This week the clip chosen because of its potential interest to coaches is from an independent TEDx event. CharityComm’s Inspiring Communicator of the Year Award 2015 Emma Lawton reflects upon her story and journey with confidence.
Is confidence in my DNA? | Emma Lawton | TEDxLondon
Clip length: 9 mins 26 secs
Prefer to watch via YouTube? In that case you’ll need to click here.
In today’s guest post coach Charlotta Hughes shares some of her new book about confidence and includes a special offer for this blogs readers:
And enjoy your coaching success
Do you come across clients who are holding themselves back because of a poor confidence? Do you find some don’t pursue their goals or achieve all they could because their insecurities hold them back? Perhaps it’s getting in the way of the effectiveness of the coaching, not allowing them to fully experience the benefits?
These situations are of course hard for the clients, but you may agree that it can cause you as their coach some frustrations too. Whether it’s simply getting in the way of you doing your best work, or more fundamentally shakes up your own confidence as a knock on effect of the clients not achieving, it’s not a great case scenario either way.
Especially as we know coaching can be such an effective tool to help people increase their confidence.
The question with some clients is simply how.
If you recognise this scenario, you’ll be happy to hear that not only are there ways in which you can more systematically work with clients to help them grow their confidence, but there’s a great opportunity coming up offering you a way to get from frustration to liberation and client success.
Because later this month the book What’s Your Excuse for not Being More Confident is coming out.
The book explores all of the explanations people give for holding themselves back – essentially outlining the excuses people give themselves for justifying their poor confidence with tips and techniques on how to overcome them.
Thinking of their personal explanations in terms of excuses might be new as, with an emotion like confidence, the excuses will feel like real, justifiable reasons. Clients may even identify with their poor confidence. Of course, this is also why it can be challenging for you as their coach to help a client see past their reasons and truly believe that they have an option to feel better about themselves.
The book gives you the tool to help your clients see that, however justified they feel they are, when they acknowledge that these ‘reasons’ are in fact functioning as excuses they give themselves the opportunity to tackle them so that they can increase their confidence and achieve so much more. This is not about belittling how they feel but instead about liberating themselves from their limiting beliefs. And, in turn, you will enjoy your clients’ progress on a whole new level!
Do you like the sound of an effective and easy to follow structure to use in sessions and share with clients? Then go ahead and grab the pre-publication opportunity exclusively for readers of the Coaching Confidence blog – email ch*******@**************ng.com before the 20th February to get the special discounted prices £6.99 for one or £6.50 for 5 or more (usual price £7.99) plus P&P of £1.99 for one (P&P for bulk orders depends on size). Simply state CC Offer in the subject bar.
For you to get a feel for the book, here is the sample chapter I was born negative from the Mind section of the book:
Does change feel uncomfortable and make you anxious? Perhaps you find the unknown difficult or scary because it’s unpredictable?
Is a feeling of being in control important to you? Do you need to know what’s coming next?
In fact fear of change and fear of losing control are two sides of the same coin.
The truth is that life is unpredictable and by trying to control things you can easily end up increasing rather than decreasing your anxiety levels. This happens when you are trying to remain within your comfort zone because, though the comfort zone can be helpful and feel safe, when it keeps you stuck it’s in fact very far from comfortable or helpful.
Therefore, your comfort zone is currently supporting your lack of confidence and in order to grow and develop your confidence, you need to push the boundaries of that zone.
Yet, do you find yourself resisting? Are you now thinking of a hundred reasons why you shouldn’t change, why any attempts to change would fail or why making the change is too overwhelming or difficult?
Perhaps you talk about the change, think about it regularly and dwell on the reasons why you need the change but can’t progress towards it? I bet that feels pretty frustrating!
If you think about it, your attempts to stay in control and within your comfort zone aren’t helping, and you’re actually getting in your own way, denying yourself the chance of more happiness in life.
Below is a list of ways in which you can help introduce change into your life and find the courage to step outside your comfort zone:
Pushing the boundaries of your comfort zone
Be honest – You might be living healthily and in accordance with your values in many ways, but chances are, deep down, you know that there are some things you should change, things which are adversely affecting your confidence levels. Be honest with yourself and allow yourself to acknowledge what these things are.
