Monthly Archives: July 2018

Uncoachable clients

26 July 2018 in Coaching tagged clients / coaching / uncoachable

Uncoachable clients

by Jen Waller

The image for the uncoachable clients post is a no-entry sign, a red circle with a line running top left to bottom right.

A surprising number of searches arrive at this blog looking for an answer to a variation of the question “who is uncoachable?”

It’s not the only things searched for that lead people to the blog but it’s this one that caught my eye and inspired me to share some thoughts around the subject. First, I want to look at how we can use such a question as a prompt for ourselves as coaches, and use it for our own coaching practices. Later, I will also share some thoughts from the perspective of those doing the searching.

For coaches

All the variations of the questions searched for imply that it is the individual and not any behaviour they are using that is not conducive to being “coachable”. Which also potentially implies that it’s a condition that can not alter, a person is destined to be “uncoachable” for eternity once labelled as such.

I’ll leave you, as a coach, to decide how those implications fit with your beliefs around coaching. I also invite you to consider how you would answer the question being asked “who is uncoachable?”

Consider this from a perspective of coaching in general as well as who you personally would consider uncoachable by you. Notice if there is any difference in your responses. It may be that your answers are exactly the same but it’s worth checking what answers come up for you.

Any coaching training you have already experienced may influence part, or all, of your answer(s). Perhaps you have been told that there are certain situations or types of behaviour you should not be coaching in.

Your answer may also have been influenced by an experience of working with a specific client in the past and it’s not an experience you wish to repeat!

Maybe you reason that you have learnt to look for specific signs.

Your answer may also be influenced by other beliefs and expectations about what behaviours a client should demonstrate. Equally, you may have expectations about behaviours a client shouldn’t demonstrate.

I’m not so interested in this post in saying which answers are right or wrong, I’m more interested in shining a light on how this works for you and your coaching.

If you have ever looked for a definition of coaching you will have found that different people and organisations use different wording (sometimes you’ll even find more than one definition from the same group.) So it’s not surprising that, whilst there are some overlaps, that different coaches have their own opinions about who is uncoachable.

As we’ve considered who is uncoachable, what about who is coachable? Are there any behaviours, characteristics etc that you specifically think make a great coaching client? Again, does your answer change if you consider coaching clients for all coaches and then your own specific ideal coaching clients?

So, what are your answers?
Once you’ve considered them, are they all actually true?
Having got these answers what are you doing with the information?
Is it information that is useful for you?
How can you use this information to build a coaching practice filled with clients you’d love to work with?

Obviously, it will depend upon the answers you came up with. Some coaches may find that they may want to tweak their marketing to make it less appealing to those they feel are uncoachable. It may also mean they can do more to encourage those that they feel are more coachable.

Alternatively, perhaps you realised that you have been unconsciously operating on assumptions and beliefs that you no longer think are true. Possibly it’s highlighted something you can include in your intake process to ensure that you are working with clients that are a great fit for you.
Maybe it’s sparked inspiration for a new program for those who you think are ideally coachable….

For those who have searched “who is uncoachable”

So what about those reading this because they have actually searched for a variation of “who is uncoachable”? Obviously, I’m going to have to guess at the possible reason for such a search and I came up with two potential reasons. (Feel free to comment below if you’ve searched and it’s for a different reason then the ones I’ve come up with.

1) You’re a coach in training and there is a training school somewhere that has asked their students to answer the question “who is uncoachable?”
2) You are interested in getting some coaching but for some reason suspect that either you personally or your situation is uncoachable.

If you’ve searched because you’re a coach in training:
Hopefully, for those in coach training I hope that the first half of this post has prompted some ideas. I would also encourage you to use your answers not just to be able to complete an assignment but to put it to use as you move forward with your coaching. I can only guess what your trainers and assessors are looking for in an ideal answer. I hope that they have given you pointers with your course so far.

Review what you have done so far in your training and the experiences you’ve had coaching. Are there situations and scenarios you feel don’t fit with your definition of coaching? Are there behaviours and characteristics you would want to look out for? What else would you want to know before deciding if a client was someone you wanted to coach?

How can you use knowing who is uncoachable to build your coaching practice? I know that the most common explanation I was given in some coaching trainings was that it is there to ensure that you don’t accept clients who would be better suited seeking other forms of support and help. (Which depending upon your country of residence may potentially have insurance/legal implications)

For those who are interested in becoming a coaching client and suspect you may be uncoachable:

Firstly, my own personal belief is that it’s not you personally who is uncoachable. You may be in a specific circumstance or situation where another approach other than coaching would be more appropriate to get the solution you’re looking for. This does not mean that you are any less “worthy” or that it’s a permanent diagnosis you’re stuck with forever.

