explaining coaching

Do coaches need to be confident? 6

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I’m often interested to see the searches that people do that lead to this blog for coaches. Some are quite frankly mystifying but one recently attracted my attention as it was the simple question, “do coaches need to be confident?”

So my coaching related post today is going to give my own personal answer, with reasons. I invite you to consider your own answer, as well as how that fits into how you are currently coaching.

Now considering one of the programs I offer to support coaches is “From feeling a fake to confident coach” my actual answer may surprise some. No, I personally do not think that coaches need to be confident. I think that it is perfectly possible to run a coaching session without feeling confident.

Confidence is one of those things that we cannot nip down to the local supermarket and pick up a tin of – it means something slightly different to each person. Just so that I am perfectly clear, I’m talking about feeling confident. I’m not talking about someone’s competence with my previous statement.

For some it may be true that a reason for them feeling a lack of confidence is genuinely because their skill levels have not been developed – it’s not always the case, hence my statement that you do not need to be confident to run a coaching session.

I do think that there are many benefits to being a confident coach. Here are just 7 of my initial thoughts:

It’s often makes coaching easier

How does your lack of confidence effect your coaching? If you are not confident then it’s easy for your client to start questioning the coaching and shift their focus off what they want etc.

It feels better and is more enjoyable!

Whilst your client may or may not have a suspicion about how you are feeling there are two of you involved in this coaching conversation. There is nothing to say that, as a coach, you can’t enjoy your work – in fact I personally encourage you to enjoy your work. 🙂

It’s easier to focus on your client if you’re not afraid someone is about to discover that you’re a fake etc

Coaching is much easier when you are listening and focusing upon your client and not any negative thoughts in your own head. I wrote last week about 3 ways to keep your focus on your client and not on your inner critic or negative thoughts etc.

If you trust your skills and coaching instincts you will ask the questions/give the feedback that you think will make the difference.

Often if a coach is not confident they can question yourself about what they will think about you, if that’s the right question etc and hold back from asking a question or giving certain feedback.

You will allow yourself to take the coaching in a different direction if the first one isn’t going anywhere

Coaching conversations are like any other conversations, they can take a turn in a different direction at any time depending upon the response the other person gives. Sometimes I see coaches/trainee coaches think negatively of themselves because they either haven’t got a plan about how a session is going to go or any plan they had alters as the session progresses.

You don’t hold yourself back from taking action just because you don’t feel confident

To run a coaching session you need a client. I’ve often seen coaches who share that they don’t feel confident reluctant to take action to actually get a client – either paid or unpaid. What action would you take if you were more confident about your coaching?

If you are “selling” the idea of working with you, a potential client is more likely to say yes if you appear confident in your own service and skills.

I’ve already mentioned that to run a coaching session you need a client. There are many strategies that you can use for marketing and sales and this isn’t a post about the numerous approaches that could work for you.

Even if you are not asking for an exchange of money you are asking a potential client to invest their time and effort. If you don’t appear confident and appear to be questioning if it will work etc how likely are they to say yes?

At the start of this post I said that coaches do not need to be confident to run a coaching session. What do you think? Feel free to share your comments below.

3 ways to keep your focus on your client and not your own inner critic/ thoughts

 in Coaching  tagged business coach / business coaching / career coaching / coach / coaches / coaching / coaching content / coaching courses / coaching model / coaching preparation / coaching qualifications / coaching skills / coaching techniques / executive coach / explaining coaching / focus / Free resource / inner critic / language / leadership coaching / life coach / life coaches / life coaching / listening / negative thinking / negative thought / performance coaching / personal development / thinking / thoughts

So how do you avoid being distracted by your own thoughts when you are coaching?  This is a conversation and question I often get asked.

My answer normally is that there are many different techniques and approaches that you can use. And finding the ones that work for you is, in my opinion, beneficial.

Shut up/ don’t listen

One of the coaching skills that is highly valued is listening but in a coaching session it’s probably useful to listen to your client not any negative thoughts inside your head 🙂

There are many different techniques that you can use to quiet/not connect with any thoughts that you are finding distracting.

On day 4 of my confidence e-course I share five different ones. Here is just one technique that you may like. It just turns down the volume of that voice that was yakking away.