Focus your efforts – Zero in on the behaviour that you would like to change. For example, if you’re stuck and tend to say no to new experiences because you’re worried you won’t be good enough, then make it part of your daily routine to list experiences you’d like to try, look out for opportunities coming your way and say yes more often. Being specific and deliberately focusing on saying yes is a lot more enabling than just deciding to try new things. Which new behaviours will benefit your confidence levels and how will you start to practise these? The
Incentivise yourself – Make a list of all the good reasons to break an unhelpful habit and use this to incentivise yourself whenever you feel scared, insecure or like giving up. For instance, a better social life or greater achievements at work, which your current tendency to say no might be preventing. These would be real and very attractive benefits to feed your confidence – great incentives! What are your strongest and most compelling incentives?
Do something! – Set yourself up for success by taking immediate action. However small the first step, do it, and you’ll find it leads to further actions as you build up momentum and your confidence grows.
Congratulate yourself – Take every opportunity to look out for nice and good things you are doing and make a point of acknowledging them. Say to yourself, ‘What a kind thing to say’ (rather than ‘ah, that was nothing’), ‘Didn’t I do well not giving up in those circumstances’ (rather than ‘how rubbish was I at that’), or ‘I managed to fit in 30 minutes on the treadmill’ (rather than ‘I’m so rubbish, I should have done a 1 hour workout’).
Enlist backup – Tell someone you trust what it is you intend to achieve. Not only can they help you recognise when you’re slipping, but you’re also much less likely to slip in the first place as you might lose face if you fail! Accountability can be key to staying on track or to recognising when you are straying from the path to success. Don’t allow a fear of failure to prevent you from sharing your intentions! To whom will you tell your plans and intentions?
Record your achievements – Keep careful notes of your progress and achievements and the benefits you are experiencing. Progress is a very effective incentive to keep going. Read more about keeping a success diary in “No one appreciates me”.
Persevere – If you slip up, perhaps because you feel overly nervous, you’re too hard on yourself or you let your insecurities stop you from doing something, don’t be tempted to throw in the towel. Just get back on track and keep going. Failure is only a reality when you stop trying. See also “I’m an underachiever“ for more on how to handle slips.
To go ahead and grab this opportunity – simply email ch*******@**************ng.com with CC Offer in the subject bar and remember to do so before the 20th February when the book is published.
Charlotta has over 17 years experience within personal development and has run her coaching practice, Be Me Life Coaching since 2007. She specialises in confidence, career and leadership coaching as well as coach mentoring for life and business coaches. In 2013 she won UK Life Coach of the Year in the UK and her first book What’s Your Excuse for Not Being More Confident? was released in 2017. She offers a free, no obligation consultation and can be contacted via email: charlotta@
This week’s TED Talk clip is from an independent TEDx event:
Why the world needs you to celebrate your rhythm | Dionne Thomas | TEDxTemecula
Clip length: 12 mins 13 secs
Prefer to watch via YouTube? In that case you’ll need to click here.
In today’s guest post Laura Li shares some of her personal experience and what she’s learnt as she has grown as a coach.
At the time of writing I’m waiting to film an episode of the TV quiz show Pointless.
The audition includes a short mock version of the game. The test at the audition is not so much about getting the right answer, but how you interact with the other contestants and the quiz show hosts.
But I was so nervous. I just wanted to impress the producers. I forgot about the other people there. I was so intent on getting not just the right answers, but good answers, perfect answers, even. I didn’t really interact with anybody at all.
I wasn’t paying much attention to anyone else and was more focussed on myself and what I was going to say next.
And this is a trap we can fall into when we lack confidence in our coaching ability.
When I was coaching my very first clients, I would ask what they wanted to talk about in the session. And from the moment they started talking I was thinking about my next question.
What I was going to say next.
The Voice in my head started up, telling me there was a perfect question that would help the client.
And I wasn’t good enough to think of it.
Every other coach knew exactly what to ask. But not me. I was stumbling and fumbling around in the dark and soon someone was going to notice. The Voice told me I didn’t deserve to call myself a coach.
