“Don’t let him live rent free in your head.”

(Line from the TV show CSI episode If I had a hammer, spoken by the character “Brass”)

This week’s message is in response to a few queries and stories people have shared about how what others have said in the past effects your confidence.

A couple of years ago I wrote the following in response to similar questions. The piece was very popular at the time so it felt appropriate to share it with you again.

As always you are the expert on you, I invite you to play with what’s written here and if you want modify any of it to see how it makes a difference for you.

I was co-delivering a training a few weeks ago and the theme that appeared throughout the day was that you only had to live through something once.

It reminded me of a Zen story about two travelling monks, one was younger and less experienced who looked up to the older brother. On their travels they came across a river where they met a young woman. Wary of the current, she asked if they could carry her across. The younger monk hesitated, as their order strictly forbid relations with females. The older monk quickly picked her up onto his shoulders, transported her across the water, and put her down on the other bank. She thanked him and departed.

As the monks continued on their way, the younger one was brooding and preoccupied. After several days and unable to hold his silence any longer, he spoke out. “Brother, our spiritual training teaches us to avoid any contact with women, but you picked that one up on your shoulders and carried her!”

The older monk looked surprised and then laughed, “Brother,” the second monk replied, “I set her down on the other side, while you are still carrying her.”

So how can you put down something you’ve been carrying around? Unless someone is in the room with you right now the actual event which made you feel unconfident has been and gone so it’s what we’re doing in our head that often keeps people stuck in one place. This week’s tip looks at one way in which, if you wanted to, you can play with that and alter your feelings towards an event.

There is a range of options you can control now when watching digital television, just by using your remote control:

Brightness

volume

The camera you watch events on,

If you want commentary (or not) on sporting events etc.

This technique literally hands you the control panel to your own memory.

I invite you to play with some event in the past that you would like to feel different about. Be gentle, I wouldn’t suggest picking anything traumatic, remember this is the first time that you’ve potentially done this.

You may find this easier if you note down your answers to this using a pen and paper.

1. Imagine you are sat about to watch this event on screen.

Notice if you are watching this on TV, a normal cinema screen, a special panoramic screening or something else entirely.

How close to the screen are you sat and at what angle?

2. As the event begins to play on screen notice how the director has chosen to display this event:

Is it colour or black and white?

Is it bright or dim?

Is it moving or still (or a series of still photo’s)?

Is what you’re watching flat or 3d?

How big is the image your watching?

3. Once you have noted that, begin to play with what you have noticed – You become the director of the event and you can decide how you watch it. Feel the difference each change makes to the experience.

For example if you were sat close to the screen before what happens if you move the screen right to the horizon?

If you were watching something in colour before what happens if you use the control panel and drain the colour out so it’s black and white.

Bonus tip

4. As you notice which settings feel just right you may want to play with a combination of changes. You could also add a different soundtrack, or alter the speed or direction it’s being played at.

For example:

Option 1: A shrunken black and white image running backwards on the horizon with circus music in the background

often feels very different to a

Second option: A huge panoramic event with bright bold colours, a gospel choir and full orchestra playing as a soundtrack.

Each representation can have its place, I invite you to play with what difference it makes for you. You can be the director of any movies or pictures playing in your own head.

Love

Jen

This was originally posted on www.YourChangingDirection.com