General life improvement

The squirrel and the ducks

 in General life improvement  tagged assistance / business / business coach / business coaching / career coaching / coach / coaches / coaching / coaching content / coaching courses / coaching qualifications / coaching session / coaching skills / coaching techniques / ducks / executive coach / leadership coaching / life coach / life coaches / life coaching / marketing possibilites / performance coaching / personal development / resource / self-sufficiency / skills / squirrel

This was originally written in 2011 and shared via Coaching Confidence’s weekly email round up.

The squirrel and the ducks

This past week I took a short break. The place that we were staying was in a country setting. Woodland and a lake were all within the vicinity.

I happened to walk past a bird feeder hanging from a tree where a squirrel was busy helping itself to the nuts contained within. If you are familiar with squirrels then I suspect that this wouldn’t particularly surprise you – they are well known for using bird feeders as a source of food – even if they have to manoeuvre around complicated assault courses to be able to access them.

There was no assault courses with this particular bird feeder. There was however a group of ducks gathered below. I am not certain if the squirrel was deliberately feeding the ducks at the same time or if this was just a happy accident. One thing that did seem to be apparent – this was not an unusual occurrence and the ducks were quite happy to accept assistance from someone else.

I may be wrong but I didn’t see those ducks read any more into the situation than it was an opportunity they were not going to miss.

Sometimes, we cannot be as willing as those ducks to accept assistance or even see such opportunities that arise. We may have an idea in our own head that it is important to do everything all by ourselves.

I’ve seen that self-sufficiency manifest itself in coaches in all sorts of ways:

For example,

  • Missing the possibility of hiring someone who loves to do the business bits you hate/spend lots of your time doing. I’m not saying that you will never have to spend any time communicating or keeping track about what is happening with such tasks, just that the option is there to get assistance.
  • I’ve seen beliefs that in order to be a coach you had to be perfect, have all the answers and not require or want to use the services of a coach/mentor/other professional.
  • Choosing to “beat yourself up” and just “try harder” if you encounter a skill you’re not happy with rather than consider another alternative.
  • Ignoring/ not seeing marketing possibilities because you didn’t create them from scratch.

Today I invite you to consider the following question:

If it really didn’t mean anything about you, your skills or your business, what would be different if you took extra assistance?

Have a fantastic week

Love

Jen

What can you learn from climbing out of a 5th story window?

 in General life improvement  tagged coaches / coaching / commitment / difference / Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe / non-coach / obsticles / personal development / William H Murray

This was originally written in 2011, published in the weekly Coaching Confidence email update.

What can you learn from climbing out of a 5th story window?

I walked into a room recently where the TV was playing in the background. On the screen was a picture of a man climbing out of a 5th story window. Wearing climbing gear he was attached safely to a harness and rope. He was obviously nervous about taking those first steps and had an expert beside him to support him climb up the outside of the building.

Immediately after he had successfully leaned out and trusted the rope he made a comment that had me reaching for a pen and paper.

What was this comment? “It’s the moment of commitment that makes all the difference.” Something that in my experience is true not just in climbing and abseiling.

Perhaps you have seen it in your own coaching clients as well as yourself – that moment of commitment to a goal, project or dream. I know I have.

While there are several things and reasons that can get in the way of someone progressing with what they want, the act of commitment towards that can make a huge difference to how any other obstacles are tackled.

There is a quote, often miss-accredited to Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe, that sums up the impact that commitment can make:

“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, the providence moves too. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favour all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamt would have come his way.” (William H Murray)

Personally, I am currently committed to creating a specific training program. It’s something that I first had an idea for 2 years ago yet it was only when I made that commitment to turn all those many ideas into reality that it has begun to seriously take form.

This week I invite you to make a commitment to something that you want, either connected to you personal life or as a coach. If it will aid you to confirm that commitment feel free to share that with me by commenting below.

I am also prepared to offer complimentary From Non-coach to Coach Discovery sessions. I can only offer as many of these sessions as my schedule allows so these will be assigned on a first requested basis.

From Non-coach to Coach Discovery sessions are designed for individuals at the beginning of their coaching journey, if you are wanting to make a commitment to becoming a coach or starting your own coaching business then click here to find out more and to schedule your session before they all go.

