Coaching and motivating clients, part two 1

This is the second of two coaching posts with some pointers if you get “stuck” motivating a client.

Last week’s coaching post “Coaching and motivating clients, part one” talked about who was asking about motivation, asked what motivation means and assisting your client to tap into their natural desire.

Notice the impact of your words

Often as a coach, when the question of motivation comes up, you are looking for your client to take some action. Aid that physical movement by adding a sense of “movement” and momentum in the language you use in your conversation and questions.

My high school English teacher would no doubt shake his head in despair at the following but this is not a post designed to give linguistic labels and detailed explanations.

This section is not only here to get you to move once, it’s here to get you moving.

Adding “ing” to a word often gives a greater sense of movement and momentum so can assist your client to find answers and actions that will help them to turn that momentum into reality.

For example, you can get different answers and responses to using the word “motivated” compared to “motivating.”

Commitment and accountability

Inviting your client to make a commitment and the accountability that this brings can make it much easier for a client to complete a task. You may even argue that it can make it less easy for them to put it off until tomorrow and it never getting done.

Sure, depending on your client, they may still put it off to the last minute and only do it in the immediate hours before your next session but that is still likely to be more than they had done before.

Personally I like to invite clients to agree a specific time and drop me an email between sessions to confirm that they have taken that action. It has been known for specific clients to request that if I don’t hear from them to chase them up with my own email.

I’m aware that not every coach will be willing to offer that as an option. This works for me because of the way I structure my coaching practice as I have built in priority email contact for clients in my coaching packages.

I’m also comfortable providing that accountability as I always phrase it as an invitation, giving the option for the client to decline. This means that the extra accountability is the clients by their own choice.

Just do it

Sometimes, some clients will get so caught up in wanting to explore the why and thinking there is something deeply wrong with them. In reality all that has happened is that they haven’t made taking that action a priority. They have done something else in the time that they could have done this action.

Now there may, or may not, have been good reason to have prioritised something else instead. Regardless of the “cause” the reality is still the same the action/task is still to be completed.

Question for the coach: What would have to happen to make completing this a priority for this client?

Sometimes a really effective strategy can be to get the client to complete a task right then and there. This will obviously depend upon the client, the situation and what they wanted to get from the session.

For example, if they wanted to get motivation to make an appointment they had been putting off, invite them to make the call during the session.

You may not think of this as “traditional” coaching but it moves the client forward quickly and your client will not be concerned that you assisted them using something that isn’t likely to be in “coaching 101”.

Homework

This doesn’t mean overwhelm them with action steps as this can lead to them stopping again. It does mean that you can use “homework” to assist your client to get momentum going by taking the next step once they have started.

Some clients will find taking a huge leap easier than just a small step so consider this when choosing/discussing homework, if any, for your client.
Questions to consider: “What is a really easy next step to take?”
“What would be a fun next step to take?”

Challenge your client

If you have a client who has committed to take action, you’ve done everything you can think of to facilitate that and yet they repeatedly have not taken that action, there is probably something else going on. Don’t be afraid to share what you have observed.

Your role is there to assist them to get value from your work together however it’s a two way relationship, they can’t just be passive. For some clients, in some instances, challenging your client can provide the avenue that your client needs to share what is going on for them.

Sometimes it can reveal an obstacle that for some reason your client hasn’t shared with you.

On other occasions (usually in situations when they are not paying for the coaching themselves) they may not see the value of coaching. For example, in a business when they have been told they “have” to attend your coaching session. This can give you the opportunity to have a conversation about the value they want to get and explore how you can go about providing that.

Note:

I’m also going to mention at this stage that I personally believe that not every single client is going to be a perfect fit for every single coach – and vica-versa. Also sometimes coaching may not be the ideal solution for a particular client at a particular time.

If you and your client decide that you’ve gone as far as you can with your coaching together that does not automatically mean that you are a terrible coach and should beat yourself up about it. Just like I’d say that there it does not mean that there is anything “wrong” with your client.  I suggest you learn what you can from working together and then move on.

These are just some of the things you could do and consider – what else would you add?

About the Author

Jen WallerJen Waller is on a mission to support, nurture and encourage coaching skills and talents from non-coach to coach and beyond.

She has created a free 7 day e-course about how to create your own unique coaching welcome pack that works for you and your clients. Get your copy here.

The Coaching Aha! 1

In this week’s guest post Lenny Deverill-West shares how he has been practically incorporating other teachings into his own work with clients.

The Coaching Aha!

By Lenny Deverill-West

I’m sure we have all had those coaching genius moments where we do some work with a client and they have an ‘Aha’ moment, and they light up like an electric light bulb, almost as quickly as their fears, worries and doubts fade into nothing and are replaced with a renewed sense of confidence, enthusiasm and all the other good stuff.

And of course there’s the other side of coin where you’ve done even more great work with a client, the stars have seemly aligned, every barrier has been removed and they know exactly what they should do but yet, it doesn’t ‘feel’ solved?, something hasn’t quite shifted for them? it makes sense, but something is still there.

Now there are many reasons for this and even more approaches to deal with it. So when I read a book I was recommended called ‘Focusing’ by psychotherapist Eugine Gendlin, I was interested to find in it some clues how to get a few more of those Aha moments in my coaching.

While researching what makes psychotherapy successful or unsuccessful, Gendlin observed that often it was not down to the therapist’s technique that determined the success, but there was something the patient was doing. A kind of ‘inner act’, with an observable set of behaviors.