Imagine that you have a control panel, now this is your control panel so you can have as many buttons, dials, slider switches etc as you want. You will notice that one of these actually controls the volume of that voice and in a moment you can just reach out and gradually turn down the volume of that voice. Do that now and notice that voice get quieter and quieter and quieter.

Personally, because I believe that the coaching session is a time for the client not me I found saying to myself a simple “shh, later – their time not yours” works for me. Whilst that may appear to invite a deluge of negative thoughts after the session – in reality those thoughts are not relevant afterwards.

I’ve also found that the more I used this, the less I’d actually needed to use it. It’s become habit to fully focus on my client and not any negative thoughts.

Preparation

Make life easier for yourself by not having your thoughts go at thousands of miles per hour. Do whatever you know to do to slow those thoughts down prior to your coaching session.

I know some coaches who do a short meditation, others who listen to a particular piece of music, whilst others use other techniques to get into a more useful state.

Personally, I don’t think there is a “right or wrong” way, just ones that will work for you as a coach!

Don’t get caught in a loop

If you notice during a coaching session that you have momentarily been distracted by a thought what do you then do? Curse that you have “done it again”, followed by various other thoughts and stories about how this is just more proof about how bad you are as a coach etc?

Getting caught in a loop of negative thinking or telling yourself a much longer negative story about what that must mean is a very common reaction. Yet, it doesn’t have to be the only way.

What you can also do is to congratulate yourself for noticing and bring your attention back out of your head and to the client in front of you.

You’ll find that you attention returns to your client a lot faster when you don’t start interacting with other negative thoughts that may pass through your head.

As a coach, over time, you will develop your own style. One that you are comfortable with and that works for your clients. As far as I’m concerned, there is no reason why you shouldn’t also find the way that works for you to focus upon your clients and not negative thoughts whilst coaching.

If you have a particular favourite technique etc you use feel free to comment below.

 

Coaching and did it work?

 in Coaching  tagged business coach / business coaching / career coaching / closed questions / coach / coaches / coaching / coaching content / coaching courses / coaching model / coaching preparation / coaching qualifications / coaching skills / coaching techniques / executive coach / explaining coaching / Free resource / language / leadership coaching / life coach / life coaches / life coaching / open questions / performance coaching / personal development / question

At some stage in a coaching conversation it’s not at all unusual for me to ask a variation of the question – did/does it work?

I’ve written before about different types of questions (you can read that post again here) and you may recognise that “did/does it work?” can be labelled as a closed question.

In case you have not come across the terminology of a closed question – they are questions were the answer is only yes or no.

You will often come across the label of open questions at the same time – These are questions that start with Who, What, When, Where, Why and How. Open questions are designed to allow answers that are more open with the scope of the information provided.

Often as coaches, we can develop our own “rules” or what should or shouldn’t be done to get coaching “right”. Sometimes these are rules, or beliefs, we have been told by someone we perceive as being more knowledgeable about coaching.

On other occasions it can be something that we have inferred and then told ourselves is what we should do to be a good coach.

From time to time I come across, usually trainee coaches, who have taken on a belief that when coaching closed questions are always bad and open questions are always good.

If this is a belief that you have then I ask you does it work for you at the moment? If so then, as always, I encourage you to keep what works for you!

Personally, I don’t think that it is always so black and white. Sometimes a clear and decisive yes or no is actually really productive.

One of the benefits of a closed question is that it can cut through a whole story that someone is telling themselves about a situation.

“Did/Does it work?” is one of those questions I find can do just that when chosen and asked deliberately.

Particularly if a client is telling you about a course of action where you suspect that he/she is comparing themselves to someone else/the perfect way of doing something.

In this instance, it’s not at all uncommon for your client to have missed and not acknowledged the results they did achieve.

Let me give you an example. Imagine that you are talking to Bob who is “beating himself up” about the fact he could have approached a sales conversation, with a potential client, “better”. He feels that he lacks confidence in his own abilities.

In response to a question about how the last sales conversation went, he could give a detailed account of what he had done wrong, but doesn’t mention the outcome.

When asked, “Did it work?” Bob’s “yes”, both verbally and non-verbally, was surprised – as if this was completely new information.

