Coaching Quote of the Day 5th September 2015
“I go to nature to be soothed and healed, and to have my senses put in order.”
(John Burroughs)
senses
Coaching Quote of the Day 1st May 2014
“Suffering itself does less afflict the senses than the apprehension of suffering.”
(Quintilian)
Let your body do the talking 1
Coach Charlotte Green shares some of her expertise and knowledge in today’s guest post:
Let your body do the talking
By Charlotte Green, founder of Inner Confidence for Women
I am often asked whether ‘feelings’ and ‘emotions’ are the same or different – are they interchangeable words or do they mean different things?
Feelings and emotions are certainly related concepts and that is why they are often confused and treated as the same thing, and in many cases that works well. But when we, as coaches, are helping clients to really know and understand themselves, it can be really useful to differentiate between the two.
So what is the difference?
Feelings are in the moment. They are what we experience physically within our bodies and through our 5 senses. It’s useful to refer to them as physical feelings. Unlike our emotions, they do not involve the mind. Emotions on the other hand are a mental interpretation of the feelings we are experiencing mixed in with our thoughts.
When asked how they feel, I notice that people respond on one of three levels. Some respond with a thought – “I’ve got so much going on” – others give an emotion – “I’m finding it hard to cope” – or they go inside and describe exactly what their body is telling them – “I feel so tense and exhausted. Everything aches.”
Here is a table to show examples of the 3 levels:
[table width=”600″ colwidth=”75|175|75|275″ colalign=”centre|left|left|left|”]
,,,,
Level 1:,’no one will help me’,Thought ,An idea or opinion produced by thinking / a mental picture – imagined and contemplated in the mind influenced by life experiences
Level 2:,’I feel anxious’,emotion,A combination of thoughts and physical feelings – an interpretation
Level 3:,’My shoulders feel really tense and my stomach is in knots’,feeling,Physical experiences within the body and information received through one of the bodies 5 senses (touch/ taste/ smell/ sound/ sight)
[/table]
So, which level do we want to be working with?
We are a holistic system and need information from each of the 3 levels to be fully resourceful and yet, in the western society we overemphasise the importance of the mind. This means that thoughts can dominate and hijack the system resulting in stress and overwhelm.
By paying attention to all the messages we receive from our thoughts, emotions and feelings we maintain a balanced and informed system, each giving us feedback that helps us be safe as well as to develop and grow. Imbalance occurs when one level dominates or hijacks another or we shut one down. There is no hero or villain in this situation – each part of the emotional system is equally valid and essential and deserves attention.
EXAMPLE – Inviting client to connect to themselves at a deeper level
Here is an excerpt from a recent coaching session (I have client’s permission to share this) where I was inviting my client to connect to themselves more deeply. They move down through all three levels shown in the table above. For those of you who use NLP, this can be a great tool for accessing positive states to anchor.
Coach: How are you feeling today?
Client: I’ve had a good day (thought)
Coach: I know you said that you have had a difficult few weeks so that’s really good to hear. How are you feeling?
Client: I’m happy (emotion)
Coach: How do you know you are happy?
Client: work went OK, got time with my partner tonight and looking forward to getting together with friends tomorrow (thoughts)
Coach: they sound like a lot of good reasons (thoughts) why you might feel happy. Let’s go inside more and find out how you experience that within your body. How does your body let you know it’s happy? What do you notice about your body right now? How do you feel?
Client: I feel a bit tingly all over and I have a big smile on my face (feelings)
Coach: Just sit with that feeling for a moment. You can turn up the volume if you want …
Client: (smiling) Wow! I feel lovely. My breathing has really slowed down and deepened. I feel really calm and relaxed.
How to apply this to your coaching
- Introduce the emotional system to your clients and encourage them to check in with themselves regularly throughout the day:
- Simply ask yourself “how do I feel right now”
- Then notice at which level you answer
- Practice moving up and down the levels, particularly going down if you tend to start from thoughts
- Moving from thoughts to emotions “how am I feeling right now”
- Moving from emotions to thoughts “what am I thinking about right now”
- Moving from emotions to feelings “what am I physically feeling in my body”
- As a coach, remember to walk your talk and check your own emotional system is flowing and that all 3 areas have your attention. It will improve your intuitive abilities to coach and help you build rapport with your clients.
- You can shift physical feelings simply by being present with your breath (mindfulness) so this is a very effective method of managing stress. Give your breath your full attention – it takes practice but in my experience the calm comes quickly and feels really good.
Although I have been a coach since 2006, I have specialised in working with women for the last 4 years, and more recently with young adults, both of which are hugely rewarding. In my experience, developing a complete emotional language has been a massively influential part of my client’s successful transformations.
