How do you deal with “I don’t know” as an answer to a coaching question?

by Jen Waller

Have you ever asked a question during a coaching session and been met with the reply “I don’t know”? I suspect most coaches have lost count of the number of times this has happened. “I don’t know” is a perfectly valid answer to so many questions. I’ve also seen some who are new to coaching find the thought of getting that answer really unsettling. So today’s post is all about getting “I don’t know” as an answer.

So let’s explore some of what could be going on when you get that answer to a question.

1) Your client doesn’t actually know the answer.

For example, you find yourself coaching Joy, who works in a large corporation. Her aim for the coaching session is to find a solution to a problem with a project at work that’s currently stuck on a technical issue. You ask the question “Who in the business would have the technical knowledge to help with this?”
It’s quite possible that Joy does not know who would have this technical knowledge. In which case you may then choose to question how to get that information.

2) Your client doesn’t understand the question.

This may be because the question used a term that may be familiar in certain job roles, companies or even on a bigger scale countries but isn’t a term that your client uses.

This can also happen if you are talking about something that may have a slightly different meaning to each individual – concepts and feelings often fall into these situation. For example, it may be what one person describes as confidence another thinks of as verging on arrogance. Or perhaps if you specialise in working with students you’ll discover that different students have different ideas about what “revision” means to them.

3) It’s a question that your client hasn’t considered before and needs time to find the answer

There is nothing wrong with allowing a client the time and space to find the answer. Silence really can be OK as a client considers something new. How long that silence lasts really will depend upon what new insights, calculations and general figuring out the client is doing for themselves. I suggest all you have to do as a coach is keep out of the way and wait until your client has finished “processing” that new thought/idea.

4) The client has “given up” trying to find the answer to that and is so used to not having an answer that it’s an automatic response without considering it again.

How you respond to this will depend a lot upon many things including your own natural coaching style, your coaching approach, the established relationship with your client.
Many coaches will respond to this in one of 4 ways:
i) challenging directly
ii) Finding a way to approach the situation from a different perspective
iii) Deciding that it’s a question that isn’t important in the “bigger picture” of the work that you are doing with the client and moving on.
iv) Temporarily moving on and planning to revisit it at a later time.

5) Your client has some belief that is preventing them from exploring that possibility or speaking the answer out loud.

For example, Lets imagine you’re coaching Bob who has answered “I don’t know” to a “what do you want question”. You discover that Bob firstly believes that if he “admitted” his answer he would have to start work towards it. Further questioning shows that he would want to make more money but has a belief that to make money he would have to work many hours, lose his relationships with his loved ones and generally have no fun.

6) Your client has an expectation that every answer they give must be perfect and “correct.

Which means if they are not 100% certain they aren’t voicing the possibilities.

7) Your client doesn’t know where to start

If you’ve ever been confronted with a huge task and not known the best place to start, this is the same thing. You may have your own coaching approach that applies to this, personally I suggest the pick one part and we can work from there.

8) They think you’ll judge them for their answer

This generally happens when they’ve already judged themselves for something, usually negatively. They are afraid that you will agree with that judgement and confirm that judgement.

9) They don’t want to share the information with you

This may be more common in some situations than others. For example, if you are a manager coaching one of your team that you may find that there are certain elements that an employee may not want to share with your other role as their boss.

So is “I don’t know” a problem?

Personally, I don’t think it is. At this stage it’s worth also pointing out that you will find that, even on the questions the client feels are important, not every client will feel that not knowing an answer is an issue. All that answer is, is an indication of what’s happening for that client at that moment in time.

I’m often asked how to deal with the “I don’t know” as an answer. I find it’s common when I’m asked that it’s an alternative/expansion of the coach fearing not knowing what to do in a session. I shared last week 7 suggestions for what to do when you didn’t know what to do.

So here’s an extra couple of points to think about when you get an I don’t know answer.

Consider why you may have got an “I don’t know” as a response. As I listed some of the reasons why you may have got that answer you may have formed ideas about what you could do in each situation. I suspect that you will have seen that each scenario is likely to respond to a different approach.

If you find you get a lot of “I don’t know’s” that you consider is down to a client wanting to be 100% correct or because of fear of being judged, is there anything you can do at the start of your coaching relationship to minimise this. Perhaps you can set the expectation that there may be times when you ask questions when they will be encouraged to list all possibilities, not just ones that are correct and the client feels they’d actually take action about. Maybe it’s about reassuring that you’re not asking them to sign anything in stone or make lifetime commitments when exploring a topic.

I suspect that over time you will have found a version of the question – if you did know, what would the answer be? Personally I found that asking someone if you did know when a client has just said they didn’t can prompt an indignant response to the question rather than focusing upon answering the question. So my personal version is often “if you had to guess what would the answer be?”

Have I missed a reason that a client may say I don’t know? Add your comments below or email me directly here.

About Jen Waller

Jen Waller is on a mission to support, nurture and encourage coaching skills and talents from non-coach to coach and beyond.

As an experienced coach and trainer Jen is happy to utilise all skills at her disposal to assist clients from getting out of their own way and making a difference in the world with their coaching. One of the aspects of her role Jen loves the most is seeing individuals find their voice, grow their confidence and take the next steps. This allows them to make a massive positive impact and difference with their coaching. (For more info about Jen’s coaching click here, including the From non-coach to coach discovery session) Jen has owned and run Coaching Confidence, the coaching blog since 2010.

In her spare time Jen is a volunteer for the UK based charity The Cinnamon Trust. This charity supports elderly and terminally ill pet owners to provide care for their pets. As a volunteer, Jen regularly walks dogs for owners who physically often find that more challenging then they once did. As a pet owner herself, Jen finds it really rewarding to be able to assist an owner stay with an animal that has become part of the family. (Plus it’s a great additional motivator when working from home to get out and get some fresh air and exercise)

Jen also loves theatre and has been known to watch certain popular science fiction films and TV shows!