There may indeed be space for Bob to strengthen his skills and develop other approaches. However, if he never acknowledges his achievements and abilities the harder it will be for Bob to have confidence in his own abilities!

I find that using the question

“Did it work?”

at this stage focuses their attention upon the reality of what they have already achieved. Particularly if they are in the middle of listing everything they perceive they did wrong.

How often do you use a variation of “did it work?” both as a coach and in your own life?

 

It’s Coaching But …

 in Coaching  tagged and / business coach / business coaching / but / career coaching / coach / coaches / coaching / coaching content / coaching courses / coaching model / coaching preparation / coaching qualifications / coaching skills / coaching techniques / executive coach / explaining coaching / Free resource / leadership coaching / life coach / life coaches / life coaching / performance coaching / personal development

Have you ever had a situation where you know by your clients stance or tone of voice that there is an unspoken “but”? Something that they may not have verbalised out loud “but” is obviously a thought they were focusing upon at that moment.

So what do you do as a coach?

If you are a regular reader, you probably won’t be the slightest bit surprised when I emphasise that this is about a choice you can make to suite the individual client you are working with and your own style.

In this post I’ll discuss 3 different potential approaches and invite you to consider the circumstances and your perspective about each one. I also invite you to consider other approaches you could use when you can see/hear an unspoken “but”.

Approach 1 – Is that “but” important/getting in the way?

Just because you have heard or seen that unspoken “but” does not automatically mean that you have to ask what that “but” is all about. For me, sometimes effective coaching is actually about knowing when to stop, get out of the clients way and let the client take action.

I will admit that generally if I’ve heard or seen an unspoken “but” that I will explore this in more depth. However, occasionally I can see/hear that “but” when it is obviously in response to something that isn’t going to get in the way of the clients next step.

For example, imagine that a client is happy and willing to commit fully to taking a first step on something that they have been procrastinating about starting. In preparation for building momentum for taking further steps I may say something that presupposes future steps will then be easier etc.

I know that people can change in an instant. Just because someone has one perspective before taking an action does not mean that they will still have that same perspective afterwards.

The very task of successfully completing that first action, particularly if it was easier than they initially imagined, may naturally lead to them believing that further steps will be easier.

Challenging the unspoken “but” may not be necessary and may actually have taken longer to get the same result.

Approach 2 – Change “but” to “and”

Get the client to tell you what that “but” is so that it turns from being unspoken to spoken. This then gives you the opportunity to work that “but”!

The earliest I’ve seen this technique mentioned is in Dale Carnegie’s book “How to win friends and influence people.” (First published in 1936). What is your natural response when you hear the word “but”?

Most people immediately ignore what was at the start of the sentence and just focus upon the bits that follow that “but”. So if the bit that follows that “but” is what the client perceives as the problem they focus generally just on the problem.

So, for example: Imagine that a client says

“I did a presentation that my clients loved “BUT” I know it could have been better.”

Their focus is most likely to be on “I know it could have been better” rather than acknowledging that their clients loved the presentation.

There are many different directions you could take a coaching session if a client was to say that to you. One gentle way of starting to shift someone’s perception is to repeat back to them what they said replacing the word “BUT” with the word “AND”.

So this example would become

“You did a presentation that your clients loved “and” you knew it could have been even better.”

Can you see the difference between the 2 sentences?

Approach 3 – Turn the “but” on its head.

Again this approach uses the language that your clients used and shifts their focus. It presumes that you have established what was that previously unspoken “but”.

Approach 2 has already talked about how most people focus on the bit after the word “BUT”, so this approach uses it as an advantage.

As you’ll see with the example that follows, this is an approach that is actually much easier in practice then it appears first appears with an explanation! With this approach we swap everything that the client said in the sentence before they used the word “BUT” for everything after.

For example, if we still use

“I did a presentation that my clients loved “BUT” I know it could have been better”

Using this approach we could say:

“You know it could have been better “BUT” you did a presentation that your clients loved.”

The “but” may reveal a limiting belief that you may want to challenge. As I began this post in saying, there are many other directions that you can choose to take the coaching session.

How do you generally respond to those unspoken “but’s”?