It was all about how clever my questions were. Not about giving the client the space to think things through for themselves. I’m embarrassed to admit it, but I was still at the stage of thinking that coaching was all about me.
The Voice still whispers to me that I’m not good enough. But I’m glad to say I’ve built upon my initial training and I’ve learned that it’s not all about me. However, I’m still new at this and I do still worry sometimes about how I’ll manage a coaching session.
If, like me, you still worry sometimes about what you’ll say to your client or what questions you’ll ask:
Remember to ASK.
Nancy Kline, author of Time To Think, tells us that “the quality of our attention determines the quality of other people’s thinking”. For us coaches that means we need to be focussed on the client.
Not on us and certainly not on what our next question should be.
Of course the quality of your questions matter. As coaches, questions are our stock in trade. But we need to let go of the need to look good.
And you know what? The irony is that when you focus on the client completely, and give over your attention to them, the right question will come. I say the “right” question. The beauty is there is no actual right or wrong.
It’s not like brain surgery. Then there’s a proper way to perform the procedure. Or a fatal way.
I love the rich diversity that is coaching. There are so many different ways of getting to awareness and action.
This is not to say that we don’t want to be good at what we do. Of course we want to take our clients deep and be excellent coaches.
I simply mean that for newer coaches, if you lack confidence around finding the right questions at the right time, moving the focus from you to your client will put the attention where it belongs – on them. And it will also give you the space you need – to tap into your coaching wisdom and intuition.
Even if the “correct” question doesn’t come, the right one will.
Michael Neil says that if a man tells his hopes, dreams, and problems to a lamp post each week, the simple act of unburdening himself and leaving his mind free and clear will lead to more inspired ideas and a better life.
So even without the perfect question you are still serving your clients just by spending time and attention on them.
You need to be comfortable with silence.
Or if you can’t mange that, you need to be comfortable with being uncomfortable with silence.
One thing that used to make me really worry and lack confidence during a coaching session was long silences. As a client I love them. So much going on in my head, so much thinking, so much problem- solving, so much new awareness.
But as a coach I thought the silence meant nothing was happening. My client was waiting. Not only was she waiting, she was also wondering what the heck’s wrong with my coach? Is she even still there on the end of the phone? I rushed to ask the next question.
Silence is your best friend.
I can’t tell you exactly how long to leave the silence. I think Rich Litivin, author of The Prosperous Coach, suggests waiting until the client speaks again. But as with everything Rich Litvin teaches us, that is entirely dependant on each unique situation.
What I can say, is that if you’re very new to coaching, you should probably be leaving the silence for longer than you do.
Silence is actually another way of giving the client your attention. Who ever stays silent in normal conversation with them? When do they ever get the time and space to work out what they think?
Don’t be afraid of the silence. It’s usually where the magic is happening.
My coaching school taught me the GROW model and we had 45 minutes to get from Goal to Will. There wasn’t much time for silence in there. As a trainee coach I felt like I was galloping through the process so I could pat myself on the back for using the system correctly and a job well done.
I must have done a good job, right? Because we got all the way to Will and we even had 5 minutes to spare. How come my clients weren’t making much progress?
If you lack a little confidence in your coaching it’s easy to see the silence as robbing you of precious time to move the session along or “do” the coaching. You can see it as failure on your part to provide value to the client. After all, they’re not paying you to just sit there and say and do nothing, are they?
But they’re not paying you for the coaching session at all. The session is simply the vehicle by which your coaching takes place. And in that session you can use space, attention, questions and silence.
The old cliché is true, the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. They are paying you for whatever result it is they came to you for. Lose weight, change job, get married.
And silence will get you to that result much quicker than talking too much.
The lamp post doesn’t talk back. It’s all silence from the lamp post. And while that’s going too far the other way, your client needs the silence to reach clarity.
Silence is a necessary a part of the whole.
Keeping (or holding) the space for a client means letting them know that the coaching session is a time for them to be with themselves. It’s a luxury they won’t often get in today’s fast paced world.
It’s a time for them to think about themselves and their life. To indulge in an hour when they can think, often for the first time, about what they really want. And what’s holding them back. When new awareness can happen in an instant.
