Coaching Quote of the Day 9th July 2011
“We will either find a way or make one.”
(Hannibal – Just before crossing the Alps)
commitment
Do you always believe your coaching client?
When I initially started writing this piece the opening line was at the risk of sounding like Gregory House from the TV show House – All clients lie. Upon reflection I thought that was probably a harsh sweeping generalisation so I will amend it to: I’ve never coached anyone, over a period of time, who at some stage has not lied to me.
There has always come a point when they will try, potentially at great length, to try and persuade me about something that I know is a complete lie – often relatively early in our coaching relationship.
Now, before you build up a derogrery picture of the lovely skilled brilliant individuals I work with, let me also add that if I’m totally honest I’ve done it with my own coaches but, like my clients, I was convinced what I was saying at the time was true.
They may have a very reasonably sounding, well thought out and constructed argument to support the lie. They may even have collected evidence over time that supports their position.
What they have often ignored is evidence that supports any other viewpoint or allowed for the situation altering. They are also often missing other solutions that may not be obvious if they believe this lie they are telling themselves.
For me, one of my roles as a coach is to empower my clients and to see more for them than they are themselves. One of the ways that as a coach I do this is by not believing and “buying in to” every single story they tell me.
If you are reading this it’s quite possible that you are already familiar with the term limiting belief, that is a belief that someone has that gets in their way and limits them. It’s these that clients often lie about, though sometimes it can also be something they don’t want to admit.
So what do you do when you suspect a client is lying?
Sometimes, this takes the form of asking more questions to check the accuracy of what they are telling you.
For example, imagine Bob* was to tell you that he was incapable of taking the next action needed to move closer towards his “goal”. One option is to believe that’s true and look for a different way around that. Another option is to explore further what he thinks is stopping him from taking that action.
On other occasions it can be saying out-right that you don’t believe them. Perhaps they are saying one thing but something that you are seeing or hearing makes you suspect that it’s not the truth.
For example, Bob may be telling you that what he really wants is one thing, but you can hear that there is something missing.
On other occasions it’s about refusing to believe that they are not good enough, amazing enough etc to do great things. My way of handling that is when clients try and convince me that they are not good enough is to point out to them that they can try all they want but they are not going to convince me of that. You see, not always believing a client is different to not believing in your client.
These are all ways that can facilitate your client to find alternative solutions and ways forward.
All this may sound really simple when it’s something that’s obviously not true. What it’s often harder to spot is if your client’s lie happens to be something that you also believe – If you find yourself agreeing with a client when they are telling you what’s in their way then it’s quite possible that this is what is happening.
If you haven’t already I invite you to consider how you will handle that situation, if you wish you can always share that below.
* For the purpose of this post Bob is an imaginary client based on no individual person
Coaches, what do you consider when setting goals? 1
Yes I know it’s the New Year and you have probably read loads of pieces about setting a goal or new years resolution. In fact Mondays self-improvement post was one all about new years resolutions and I very nearly didn’t write this coaching post on a similar topic.
However, some of the emails I received over the festive period asked specifically for some goal related articles. As coaches we deal a lot with goals, targets or whatever specific language you use to define what you are working towards with your client.
The conversation about what different people associate with the word goal is perhaps a post for a different occasion. For simplicity, in the remainder of this post feel free to substitute the terminology you use yourself and with your clients to define what you are both working towards.
If you have done a specific coaching training then it’s quite possible that you have come across the terminology of SMART goals – even if you haven’t done any training you’ve probably still heard mention of them. While there is debate about the definitive definition of each of the words the mnemonic stands for, as far as I can establish it is a term that has its first documented use in 1981 published in a management journal. (There are earlier accounts of the term being used but there does not appear to be any documentation to support this. If anyone knows of proof of an earlier use than do let me know.)
This (potentially) makes 2011 the 30th anniversary of the first publication of the term SMART goals. Since then it has become a term that is used outside of management as well as within.
But is SMART all there is to goal setting? As coaches do you consider anything else?
There have always been extra things that I consider when, as a coach, I am questioning someone around what they want to achieve from our work together. I thought today I would mention two of these. The first is does this person actually genuinely want what they are asking for?
At first glance that may seem like a silly question, why would anyone seek out coaching for something they don’t actually want:
- For some they may be asking for what appears to be the logical next step from where they are.
- Others may be asking for something that they think will give them what they really want (i.e. Extra income will allow them to spend more time with their loved ones and improve those relationships.)
- Then there are those who have “inherited” someone else’s goals for them and haven’t questioned if they actually want them.
- Often individuals may think they have thought “big” but there is still something that would be “even better than that.”
As I see it, one of my roles as a coach is to challenge my clients to think bigger and brighter. So facilitating an awareness and connection with what someone actual wants is an important part of establishing what our potential aim is from working together.
Another aspect that I am conscious of when first establishing with a client what we are working together on is if they are prepared to commit to creating what they are asking for.
This isn’t about judging someone if they are not prepared to commit (and some can be surprised that they are not) but about discovering early on what they think will happen if they do commit.
This normally leads to either the end goal being redefined or some work around a perceived obstacle or how we will work together. For example, sometimes a reluctance to commit can be about being afraid that I, as a coach, will “make” someone take action they would hate doing. (For the record I may invite or challenge but not make someone do something. My work is about supporting someone and making the process easier not bullying them!)
As it is the New Year and the first coaching post of 2011 I invite you to consider as a coach:
What do you want to commit to creating?
Feel free to share your answers below to any of the above questions.