Not knowing your precise situation I can’t rule out the possibility that in the past someone has said that you are uncoachable in response to a specific behaviour or attitude. If that’s the scenario you find yourself in, having not personally witnessed the initial situation, I can’t comment upon how appropriate the comment was at that time. I can say that behaviour and attitude can change, it’s not set in stone, and with a different coaching approach it may not be relevant.

To find out if coaching is right for you right now, the easiest way is to have a conversation with the coach who you’re interested in working with. Be honest with them and tell them your concerns. It may be that they feel that now isn’t the right time for you to work with them or that in their professional opinion another form of approach would currently be a better fit. Most coaches I know will point you in the direction of something or someone else if they already can see a better choice.

About Jen Waller

A headshot of Jen Waller smiling at the camera Jen Waller is on a mission to support, nurture and encourage coaching skills and talents from non-coach to coach and beyond.

As an experienced coach and trainer Jen is happy to utilise all skills at her disposal to assist clients from getting out of their own way and making a difference in the world with their coaching. One of the aspects of her role Jen loves the most is seeing individuals find their voice, grow their confidence and take the next steps. This allows them to make a massive positive impact and difference with their coaching. (For more info about Jen’s coaching click here, including the From non-coach to coach discovery session) Jen has owned and run Coaching Confidence, the coaching blog since 2010.

In her spare time Jen is a volunteer for the UK based charity The Cinnamon Trust. This charity supports elderly and terminally ill pet owners to provide care for their pets. As a volunteer, Jen regularly walks dogs for owners who physically often find that more challenging then they once did. As a pet owner herself, Jen finds it really rewarding to be able to assist an owner stay with an animal that has become part of the family. (Plus it’s a great additional motivator when working from home to get out and get some fresh air and exercise)

Jen also loves theatre and has been known to watch certain popular science fiction films and TV shows!

TED Talk 24th July 2018

24 July 2018 in TED talk tagged mindfulness / Shauna Shapiro / TED talk

This week the clip chosen because of its potential interest to coaches is from an independent TEDx event. Clinical psychologist and internationally recognised expert Dr Shauna Shapiro shares on the subject of mindfulness.

The power of Mindfulness: What you practice grows stronger |Dr. Shauna Shapiro | TEDxWashingtonSquare

Clip length: 13 mins 45 secs

Prefer to watch via YouTube? In that case you’ll need to click here.

Asking difficult coaching questions

19 July 2018 in Coaching tagged asking questions / coaching / coaching questions / questions / technique

Asking Difficult Coaching Questions

by Jen Waller

The image that accompanies the asking difficult coaching questions post is a 3D white modeling clay type human figure laid on the floor at an angle - their head top rightt, feet bottom left. They are holding a big red question mark along their body starting around the mid thigh point, up along their body and obscuring much of their head.

Today’s post is in response to a question I was asked. As a coach have you ever wanted to ask a client a difficult question? Did you actually ask the question or did you back away and ask something else instead?

I’m not trying to say that in every situation that the difficult question must be asked, I think a coaching conversation is far more nuanced than such a generalised rule would imply. This post is about looking at providing the option if you find you’re wondering about asking a difficult question.

So let’s define what I mean by a difficult or hard question. In reality exactly the same question may seem a difficult question for one coach to ask and another wouldn’t even give it a second thought.

Personally I’ve found that one of two things is going on if I, or another coach is thinking that a potential question is hard or difficult to ask.

1) There’s some concern there about what the client will think of the coach if that question is asked.

2) There’s something about the question that you want to ask that you think will potentially provoke an “ouch” reaction from your client.

The following are my thoughts and approach about each of those scenarios plus some suggestions about what you can do if you find yourself in either. I invite you to consider your thoughts around your approach.

What will the client think of me if I ask that question?

I think many coaches experience this particularly when they are first learning coaching skills and again when they start charging for their services. It’s not at all compulsory but equally it’s not uncommon.

If your only concern is about what your client will think if you ask that hard question, are you really serving your client by not asking it? After all, that coaching conversation is not about you.

All of which you may agree with in theory but what do you do if you still find your attention wandering in the middle of a session?

Before I share some more on the topic, what would you say to a client who had just said exactly the same in an actual coaching session? Sometimes as coaches we have a “toolbox” or understanding that we forget to make use of because we’re so caught up in the moment and our own thinking.

If nothing comes to mind about what you suggest, here are some ways I and other coaches try. You could notice what you are doing, “beat yourself up” and criticise yourself as a bad coach. Or you could just congratulate yourself for noticing and simply bring your focus back to the coaching conversation and your client. 😉

Often just noticing and bringing your focus back is normally sufficient. If that isn’t working you may like to use one of the many techniques to quiet that “inner critic”. You could mentally tell it “not now, I’m working”, tell it to go away in no uncertain terms or imagine it’s something that is being whispered from a very long way away.