Women in particular, who are often so tuned into and committed to the wellbeing of other people’s emotions, have found that having the permission and skills to tune into themselves has enabled them to break free of limiting behaviours, thoughts and habits and be able to create a much more balanced and satisfying life.
I hope you and your clients enjoy exploring your emotional systems.
About Charlotte Green
Charlotte founded Inner Confidence for Women in 2006 after a fascinating corporate career managing an international training team for a global electronic publisher where she and her team ran workshops within Universities and Government organisations across Europe, Middle East and Africa. Although she gained invaluable experience and skills from the corporate world, her real passion lay within personal development.
Inner Confidence for Women specialises in self confidence, self esteem and emotional wellbeing for women and young people. Charlotte is incredibly passionate about her work and reaches her clients through running courses, workshops and through 121 coaching.
Charlotte was inspired to focus on working with women after the birth of her daughter in 2010. “Being around so many women who put their own needs to the bottom of the pile while they made sure everyone else was OK really spoke to me. I love helping women find themselves again, or for the first time. It is a joy to encourage women to raise their self esteem and self confidence so they can embrace their lives”
As a professional trainer as well as a coach, Charlotte is able to reach a wider audience creating and delivering workshops to inspire young adult carers in Suffolk. “When an 18 year stays behind after the workshop to tell me excitedly about how they used the new tools and techniques to improve a situation that normally spirals out of control, it is one of the most rewarding feelings in the world”.
Charlotte believes that unexpressed emotions are like a drunk relative at a wedding – they corner you and won’t leave you alone! As an accredited Peer Support Network trainer she co-runs courses on behalf of a local Mind charity, Suffolk Mind, helping people to learn how to notice, accept, express and understand their own emotions so they can increase their confidence and wellbeing.
Charlotte is passionate about helping people to believe in themselves “when you believe in yourself, anything is possible”
Find out more, get in touch, like, follow, tweet (!) …
Twitter : @ICforWomen
Blog: http://innerconfidenceforwomen.wordpress.com/
Website : www.innerconfidenceforwomen.co.uk
Facebook: www.facebook.com/Innerconfidenceforwomen
Discover your ‘Book of Rules’…
In this week’s guest post Evolved Master Coach Morgan Tinline shares insights and explainations about how we are “wired.”
Discover your ‘Book of Rules’…
by Morgan Tinline
As an Evolved Master Coach, I work almost entirely with the unconscious mind – also called the conditioned mind. This is where clients experience lasting change that happens very quickly. I assist clients to essentially change their ‘wiring’ so that they choose to be cause and create the life they desire.
As is my foremost objective when in a coaching session, I want to offer you the opportunity to gain massive value from this post simply by enjoying it for yourself in whatever way is best for you!
So, from my perspective as an Evolved Master Coach, I want to share with you some information on how we are ‘wired’ and more importantly, how that ‘wiring’ serves us as individuals on an unconscious level. And of course, I’d love for you to gain insights into how to change that wiring almost effortlessly!
Let’s start with how we perceive and process our world…
Internal Representations:
Your internal representation will to a great extent determine your focus. You will soon learn that you get what you focus on. Your focus determines your thinking; your thinking determines your behaviour, which determines your results.
The Five senses (VAKOG) supply information from the outside world directly to the conditioned mind for processing/filtering. This information together with our Self-Talk (Ad) creates our Internal Representation.
Your unconscious mind is symbolic and it thinks and communicates using V, A, K, O, G and Ad. In order to use our minds effectively we need to use all of our Internal Representations, aligning them with what we want.
Think of all the signs that you see for caution or warning… “Don’t Slip” for example (with a picture of a man slipping). Remember that the unconscious mind doesn’t process negatives directly. The mind processes everything through VAKOG all the time. Rather state everything in the positive, FOCUS ON WHAT YOU WANT.
What feeling and images are in your mind when you think of yourself slipping on a wet floor? What kind of internal representation would that create? Our Internal Representation becomes our focus… we tend to produce the necessary behaviour to manifest that. This is the basis for effective change.
“Don’t think of a pink elephant”
Realise that you can’t think about what you don’t want to think about without thinking about it.
So all 5 senses and our self talk together, make up our Internal Representation. Now ask “What am I focusing on? Is my focus positive?” From now on this includes all 6 things we can do in our minds. Are all the systems supporting you towards successful achievement of your goal? This will make a huge difference in your life.
Our mind sorts information into 7 ± 2 chunks of information. Our Internal Representation constantly combined with our Physiology creates our State. State dictates our Behaviour and we create certain Results in our lives.
Focus Filters
What are you focusing on? Is it towards what you want or towards what you don’t want? Are you focusing on what you want or are you focusing on what you don’t want?