Love

Jen

PS The link to book a complimentary From Non-Coach to Coach Discovery session is here

How perfect are you? 1

 in General life improvement

“By the time the wind has blown the weather vane around,

I’ll show you if I can,

No matter what the circumstances for one thing I’m renowned,

My character is spit spot spic and span,

I’m practically perfect in every way.”

(Practically Perfect from Disney’s Mary Poppins, music by George Stiles, lyrics by Anthony Drewe)

There are certain films that are regularly part of TV schedules during holiday periods. Yesterday was no exception as one of the classic bank holiday films appeared on the UK TV schedule – Mary Poppins.

It’s not just the fact that my expectations were met about what would be on the TV that prompted me to pen this today. While many may not actually follow Mary Poppins lead by describing themselves as “practically perfect” I do often see people place an unvoiced expectation upon themselves that they, and everything they do, should be perfect.

By perfect they normally mean that it should be “faultless.” Yet the origins of the word perfect actually comes from a Latin word to mean completed. Over 600 years ago the word was being used to mean “to bring to full development.”

If you were to look in the dictionary today, one of the definitions of perfect is still “complete, having all it’s essential qualities.”

These two different definitions can make a big difference to how someone experiences a project or their life in general. Now, if using the faultless definition is working for you then by all means keep doing it. However, the most common results I see with this is an increase in the amount of pressure and stress felt. It’s often used with the best of intentions as a motivating factor to produce your best work. It’s as if you would plan to do bad work if you were focusing on just completing a project!

I also see it as something that stops something from being created because it’s not immediately faultless. For example, a writer may constantly be deleting a paragraph of text and not getting any further because it isn’t faultless. Or someone learning a new skill doesn’t put it into practice as they are not yet faultless. Sometimes, there are steps that need to be taken before your best work can be achieved (ie when writing drafting something, followed by editing etc.)

This week I invite you to play with a situation where you have noticed that you are not making any progress.

What would need to happen for this to be completed?

What is the very next step for this to be closer to completion?

Have a week full of perfection

Love

Jen

This was originally posted on www.YourChangingDirection.com

Signals

 in confidence / General life improvement

As I sat down to write this post our latest rescued cat arrived in the room popped her 2 front paws on my knee with a distinct and determined mew. Now this is a new signal and not her normal – my dish is empty, I had to work out what it is that she wanted.

As I was listening to her signals and then interpreting them it reminded me of an often overlooked part of confidence.

The dictionary definition of confidence is

1. Firm trust

2. A feeling of certainty, self-reliance, boldness.

3. Something told confidentially

You’ll notice the inclusion of the word trust in that definition and something told confidentially. Would you be inclined to trust someone who didn’t listen when you told them something confidentially? Most people, when they really think about that, answers no.

How often do you really listen to what you really want? I’m not talking about listening to self criticism here, but actual inner signals? Not only is this integral to confidence but also knowing what it is that you want to take your life to the next level. Maybe it’s a feeling in your stomach when you’re tired and opt to stay out longer, maybe when you look back at a past relationship you had a feeling that it was over before it actually was.

It is not unusual for people to be used to ignoring these inner signals or over-riding them because you think that you “should” be doing something else. Generally the more that you listen to these authentic signals the easier it is to hear them and the clearer the messages will be. It is also far easier to trust ourselves if we listen to those inner signals.

This months exercise is based on a kenisology technique. I invite you to play with the following as a way to start listening to those inner signals and to grow your own trust in yourself.

We are going to set up a definite yes and no response for you to play with. A fellow trainer taught this during lunch a few months back to some of our delegates. One participant went down the desert menu asking herself for each item if she wanted that sweet. The pudding that came back with a yes signal surprised her and she said that she would never normal consider that option. However, she was up for playing with the concept and ordered it anyway. When the dish arrived it looked gorgeous and it was perfectly obvious by the look on her face as she tasted it she adored it!

This is not designed to be a deep therapeutic exercise so if you have any major life changing decisions to make please use your own judgement and use a lighter topic such as what you are going to pick for lunch.