I’ve also seen the external reminders work placed somewhere saying coaching is about your client not you. Maybe it’s a post it note that just says, “It’s not about [your own name]”, or perhaps it’s something else that will act as a prompt when you are actually coaching.

What else occurs to you?

There’s something about the question that you want to ask that you think will potentially provoke an “ouch” reaction from your client.

You may have formed this opinion based on what you already know about your client. It may be you are applying your own beliefs and values and decided that anyone would respond with an “ouch”.

This does not mean that the question you have in mind is not a good one. It could be just the one that is going to make all the difference to your client. You may want to consider how you present the question.

Your style may naturally be blunt, so it’s quite possible that your client already expects you to ask the hard questions without a moment’s hesitation. If that’s the case you’ve probably not got this far reading this post because it’s not something you consider. However, you setting up the expectations that this may happen before you’ve even started coaching together can be a great help.

If this does not suit your style, and I’m not saying it’s right or wrong – just one approach, here are some other suggestions:

• Be honest. Tell them there are several questions you could ask at this stage and how direct would they like you to be? This allows your client to indicate to you how they’d like you to proceed.

Some will give you full permission to just “go for it”, others will make it clear that blunt is not what they want to hear right now.

• Tell your client that you have a question that you are aware may appear to be harsh, it’s certainly not what you intend it to be but you’re wondering if you should ask it.

Notice their response. They are likely to be curious and it’s quite possible that they will give you permission to ask that question. I would suggest that you take your cue from your client and whilst a “no” may not result in you asking your initial question it could open up another line of questions exploring fears etc. (Again, said in the context of a possible avenue to explore, not to be taken as a rule to be used in every scenario)

• Get their permission to ask. This may take the form of one of the above or may just be as simple as “Can I ask you a question?”

Once someone has given you permission to ask a question they are far more likely to answer.

• Asking a question out right can, to some clients in some situations, appear confrontational. This does not necessarily result in a state that you want your client to be in – aggressive or defensive is often not conducive to your client providing an honest answer.

One way you can do this is to put the “question” out there as a thought or something that you were wondering. “I was just wondering …” (delivered in a non-aggressive manner) is a much more gentle way of asking the question.

You may also introduce it as “I’m curious …”

The extent that this point is relevant to you will depend upon your natural style and potentially even the clients you are working with at the time.

• There may also be a way that you can find the same information, or guide the client to the same conclusion/realisation by using much more gentle language. It may take more questions but if that’s what it takes at that time with that particular client, that’s what it takes!

• Use the hypothetical to introduce possibility. “What if …” is one question that will softly get a client to consider a question that they may automatically reject without those two words, “what if”, at the start.

Finally, a question is just a question. Sure there may be ways and methods that you use to make it easier for a client to hear (or for you to ask), but it’s still just a question.

What other ways do you use to ask “hard” questions?
Have you got anything you want to say on the topic?
I invite you to leave your views below and click submit comment.

TED Talk Tuesday 17th July 2018

17 July 2018 in TED talk tagged Lee Sears / success / TED talk

This week the clip chosen because of its potential interest to coaches is from an independent TEDxYouth event. Leadership coach and co-founder of coach in a box, Lee Sears focuses upon the subject of success.

Why being brilliant might stop us from being successful |Lee Sears | TEDxYouth@Manchester

Clip length: 12 mins 42 secs

Prefer to watch via YouTube? In that case you’ll need to click here.

You are allowed to evolve as a coach

12 July 2018 in Coaching tagged belief / coaches / coaching / coaching business / Develop / evolve / obstacle

The image for the post you are allowed to evolve as a coach is a white painted background with a woodern grain showing through. Ontop is 6 woodern blocks pushed together, each has a letter on that spells out the word Evolve.

You are allowed to evolve as a coach

by Jen Waller

One of the things I often see coaches having as a stumbling block is a belief around not being allowed to change direction or to evolve.

This can present in several different ways below are just some of the real life examples I’ve seen that’s stopped people from either growing their coaching practice or even start coaching.

For those just starting out it may show up as not inviting a potential client to experience your coaching because you’ve not got the wording on your website perfect. I’ve lost track of the number of times I’ve pointed out in this situation that it’s not written in stone, websites can be edited and changed as you adapt your offers and how you work.

Maybe it’s not knowing the niche that you want to work with that’s stopping you from working with anyone at all. There’s much that can be said about finding a coaching niche, for the purposes of this post, all I’ll say is it’s not being signed in blood – you’re allowed to change direction and niche later on if that’s what you want to do then.

Perhaps you’ve already got a coaching practice and you’re struggling, due to how your circumstances have changed, to schedule everything in the same sessions as you once did. You are allowed to change how you schedule your working day – need to give yourself breaks between sessions then structure that into your day. Just because you’ve always worked your appointments back to back does not mean you always have to do that.