The lamp post exists for the “client” in a space where he is in between work and home. Where he has for a short while left behind the pressures of work and before he has crossed the threshold back into the bustle of home life.
Create that same space for your clients.
It can take courage to create that space for someone else. It’s an honour and a privilege to be witness to someone else’s innermost thoughts. It can be scary to lead your client into that space.
But rather than pulling back, believe that your clients want you to lead them into this space.
And they need you to.
This is not a linear 1-2-3 step process.
These are principles that have guided me (and still do) when I find that I’m getting too much into my own head and worrying about not being a good enough coach. It’s part of a way of being to help me be the best coach I can be in any given moment.
Remembering to ASK has helped me to improve as coach. Both in terms of technical skill and my confidence. I hope there is something in here that is useful for you too.
We can be sure you’re a better coach than a lamp post.
So be with the client, ASK, and trust your own intuition.
And theirs.
Laura Li is a Certified Life Coach who works with people who fear they’re not good enough and helps them change their thinking to change their life.
To find out more about Laura or her work you can contact her at laura.li@btinternetcom
In this weeks guest post Adele Michal shares some of her experience and knowledge gained from working with women entrepreneurs.
Do you ever wonder why so many mission-driven entrepreneurs find getting really clear on what they offer and how to talk about it to prospective clients so difficult?
FEAR plagues many women entrepreneurs who want to make a difference. Fear has many faces. I’ll talk about several of them here in the next few weeks.
Naming fears and clearing them out of your system is the BEST WAY for you to get clear on what services you offer in your business so that you develop ease enrolling your ideal clients.
Let’s talk about one fear that may be affecting you and your business without your knowing it so that you can address and change it.
If you are like most women in business, you fear:
Many men do not have this fear and in fact, are quite confident that they can do things they’ve never done before or been trained to do.
In contrast, many very capable women resist trying something new and instead seek another certification or more training so they are sure to be able to handle what might come up.
As you can imagine, fear of doing “it” wrong keeps many service-based entrepreneurs from getting clear on exactly what they offer, how it benefits their clients, and how valuable it is.
Many of us were raised to be “good girls” and want to please the people who are important to us. Caring about others is what we do as women, but in business we can carry it too far.
Ask yourself where in your business and offerings you are trying to please someone besides yourself.
(** See my note below)
Behind all of these actions is a fear of not pleasing someone who matters to you. Ask yourself:
Who is that person?
What would s/he say if you tried something new or bold?
How would s/he respond if you did something wrong?
As you come up with your answers to these questions, imagine a different response than fear.
Could you laugh at yourself for thinking that anyone would really want less than the best for you?
Can you release some of the fear by breathing it out and give yourself some freedom to move forward another step?
How about giving yourself a Free Pass from Perfection for the next 30 days? Intend to do it wrong. Let yourself learn. You can perfect it later and the world will not fall apart.
It is critical to you and your business that you name, face, and disable your fear of Doing It Wrong. If you’re not clearly sharing your work and gifts with the people you are meant to help, they cannot get the benefit of working with you. And that is a shame.
Life and business are messy. There’s no such thing as perfection. Doing is better than perfect. We’ll all survive if you don’t get it right this time. Next time you’ll know how to make it better.
I invite you to disengage from your Fear of Doing It Wrong this month. Please let me know how it goes for you. You may be surprised at how much you like the freedom to learn by doing.
** When you’re first starting your practice or service business, it’s good to do a few no cost or low-cost sessions to get experience and clarity about who you like to work with. It’s also sometimes appropriate to do a trade with someone whose work you really value and want. And it’s surely good to give pro-bono work to someone who can’t afford your fees at this time.
But if you are not charging, not charging enough, or doing a lot of trades, you are sabotaging your business, not giving your clients an opportunity to invest in themselves, and telling yourself subconsciously that what you do is not valuable.
This is a dangerous trend and does not serve you or your clients. Look at what you are afraid of and summon up the courage to face it. I promise it will be rewarding.
Adele Michal helps entrepreneurs and small business owners help more people and make more money by teaching them how to sell authentically instead fearing sales.
