Do you always believe your coaching client?
When I initially started writing this piece the opening line was at the risk of sounding like Gregory House from the TV show House – All clients lie. Upon reflection I thought that was probably a harsh sweeping generalisation so I will amend it to: I’ve never coached anyone, over a period of time, who at some stage has not lied to me.
There has always come a point when they will try, potentially at great length, to try and persuade me about something that I know is a complete lie – often relatively early in our coaching relationship.
Now, before you build up a derogrery picture of the lovely skilled brilliant individuals I work with, let me also add that if I’m totally honest I’ve done it with my own coaches but, like my clients, I was convinced what I was saying at the time was true.
They may have a very reasonably sounding, well thought out and constructed argument to support the lie. They may even have collected evidence over time that supports their position.
What they have often ignored is evidence that supports any other viewpoint or allowed for the situation altering. They are also often missing other solutions that may not be obvious if they believe this lie they are telling themselves.
For me, one of my roles as a coach is to empower my clients and to see more for them than they are themselves. One of the ways that as a coach I do this is by not believing and “buying in to” every single story they tell me.
If you are reading this it’s quite possible that you are already familiar with the term limiting belief, that is a belief that someone has that gets in their way and limits them. It’s these that clients often lie about, though sometimes it can also be something they don’t want to admit.
So what do you do when you suspect a client is lying?
Sometimes, this takes the form of asking more questions to check the accuracy of what they are telling you.
For example, imagine Bob* was to tell you that he was incapable of taking the next action needed to move closer towards his “goal”. One option is to believe that’s true and look for a different way around that. Another option is to explore further what he thinks is stopping him from taking that action.
On other occasions it can be saying out-right that you don’t believe them. Perhaps they are saying one thing but something that you are seeing or hearing makes you suspect that it’s not the truth.
For example, Bob may be telling you that what he really wants is one thing, but you can hear that there is something missing.
On other occasions it’s about refusing to believe that they are not good enough, amazing enough etc to do great things. My way of handling that is when clients try and convince me that they are not good enough is to point out to them that they can try all they want but they are not going to convince me of that. You see, not always believing a client is different to not believing in your client.
These are all ways that can facilitate your client to find alternative solutions and ways forward.
All this may sound really simple when it’s something that’s obviously not true. What it’s often harder to spot is if your client’s lie happens to be something that you also believe – If you find yourself agreeing with a client when they are telling you what’s in their way then it’s quite possible that this is what is happening.
If you haven’t already I invite you to consider how you will handle that situation, if you wish you can always share that below.
* For the purpose of this post Bob is an imaginary client based on no individual person