“It’s the silence between the notes that makes the music.”

(Zen proverb)

There’s the old question that soft skills trainers have often been heard to ask, “What is the opposite of talking?” I’ve been known to ask groups this myself as an introduction into a topic and there is always a proportion who answer that the opposite of talking is listening.

It’s a question that’s not used to catch people out but to identify that belief that just because you are not talking you are listening.

In the first of the Friday Guest Post’s last week Liz Scott discussed what she thinks is the most important coaching skill – listening. (Missed the post? Read it again here.)

The opposite of talking is actually not talking – or silence. And it is the use of silence in coaching that I want to explore today.

Silence, ideally combined with listening, can make a huge difference for your client as it allows them space and time to explore their own answers.

Yet for a coach, particularly if you are just starting out on developing your own skills and style, it can feel really un-natural to hold your nerve and not say anything.

With this in mind I thought I’d come up with four points that will help you to use silence in your coaching more easily.

1. Remember when you are coaching, “it’s not about you” as a coach – it’s about your client.

If you find that you are listening to thoughts saying stuff like:

• “They’ve gone silent, what are they thinking about me?”
• “They’re waiting for me to say something.”
• “If I was any good at this, I would have already said exactly the right thing.”

Use whatever method you find works best for you to either shut that voice up or just let the thought pass without getting involved with it.

2. Avoid any uncertainty on the client’s part if they are silent by reassuring them before you start working together. You can phrase it in whatever way feels and sounds natural to you and works with your style. Personally I usually explain that from time to time they may find I ask a question that causes them to think about something in a new way. If that involves any silence, then that’s perfectly OK.

I find that not only makes the client more comfortable and lets them focus fully on their thinking, it often makes the coach more comfortable as they have already set an expectation.

3. Be aware of the clues you are looking for during a face-to-face session that tells you someone is thinking or finished thinking. For example, eyes glazing over, staring into the distance or changing their body position after being still etc.

4. I know that sometimes one of the concerns coaches can have about coaching via the phone is that there are not the same visual clues to see that indicates that a client is deep in thought. There are clues that you can listen out for that will tell you that a client is processing what you have just said, or the question you just asked.

Depending upon the quality of the phone line you may hear a subtle alteration in their rate of breathing. You may also notice that they also have made some other verbal indication that they are thinking, maybe an “erm” or “oh, that’s a good question.”

However, the biggest clue that a client is thinking is silence. Particularly if you have incorporated the second point above and set up the expectation, once a client is done they will tell you, either by answering you directly or asking for additional guidance.

Coaches, do you use silence in your coaching, and if so how? I invite you to share your experiences and comments using the leave a reply section below and click submit.