Adele is the creator of Peak State Selling™ Process. She works with individual clients and leads training courses on Selling Without Fear™. She focuses her work on helping her clients enhance their performance in authentic selling by using simple mind/body practices that create confidence, certainty, and charisma in every situation.
To receive Adele’s Free Gift, End Your Money Worries: 3 Simple Steps to Stop Squashing Your Income & Start Making More Money! go to www.womenmakemoremoney.com/gift
Article Source:Does This Fear Inhibit Your Business?
Article expert page: Adele Michal
Geoff Watts and Kim Morgan has just released their new book “The Coach’s Casebook: Mastering the Twelve Traits That Can Trap You” sharing some of their practical coaching experience and knowledge. In today’s guest post they look at a common trait they’ve seen when coaching:
Do you know anyone you would classify as “too nice for their own good”? Do you know anybody who struggles to say no? How about someone who is constantly worrying about how people might react to something they have done? Perhaps this even describes you?
One of the most common traits we come across in our coaching work is a strong people-pleasing driver – a desire for others to think favourably of us.
Making sure that other people like us increases our chances of fitting in and developing bonds and rapport with others. We are social animals and being part of a group and being liked is key to influencing others and developing relationships. Everyone likes being around someone who makes them feel good! However this trait can easily become a trap. People with a strong people-pleasing trait tend to put other people’s feelings and needs before their own – often to extremes. This can lead to them being taken advantage of and manipulated by others.
Other symptoms of people-pleasing behaviour include:
Often our people-pleasing trait is embedded at a young age. It could be the result of struggling to attain the love or attention of others as children or having had to take on responsibility for family members at a young age. People pleasing can also be a coping mechanism to combat low self-esteem. People with low self-esteem may hope to play on the principle of reciprocity in order to secure compliments, favours and friendship.
As we have already mentioned, pleasing others is a good thing! Being liked by others is a key factor in being successful and the things we do to please others are usually laudable acts and can make other people feel better, build great relationships and generally, make the world a better place.
However, sometimes we have such an extreme desire to be liked that we define our self-worth as a human being by whether we are liked by those around us, In the case of extreme people-pleasing, we need to be liked by everyone – even those people we don’t like or respect. Often the people pleasing behaviours will not be appreciated by the other person and the people pleaser will then feel rejected and strive even harder to please; or alternatively they will resent the other person for not appreciating their sacrifices.
We strive to ensure our coaching clients know that careful consideration of their impact on other people is a good thing. The objective is to help them retain their thoughtfulness and consideration without becoming a ‘doormat’. There are many reasons for developing people-pleasing behaviours as a way of proceeding through life and of course, as coaches, we approach each client as a unique individual. There is no ‘set’ formula for coaching someone with a people-pleasing trait and we always take time to understand the client’s individual history, beliefs, values and behaviours. Some of the approaches we have used in our work with clients with a people-pleasing trait include:
When clients learn to master their people-pleasing trait and bring it into balance they find that:
What techniques do you employ when coaching someone with a strong people-pleasing trait?
Geoff Watts and Kim Morgan are authors of The Coach’s Casebook: Mastering the Twelve Traits That Can Trap You [Amazon UK link]/[Amazon.com link] which looks at the most common traits that are both a large part of their clients’ successes but also one of their biggest limiting factors.
Geoff is a qualified personal and business coach and is a regular keynote speaker about coaching, collaboration and change as well as a leading authority on agile development and Scrum. You can find out more about Geoff at his website http://www.inspectandadapt.com
Kim is Managing Director of Barefoot Coaching Ltd (www.barefootcoaching.co.uk) Barefoot Coaching’s Postgraduate Certificate in Business and Personal Coaching is ICF Approved (ACTP). Kim was Coaching Person of the Year 2012 by Coaching at Work Magazine and is a Visiting Research Fellow at the University of Chester.
“I was always looking outside myself for strength and confidence but it comes from within. It is there all the time.”
(Anna Freud)
This week’s TED Talk clip is from an independent TEDx event:
How to be a confident speaker | Caroline Goyder | TEDxBrixton
Clip length: 18 mins 55 secs
Prefer to watch on TED.com? In that case you’ll need to click here.