May be you’re looking to take your coaching practice to the next level and there just isn’t enough hours in the day for you to do everything. Again you are allowed to involve others in the running of your business, do you now need to hire a personal assistant or another professional to free up more time for your coaching.

Perhaps you have an idea for a new coaching video, however the thing that’s stopping you from doing it is thinking that you may look back at it in the future and think that could be better. Presuming that you continue to develop your skills then that is very likely to happen – what if you accepted that part of evolving as a coach is finding new ways to phrase something or developing new skills along the way.

What if, you allowed yourself the flexibility to adapt and adjust what and how you offer your service as appropriate over time?

It may be that you stick with exactly the same way of working for your entire coaching career, however, I struggle to think of any long serving coach who has not altered their approach over the years they have been coaching. Some have changed niches totally, others have altered their working patterns, others changed the medium they coach via (phone, face to face etc), others developed new packages, approaches and group work. The list can go on and on, mainly because they allowed themselves and their coaching practice to evolve.

About Jen Waller

Jen Waller is on a mission to support, nurture and encourage coaching skills and talents from non-coach to coach and beyond.

Jen also loves theatre and has been known to watch certain popular science fiction films and TV shows!

The most popular quotes on Twitter in June 2018

5 July 2018 in popular twitter quotes tagged coaching questions / quotes

Most RT'd quotes last week on @thecoachingblog

The blog’s twitter account regularly shares quotes that are there to spark inspiration, provoke action and generally interest coaches. I haven’t done this for some time but here are the most popular quotes that the blogs twitter account tweeted during the month of June.

Tweet with the most interactions overall

“When you forgive, you in no way change the past – but you sure do change the future.”
(Bernard Meltzer)

Tweet with the most RT’s

“One of the most sincere forms of respect is actually listening to what another has to say.”
(Bryant H. McGill)

Tweet with the most favourite stars

“Very often a change of self is needed more than a change of scene.”
(Arthur Christopher Benson)

I know many coaches like quotes and we also generally love questions so in no particular order I thought I’d share some questions prompted by these quotes. You’re welcome to share your answers below if you so desire but I’d love for you to actually take any relevant action that occurs to you from answering.

What does “self” mean to you?

Yes, I know this sounds more like a philosophy question than some would consider a traditional coaching question. However, when it comes to being inspired by the Arthur Christopher Benson quote, which includes the phrase “change of self”, it seems an important aspect to define what we are changing.

When was the last time you listened to your self?

If you were to share some forgiveness with yourself, what would that be like?

What could you do today to improve your listening?

If you were to focus upon one of the concepts from these quotes today, which would you pick? What occurs to you that would be different?

Feel free to comment below with any questions or thoughts these quotes and the post generates for you. Alternatively, if you prefer you can email me at he***@*******************co.uk

thank you

I know that there are various aspects that can influence if a quote attracts your attention – if you saw the tweet, personal style, if it speaks to something happening in your life at that moment, if you feel it’s something that will resonate with your own followers. Many thanks if you’ve taken the time to RT, clicked favourite, and generally interacted with the quotes on the twitter feed.

(For those of you as geeky as I am and wondering what tool I’m using to measure individual RT’s this week I’ve been playing with www.twitonomy.com and Twitters own analytics system)

P.S. Wondering how to use quotes in your coaching? Back in 2012 I wrote a couple of posts around using quotes in coaching, Do you use quotes in your coaching? and a follow up one answering a readers question Using quotes in coaching – remembering them in the first place.

About Jen Waller

Jen Waller is on a mission to support, nurture and encourage coaching skills and talents from non-coach to coach and beyond.

In her spare time Jen is a volunteer for the UK based charity The Cinnamon Trust who support elderly and terminally ill pet owners provide care for their pets. As a volunteer, Jen regularly walks dogs for owners who physically often find that more challenging then they once did. As a pet owner herself, Jen finds it really rewarding to be able to assist an owner stay with an animal that has become part of the family. (Plus it’s a great aditional motivator when working from home to get out and get some fresh air and exercise)

Jen also loves theatre and has been known to watch certain popular science fiction films and TV shows!

TED Talk Tuesday 3rd July 2018

3 July 2018 in TED talk tagged confidence / Emma Lawton / TED talk

This week the clip chosen because of its potential interest to coaches is from an independent TEDx event. CharityComm’s Inspiring Communicator of the Year Award 2015 Emma Lawton reflects upon her story and journey with confidence.

Is confidence in my DNA? | Emma Lawton | TEDxLondon

Clip length: 9 mins 26 secs

Prefer to watch via YouTube? In that case you’ll need to click here.