Coaching Quote of the Day 21st November 2013
“When the need to succeed is as bad as the need to breathe, then you’ll be successful.”
(Eric Thomas)
breathe
Laughing babies
This was originally published as a bonus article in the Coaching Confidence weekly email during February 2011. To start getting your very own copy each week enter your details under “Don’t miss a thing!” to the right of this page.
Laughing babies
You may have seen a YouTube clip of a baby laughing as his Dad rips up some paper.
It’s a clip that as I type this has been watched nearly 6 million times directly. It’s also one that has been picked up by various news sources so the actual number of people who will have seen the 8 month year old giggling away will actually be higher.
In the clip you can hear his Dad start to laugh along with his son as he continues to rip up the paper. The paper he is ripping up to such amusement is actually a job rejection letter.
It reminded me of a technique that some of my clients have used when going into a situation that they have felt was really important and were putting pressure on themselves that really wasn’t useful.
Prior to going into or taking a particular action all they did was to take a moment out from focusing upon how important they thought the future event was to their existence. Instead, I asked them to spend a few moments connecting with something that as they think of it brings a smile to their face.
Different people choose to connect with those thoughts and feelings in different manners. As a coach, I invite you to consider some of the options you have to guide someone to do this.
I will also share one of the ways I can teach to a client to play with. This is based loosely upon the Heart Math Institutes work; visit here to find out more about them here)
1. Put your hand physically over your heart,
2. Take a breath in and imagine breathing into your heart (We’re just playing so don’t over think this step!)
3. Hold your breath for a moment and then let it go
4. Repeat steps 2 and 3 for a few cycles while still focusing upon breathing into your heart. (If you find that you imagine any colour etc involved with breathing into your hear, that’s OK too)
5. While still breathing into your heart, think of someone or something that you love, someone that loves you or just something that when you think of it you find yourself automatically grinning about – maybe it’s laughing babies, or little kittens or puppy dogs.
Before I start listing items that could come straight from the lyrics of the sound of Music’s “My favourite things”, I’m going to say that there is no judgement about what thought you are selecting here. Just pick the one that works for you!
6. When you are ready, bring your attention back to your surroundings and continue with the action or event that you used to feel so pressured about.
Many people report that this approach helps to put things into a different perspective for them. I know people who have used this before going into make a presentation, an assessment situation, before picking up the phone to make a sales call etc.
About the Author
Jen Waller is on a mission to support, nurture and encourage coaching skills and talents from non-coach to coach and beyond.
She has created a free 7 day e-course about how to create your own unique coaching welcome pack that works for you and your clients. Get your copy here.
What do you do if you get “stuck” in a coaching session? 2
I often see or hear those new to coaching either ask directly or voice a fear about not knowing what to do if they get “stuck” in a coaching session.
For the purposes of this post I’m going to interpret “stuck” as having no idea what to do next. If this is a fear that you experience then let me share with you that you will probably find that the more coaching experience you get, the more techniques, strategies and skills you’ll gain making the prospect of getting stuck less and less likely.
To get you started (or to add to what you have already) I’ve included 7 pointers below.
Breathe!
It certainly doesn’t help the client if you get caught up in your own head with any thoughts going at a thousand miles per hour or start to panic about what you’ll do next. So firstly take a breath and allow yourself to relax.
As you return your full focus to your client you may notice that your client may also benefit from taking a moment to slow down their thoughts and also take some time “out” to breathe.
Listen
With your full focus upon your client pay full attention to what they are saying, the words that they are actually using and not any interpretation you may have added. There can sometimes be clues in the language that they use that when you incorporate into a question can produce powerful responses. Because these questions are “tailored made” for the client you won’t find them written down in any coaching course material.
Also notice how someone says something, for example if they are telling you about something they say they really want yet they don’t “come alive” when they talk about it use it as a signal to explore more about what they are not saying.
Are you clear with what your client wants to get from the session?
If you feel that your coaching session is heading in an aimless direction, it can be worth checking that you (and your client) are clear about what is the goal for the session.
Once you have that clarity ask yourself, and even your client, what will move them closer to achieving that session goal.
What is getting in your clients way?
Have you identified what’s stopping your client from moving forward? You don’t need to have shared this with your client if it’s not appropriate but if you can see the perceived “problem” then it is easier to identify a line of questioning/activity that will move through, around or over what is stopping them.
Sometimes it can be as simple as asking them to take action during the session – if they’ve been putting of making an appointment to give a presentation you’ve established they are more than prepared for – pass them the phone and invite them to do it then and there. If the issue is more than not having prioritised making that appointment it’s likely to highlight what is getting in their way so you can identify the next step.
For your client to see something as a problem, what must a client believe to be true?
Sometimes what can cause a coach to be “stuck” is because a client is telling them about something they think of as a problem, yet the coach doesn’t perceive that as an issue so struggles to find an effective next step.
It can be worth asking yourself what a client must believe is true for that to appear a problem to them.
It can also be worth checking that this is actually a problem for them – sometimes a client will have “heard” and answered a different question to the one you actually asked. So it could be that the reason you can’t imagine how this is a problem is because it isn’t a problem! (I’ve written previously about clients answering a different question to the one asked here.)