  1. Lightly rub the tip of your finger over your thumbnail while mentally excitedly and confidently repeating, “Yes! Yes! Yes” to yourself.
  2. Stop
  3. Rub the tip of your finger over your thumbnail again, this time determinedly and confidently repeating “No! No! No!”
  4. Notice the difference between when you said “Yes!” and when you said “No!”

If you would like a stronger difference either

  • Mentally ask for a stronger signal and repeat steps 1 – 3 being even more enthusiastic with your Yes’s and No’s.
  • Change hands and use your other thumb and fingers to repeat steps 1 – 3.
  • Instead of rubbing your thumbnail rub the tip of your thumb and the tip of your finger together. Repeat steps 1 – 3.

Most people report that the no signal is “sticky” while the yes signal runs

smoother, however these are your signals so if you have something else then use yours

5. Test the signals you have set up with some easy questions that you definitely know if the answer is yes or no. For example, Is my name ( ) ?

If the signals are coming back confused then go back and repeat steps 1-4 again.

6. Once you are getting strong signals through pick something light hearted to play with – such as what to have for tea or which dvd to watch from a list.

Enjoy playing with this and listening to your own inner signals.

As always, feel free to share your comments on this message with me

Have a fantastic and confident week

Jen

Gifts

 in confidence / General life improvement

This week I go even further back in my back catalogue to a time when I sent monthly and not weekly messages.

“Be humble, for the worst thing in the world is of the same stuff as you; be confident, for the stars are of the same stuff as you.”

(Nicholai Velimirovic)

One of the definitions I like about confidence is being comfortable in your own skin. There are things that you are good at, and things which sometimes you may not shine as much doing. To me, it’s all part of being human, nobody is perfect (remember even supermodels are airbrushed in photos). The difference is that you don’t have to feel bad about the things you may not yet shine at.

So often people have accepted the bits that they do not shine at but are unwilling to recognise or accept that there are other things where they excel. I have lost count the number of times when somebody has told me something that seems amazing to me but they don’t see it as anything special. I was talking to someone recently who told me that they were able to talk two languages fluently which to me is a fantastic achievement. Somebody else who suddenly mentioned that they had wrote a book but didn’t think that was noteworthy, not to mention being told by a third person that they are “just” a parent. It was only when these individuals started paying attention and allowing themselves to consider the possibility that just because they found something easy it did not make it any less special.

This month I invite you to play with paying attention to where and when you shine, as well as when you don’t. You don’t have to do anything with this information – just notice what is different and what happens.

  1. Divide a piece of paper into 4 equal sections
  2. In the first section write all the things that you are terrible at. This could be a list that you are used to focusing on and that’s ok. Everyone has something that will go in this section – possibly because you’ve not chosen to spend any time perfecting it or because you really don’t like doing it in the first place 
  3. In the next section list things that you are OK at but you wouldn’t say that you are good at.
  4. In the third section list all the things that you are good at.
  5. Section 4 is the one where you write the things that you are brilliant at. What is it that you find so easy to do that you can’t understand why others don’t too? (like speaking 2 languages)

Be aware that this is your list nobody else has to read it unless you want them to.

6. Sometimes people’s self-perception of what is brilliant and good for a particular thing is different to how they would define and apply it to someone else. Quite frankly, on this exercise that’s cheating, so starting in the first section take one thing from on your list and ask yourself “if I was watching someone else do this, how would I know that they were OK at it?” and “What behaviours would I see or hear?”

So, if you had written “giving presentations” in the first section, a definition of being ok could be that no-one ran out of the room crying. As a speaker they may have stumbled over a few things, but they made it to the end without causing a major life-threatening crisis (obviously this is far more likely in some roles than others – hostage negotiation for example in comparison to just a small team meeting).

Having defined what OK in that area is, check how you behave in relation to that. You’ll get more out of playing with this if you are actually honest with yourself. A definition of humility that I like is that “humility is being willing to accept that things may be other than the way you think they are.” So just for the purposes of this exercise I ask that you are humble enough to consider that you may just be better then you initially thought.

7. Repeat step 6 for everything in your first section.

Move anything into the second section that needs to be moved.

Repeat steps 6 and 7 with each of the following sections. So take what is in your OK section and check to make sure it doesn’t actually live in the good section. Make sure that the good section hasn’t got hidden brilliance in there.