Core Focus Filters – (Internal Acid Test)
Our core focus filters are our human needs. This model has been adopted from Anthony Robbins, who says “You don’t always get what you want, but you always get what you need.”
These needs are not wants and desires, but profound needs which service the basis of every choice we make.
You will always find a way to fulfil your core needs, either in a positive, negative or neutral way.
There are 6 basic human needs:
Certainty
This is our need for safety, security, consistency and predictability.
Variety
The opposite of certainty is our need for uncertainty, variety, the unknown, risk, challenges.
Significance
This is our need for being important, being needed, feeling worthy, unique, status
Love / Connection
Our need for connection, intimacy, love, sharing, bonding
The first 4 human needs Certainty, Variety, Significance, Love / Connection are the needs of the body/personality. People will do ANYTHING to meet these needs, one way or another.
The needs of our spirit or soul are met through Growth and Contribution…
Growth
Our need for growth, expansion, learning, becoming more… when we stop growing, we die. We need to constantly develop emotionally, physically and spiritually.
Contribution
Our need to go beyond our own needs and contributing to others, making a difference in others lives, helping, educating, coaching.
We tend to focus on two; the dominant two influence our behaviour the most.
Exercise:
1) Write down all the ways you currently get: Certainty, Variety, Significance, Love/Connection, Growth and Contribution in your life in general.
2) Answer the following questions (take your time and think about it).
a) What is it that drives you? What are your top 2 Core Focus Filters? Which two do you value the most?
b) How does this impact the quality of your life? What are the consequences (positive and negative) of valuing these needs in this order?
Process Focus Filters – (Inner Parent)
These are process driven that shape our Focus and our reality.
Meta Programs
Values
Beliefs
Memories
Decisions
Attitudes
Language
Time/Space/Matter/Energy
Key Focus Filter – (Internal Driver)
This holds the Key of your Focus. It determines what is and what isn’t important, based on all the other filters. Your mind created a question that sums up all your filters together. It filters your conscious and unconscious thinking, all the time. It is basically the question that you keep asking yourself consciously or unconsciously, no matter what you are doing. You filter all information coming in through your 5 senses all 400 Billion bps as if your life depended on it. How important do you think this question is?
And now, for the even more amazing stuff. For those of you want to discover your own unconscious ‘instruction manual’…
Book of Rules Exercise:
What is important in your life?
List the top 5 things that you value in life. What is life about for you? What are you striving for, what would you like to feel or experience in life?
1. ___________________________________________________________________
2. ___________________________________________________________________
3. ___________________________________________________________________
4. ___________________________________________________________________
5. ___________________________________________________________________
(For each of the above that you listed answer the following question)
For you to feel/experience __________ , what needs to happen, what needs to be present in order for you to feel that way or to experience that?
1. ___________________________________________________________________
2. ___________________________________________________________________
3. ___________________________________________________________________
4. ___________________________________________________________________
5. ___________________________________________________________________
In the past, what have been the feelings you would do almost anything to avoid?
List here the top 5, your biggest ‘Away From’:
1. ___________________________________________________________________
2. ___________________________________________________________________
3. ___________________________________________________________________
4. ___________________________________________________________________
5. ___________________________________________________________________
(For each of the above that you listed answer the following question)
For you to feel/experience __________ , what needs to happen, what needs to be present in order for you to feel that way or to experience that?
1. ___________________________________________________________________
2. ___________________________________________________________________
3. ___________________________________________________________________
4. ___________________________________________________________________
5. ___________________________________________________________________
Most people make it really difficult to achieve their ‘Towards Values’ and really easy to achieve their ‘Away Values’. Why not make it really easy to achieve your towards by using OR, and make it really difficult to achieve Away but using AND.
I trust you have enjoyed asking some of the right questions for the answers you’ve always had! You can email me with any questions/queries and feedback. Send email to mo****@***********ow.com
In conclusion, I leave you with the words of my friend and mentor…
“May you find all that you seek outside, inside of you.” – RS
About the author
Morgan Tinline is an Evolved Master Coach currently living in South Africa. He is passionate about people and assisting them in accessing their massive potential. Add to that his past personal experience and triumph over severe depression as well as overcoming Bipolar Disorder without any medical assistance or traditional therapy, and you get a coach who loves every bit of his 100% success rate.
Specialising in self-sabotage, Morgan is currently building a platform through which even more people can choose to have instant and lasting change and live the life they desire.
Stay informed of what is happening as well as upcoming visits to various countries around the world in 2012 and beyond. Go to www.epiclivingnow.com, follow him on twitter @EpicLivingNow, and like his page on facebook – Epic Living