When we let go of the “rules” about how to listen, and just listen, something deeper comes through.
I used to think good listening meant being able to repeat things back word for word. And in some settings, that kind of accuracy can be useful. But somewhere along the way, it quietly became a rule: If I can’t repeat it back, I wasn’t really listening. That idea stuck with me longer than I realised.
We all pick up rules like that. Sometimes from formal training. Sometimes from things that were implied but never said. And sometimes we make them up ourselves without noticing. Little hidden checklists about the “right way” to listen.
If I were really listening properly, I would:
• Stay completely silent
• Keep perfect eye contact
• Nod at just the right moments
• Remember everything exactly
• Have a helpful response ready
What rules have you picked up? Because the more I’ve noticed mine, the more I’ve come to see they aren’t always true. And they can actually get in the way.
When I’m busy in my head trying to do it “right,” trying to remember the exact words or come up with something useful to say, I’m not really with the other person. I’m listening to my own thinking instead. And that’s the bit that breaks connection.
There’s another kind of listening that feels less effortful and more open. It’s not about agreeing or disagreeing. It’s not about figuring out what to say next. It’s not even about being “helpful.” It’s like listening for the music rather than the lyrics.
The feel of something. The deeper sense behin dthe words. The part I can miss if I’m stuck in my own thoughts or caught up in doing it right. When I listen that way, just to see what I hear, I settle. My mind gets quieter. I hear more, but with less effort.
And it works both ways. What would it be like to listen to yourself from that same open space?
Not with judgement. Not with analysis. Just listening to see what you hear.
That’s what this short clip from our Finding You Again series is all about:
It’s a quiet reminder that deep listening isn’t a technique. It’s a settling. A softening. A way of being that lets something fresh come through. Sometimes even the intention to listen for insight can add pressure. It becomes another agenda: This will be helpful, so I must concentrate.
But what if it’s enough just to be open? There’s something beautiful in that kind of listening. It doesn’t always give me an answer, but it gives me space. And in that space, something fresh can appear.
Gentle Invitation
We’re exploring this and more in Finding You Again, a four-week series for anyone who’s been striving but still senses something is missing. Week 2 is this Saturday and you’re very welcome to join us live, you can also catch up with the Week 1 recording..
Find out more and join us here
About Jen Waller
Jen Waller is a transformative coach who supports people in coming home to the quiet clarity beneath the noise of their thoughts.
Her work is grounded, spacious and deeply human, an invitation to tune in to your own wisdom and see what’s waiting there.