What question can I ask that will make the biggest difference right now?
You may not have an idea of the question that’s going to make the biggest difference right now but what about your client? “What question can I ask that will make the biggest difference right now?” firstly allows the client to dictate the direction of the session.
You’ll find that the slight change in asking them to think in a form of a question can be an additional stepping stone to leading to an answer that provides a big insight for the client. It can also be an indication for you as a coach the story that your client is telling themself about this situation.
Do something different
If what you are doing isn’t working then try a different approach.
Perhaps you may want to ask your client to physically move, take the coaching conversation on the move by going for a walk, or just by swapping seats. In the right circumstances this can all be enough to be a catalyst for a new perspective.
Maybe you may want to introduce a “coaching exercise” that involves writing/drawing on paper instead of working mainly talking. Alternatively, you may have a “technique” from a different and complimenting “discipline” that you can put into practice.
By doing something different you will move the coaching session into a new place, one where it can be easier to see the next step towards that session goal.
These are just 7 pointers, what else would you add?
What Shape is your Confidence: taking these simple steps can boost your confidence
In this weeks guest post, coach and psychologist, Colin Clerkin shares some thoughts about confidence. Could these be steps you use personally or with clients?
What Shape is your Confidence: taking these simple steps can boost your confidence
by Colin Clerkin
What Shape is your Confidence: taking these simple steps can boost your confidence
When you think about confidence, what does it mean to you? It is an attitude, a belief, a sense of assuredness that permeates your being and allows you to feel that you can achieve anything. A confident you can nail that presentation, make that sale, ask for that raise.
But an un-confident you… now, that is a very different story, is it not? Self-doubt, uncertainty, anxiety; an inability to function that often makes little sense to you because you know you have the ability, but the self-belief is just not there when you need it.
There are many things that we can learn to try to address our lack of confidence. Coaches and psychologists can help with psycho-educational training that looks at assertiveness, stress management courses, social skills training, etc. All of these can make a positive difference to how you perceive a situation and your response to it, but I would like to introduce another, simple idea, one that approaches the problem at a physical level.
I would like you to consider how your body shape reflects your inner state — and then recognise how you can start to overcome problems with confidence by actively, physically, making the changes I will introduce to you in this article.
Lack of confidence has a “shape”
When we are NOT confident, we all know that it shows. The people around us can tell. For example, the un-confident me will tend to close in on myself: my shoulders droop; my head drops; my eye contact becomes poor. I might rub my hands, or chew my lip, or yawn even though I am not tired. All of this occurs unconsciously in response to some perceived threatening situation. This is not threatening in the sense that my physical well-being is at risk, but threatening to my self-esteem and my sense of competence as a person.
So, let’s begin to address this by looking at how adjusting the frame of the body can lead us to positive change in how we feel in certain situations, and we can learn to use body posture as a priming cue for confidence.
Body posture creates the scaffolding upon which we can hang positive imagery to help shift our perceptions of ourselves — if we can learn to project our confident shape onto our body framework, we can use this to start altering our response to challenges to our confidence.
By paying attention to and altering our body posture in line with our desired functioning, and building onto this scaffold, we can cue associated desired, confident responses.
But where do we find “our confident shape”?
The first place to look is in our own experience. Think back to a time when you did feel confident. Spend a minute or two recalling that experience; what it felt like and, importantly, how you held yourself at the time. Notice how your shoulders were set strongly, your head up. Felt good, didn’t it? This is the core of the confident image that I want you to project onto the body scaffold I described above.
If your life experience has not been of confidence previously, then take some time to think about someone that you admire whom you consider to be supremely and positively confident. They can be a real person or someone from fiction; it does not matter. But notice what it is about their physical presentation that causes you to perceive them as confident. Notice how they hold themselves, the way they meet the gaze of the person they are speaking to, or their voice tone when they speak. Imagine this confident posture projected onto your own frame and pay attention to where in your body you first notice the spark of that feeling as it takes hold.
Breath in deeply and focus on that part of your body where you feel that confidence once again. With each deep breathe in, allow yourself to experience that confidence growing. Physically allow your body to mirror the posture of that confident you of old or that admired role model. Feel the shape of confidence as it takes hold of your frame and inhabit it.
Now realise what you have just achieved
With a few simple deep breaths and the application of a memory from another time or an impression of another’s poise to your current body posture, you have boosted your own confidence. It may only be by a matter of degrees this first time, but imagine how, by practicing this technique regularly, you can enhance this experience and learn to apply it readily at those times in your day-to-day life where previously you have felt your confidence escape you.
Learn to do this and you will soon see how your confidence can take on this new and exciting positive shape.
About the author
Dr Colin Clerkin is a psychologist and coach based in Chester, in the North West of England. Colin has been involved in helping people tackle challenges in their lives for 20 years, initially as a clinical psychologist and, over the past three years, as both a personal and a parent coach.After his own experiences with cancer in recent years, he has also been inspired to coach cancer survivors as they look to adjust to life after cancer.
He launched Mirror Coaching in 2010, and provides face-to-face or Skype-based coaching to parents, individuals and small business owners. He is currently creating an on-line coaching programme to help people in the early stages of setting up their coaching and therapy practices.