I think a lot of us might recognise this as tapping in the right place, the client is getting it, they’re having an insight, the penny is dropping there is a noticeable positive shift not just in their thinking but physically, you can actually see it happening.

Gendlin found that the successful patients had the ability to respond to the therapist’s work though a very subtle and vague internal bodily awareness, which he termed a ‘felt sense’.

A felt sense is not an emotion but a bodily felt sense or awareness of a problem, worry or hurt. The clients ability to be aware of this ‘felt sense’ and therefore it’s absence, through the coaching provide, can supply them with a tangible ‘felt sense’ of their issues being shifting and releasing.

In his wonderful book Focusing, Gendlin describes a common naturalistic occurrence of Focusing.

“You are about to take a plane trip, let’s say to visit family or friends. You board the airplane with a small but insistent thought nagging you: you have forgotten something. The plane takes off. You stare out the window, going through various things in your mind. Seeking that elusive little piece of knowledge.

What did I forget? What was it?

You are troubled by the felt sense of some unresolved situation, something left undone, something left behind.

Notice you don’t have any factual data, you have an inner aura, an internal taste. Your body knows, but you don’t

Maybe you try to argue it away, try to squash it intellectually or rise above it – the method of belittling it.

You tell yourself: no, I won’t let this bother me and spoil my trip.

Of course, that doesn’t work. The feeling is still there. You sigh and rummage in your mind again.

You find a possibility “ Helens Party! I forgot to tell Helen I can’t come to her party!’

This idea doesn’t satisfy the feeling. It is perfectly true that you forgot to tell Helen you would miss her party but you body knows it isn’t this that has been nagging you all morning.

You still don’t know what you forgot and you still feel that wordless discomfort. Your body knows you have forgotten something else and it knows what that something is. That is how you can tell it isn’t Helens party.

At some moments the felt sense of what it is gets so vague that it almost disappears, but at other moments it comes in so strongly that you feel you almost know.

Then suddenly from the felt sense, it burst to the surface

The Snapshots! I forgot to pack the picture I was going to show Charlie. You have hit it and the act of hitting it gives you a sudden physical relief.

Somewhere in your body, something releases, some tight thing lets go.”

When I read this it really started to connect a lot of dots for me in what I’m trying to achieve with my clients. Like many I have trained in various different types of change work from Coaching to Hypnotherapy and they all have their take on what is important in facilitating a client to change.

Some change workers like to focus on the root cause, by looking into the clients past and others might prefer to focus on the present, as the great thing about the past is that it in the past (These are extreme example to make a point, I realise it’s not that clear cut).

I have seen phenomenal change through both methods, but for me they are both effective ways of facilitating the client towards a notable shift in their experience.

How I use Focusing

I don’t follow the Gendlin’s six steps for Focusing exclusively but have looked to incorporate the ideas behind it onto my work.

Here’s is a very abridge transcript of a session I did with a client called Sue (not her real name) who was experiencing some anxiety in relation to what should have been a move to her dream home.

Me: So Sue, how can I help you?

Sue: Yes, well we’re moving to a beautiful new house, it’s in a lovely area and my husband loves the place but as much as I try and be positive about it and there is something that just doesn’t quite feel right and it’s been troubling me for some time now.

Me: Ok Sue so as you think about this move I’d like you to tune into your body and get a felt sense it of what been troubling you.

Sue, settles in her chair and begins to tune into her body.

Me: Have you got it?

Sue: Yes

Me: What’s that like?

Sue: It’s a horrible heaviness in my chest; it feels like there’s a black cloud over me.

Me: A horrible heaviness, your chest and a black cloud over you?

Sue: Yes

At this point I would begin coaching the client around their issue whist checking in with the felt sense.

In Sue’s case to check with what was happening with the sense of ‘horrible heaviness’ and ‘black cloud’. This would to allow her to become aware of the felt sense shifting and decreasing in direct relation to her own insights around her issue.

We rejoin the session at the point Sue has uncovered that she felt she had to like the house, because her husband loved it so much when they viewed it.

Sue: I should have been honest about my true feelings from the start

Me: You SHOULD have been honest?

Sue: Yes I should have just said I didn’t feel right about this house at the time, but he just seemed to love it some much, I felt I couldn’t.

Me: And what happens to that heavy black cloud feeling, when you think about not being honest at the time?

Sue: It makes it worse!

Me: It makes it worse the more you think what you SHOULD have done?

Sue: Yes

Me: So what would happen if you were honest about your true feelings now?

Sue: Well, I think my husband would be a bit disappointed, but I’m sure he would understand

Me: Sue when you think about you being more honest to your husband and telling him how you truly feel, what happens to that sense of heaviness in your chest and that black cloud?

Sue takes a few moments to shuffle in her chair as she tries to tune into the felt sense.

Sue: It’s kind of lifted

Me: It’s kind of lifted?

Sue: Yes, when I think about just being honest, saying what I wanted to say it’s just gone!

Working in this way links up what is felt in to body with the various techniques you might use in your coaching session, by doing this you can enable your clients to become even more aware of how their problem or issues are beginning to shift for them.

About the Author/Further Resources

Lenny Deverill-West is a Cognitive Hypnotherapist, NLP Practitioner, Coach and Corporate Trainer based in Southampton.

Lenny spends most his time seeing clients at his Southampton practice and is also developing trainings courses and Hypnotherapy products that are due out early next year. For more information about Lenny Deverill-West visit www.startlivingtoday.co.uk.