Have you used any of the above approaches yourself?

As always, I invite you to submit a comment below.

Explaining how coaching works 1

 in Coaching  tagged business coach / business coaching / career coaching / coach / coaches / coaching / coaching content / coaching courses / coaching model / coaching preparation / coaching qualifications / coaching skills / coaching techniques / confidence / executive coach / explaining coaching / Free resource / leadership coaching / learning / life coach / life coaches / life coaching / performance coaching / personal development

I’ve mentioned before that one of the things that anyone who signs up for my free what to put in a coaching welcome pack e-course is also invited to share what they would like to read more about on this blog.

One of the requests I’ve had recently was worded simply as “Explaining how coaching works.” As I read that request I’m aware that it’s something that there are a couple of ways that this may have been meant.

Some coaches and change workers may have read that request and automatically thought of a variation of the following question – “explain coaching to whom?”

It may be a request for more posts that literally take you, as the reader, step by step through how to do various coaching processes, models and developing skills used in coaching.

It may also be a request about how to explain coaching to a third party, probably someone who you would like to become a potential client.

Firstly, if you are the individual that made this request I want to thank you (and everyone else who has made suggestions and comments) for taking the time to share. I really do appreciate you doing that.

The main reason I draw attention to the 2 different meanings is so that I can address both potential meanings and make sure I’m honouring that request! 🙂

It also is an opportunity to demonstrate one of the things I consider as a coach when choosing which question to ask next, the story to share or even if to use a technique etc.

The language that someone uses can give an indication about how they are currently seeing a situation. It can be an indication of what is keeping them stuck, why they are not seeing potential solutions or taking action etc.

Using “Explaining how coaching works” I could have just written a post examining a specific technique, skill or coaching model. That may be sufficient to satisfy the original questioners request. However, as you will read in a moment, my answer about how to explain coaching to someone who is a potential client is different.

One of the methods of learning I enjoy is to read, listen, observe and generally experience other coaches work. Sometimes they will explicitly say why they have asked a specific question, phrased something in a particular manner or designed a particular exercise with a specific outcome in mind.

On other occasions there is no explicit explanation. In which case notice what you are noticing about their work:

  • Perhaps you can piece together why they may have asked a specific question or gave a particular response.
  • Maybe there is an indication about what beliefs etc that coach has about coaching in general and their work.

Some of the posts on this blog with specifically talk about a particular skill, technique or coaching model. Others will not be so explicit. I invite you to read a post and initially take any personal learning and insights from the content.

I also then invite you to re-read the post and see what you can learn from each one about how that posts author uses and approaches coaching.

Why do I suggest using both approaches? Some posts will have specifically been written for you to experience the content first hand. Don’t miss out on those potential insights and learning’s by not connecting and disassociating from the post.

If you are looking to explain how coaching works to a potential client I’m going to suggest that they are likely to be interested in the answers to slightly different questions. Firstly, they are likely to be primarily wondering about what can/will your coaching do for them?

If they are interested, the second question they are likely to be curious about is what actually happens. If they book a coaching session with you, what will happen, what will they actually do?

Notice that both those questions potentially produce different answers to how coaching works.

“How” coaching works is not going to be a burning question to a lot of potential clients. That’s not to say that there will never be someone that doesn’t want to know how something works, which models you use and any research that applies to the way that you work.

For example, I’m aware that working with coaches that sometimes out of professional curiosity they can be examining what I am doing and answering how my coaching works. Which I’m quite happy with as long as it’s not getting in the way of whatever we are working on directly.

I believe that each coach develops his or her own style and approach over time. A client working with each one of us will potentially have vastly different experiences because we are all individuals.

I am very aware that I have many readers from a range of different coaching backgrounds and niches. I’m sure that if I was to ask a sports coach how their coaching works they would provide a different answer to a spiritual coach. If nothing else their language would be different because they are talking about different contexts and normally different audiences.

So lastly, I would encourage you to develop a sense for yourself about how you work as a coach rather than how coaching works. After all, a client will ultimately be choosing to work with you.

Feel free to add your comments below. Including any extra ways that “Explaining how coaching works” can be interpreted and any insights, observations and thoughts you’ve had whilst reading this post.