the view from her kitchen window in the morning was great for her. She decided that sticking a sticky note on the top of her breakfast cereal packet would force her to see it and move it if she wanted to have her breakfast. The note had that initial impact for which sticky notes are so ideal.

This week I invite you to play with the following:

1. Think of all the things that you know that, if you did them, makes a positive difference to your day – if you played with the exercise a couple of weeks ago you will already have a ready made list.

2. From your list pick 1 that most appeals and you are happy with the consequences.

3. If you choose to, how could you build this into your schedule?
How else could you do that?

4. If you choose to, how could you set up an external reminder to use this more?
How else could you do that?

5. If you want repeat steps 3 – 5 picking another item on your list.

Have a lovely week full of using your own knowledge.

Love

Jen

This was originally posted on www.YourChangingDirection.com