Re-read your lists and add anything else on as they come to you throughout the month.

Bonus Tip:

This month notice how you respond when someone gives you a compliment – do you say thank you or do you try and deflect the attention. “This top? Oh I’ve had it years”, “It’s just part of being a Mum”, “I’m used to doing that with work”. If you catch yourself doing the latter that’s ok, stop and just say thank you.

The Ghost of Christmas future

 in General life improvement

“As for your future, your task is not to foresee it, but to enable it.”

(Antoine de Saint-Exupery)

This is the third piece in a series of pieces inspired by the festive story of A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens. If you missed the first one you can read it again here and the second one can be found here.

The third and final Ghost to put in an appearance in the story is the Ghost of Christmas future, who perhaps would be more accurately named the Ghost of Christmas future that may be – though I’ll admit it doesn’t have quite the same ring! As Scrooge found out the future that he was shown was one possible outcome if he carried on taking the same action.

The end of the year is nearly upon us and many people use the New Year as a time to set New Years Resolutions, set goals for their future and evaluate what they would love to create in the year ahead.

Unless you are a clairvoyant then our perception of the future is all best guesses about the chances we believe something will happen based upon experience and the action to be taken.

And sometimes this can be an incredibly useful way of behaving, for example the chances are very high that you will burn yourself if you stick you hand on a hot stove. For the record, it’s something I personally recommend that you don’t do J

You may have noticed that how we imagine the future can have an impact upon what we do in the present. If you played with last weeks piece you may also be aware that sometimes we also place restrictions upon ourselves by the stories we tell about our future.

I don’t know if you have ever listened to the way that some people describe what they want in the future but the language they use and how they describe it to themselves can make a big difference to how easy they find taking action to make what they are describing a reality in their future.

Have you ever heard someone say a variation of “what I want is to get back to …”?

For example I want to get back to a size 12

I want to get back to sleeping 8 hours a night.

I want to get back the confidence I had 10 years ago.

Maybe you have your own version of something you want to get back to …

What I’ve noticed is that when people include that “get back to” in the description of what they want, the focus is upon the fact that they have lost it rather than the outcome. This may be an accurate description of what they are feeling. However, I do know that it is often easier to get the result you want by just tweaking the language you are using so that you loose the “get back” bit without loosing the result that you want.

For example, I want to get back to a size 12 becomes I want to be a size 12,

Or

I want to get back to sleeping 8 hours a night becomes I want to sleep 8 hours a night.

In both examples the focus has shifted to totally being upon the outcome that you want.

Sometimes as you tweak, it may be appropriate to add more specifics of what you want in the future.

For example, I want to get back the confidence I had 12 years ago can become I want to be feeling confident as I return to work.

This week as I know the festive period is often a busy one I invite you just to notice the language that you use and to play with the description of anything you want to “get back to”.

Next week I will stick to the theme of how we predict the future and get more specific about New Years Resolutions, goal setting and creating the year that you want.

I hope that you have a fantastic Christmas week

Love

Jen

This was originally posted on www.YourChangingDirection.com

The Ghost of Christmas present

 in General life improvement

“With the past, I have nothing to do; nor with the future. I love now.”

(Ralph Waldo Emerson)

This is the second in three pieces that uses the Ghosts that appear in Charles Dickens “A Christmas Carol” as inspiration. If you missed the first piece about the ghost of Christmas Past then you can still read it here.

The second of the Ghosts to visit Ebenezer Scrooge was the Ghost of Christmas Present, and I invite you this week to play with the concept of being in the present.

One of the dictionary definitions of the word ghost is “a duplicated image in a defected telescope or television picture.” Maybe you’ve had the experience of plucking up courage to do something or talk to someone and find that it really wasn’t as bad as you imagined. That is often because the image or story that we have projected about the future wasn’t particularly accurate.

I’ll talk more about the future in next weeks message but often you can scare yourself in the present with the story of what the future brings.

Maybe you’ve constructed an entire story around what will happen if you stand up in front of the group – it’ll be a story unique to you, but perhaps it includes the audience not liking your message, the throwing of rotten tomatoes and generally being forced to leave the country!

Or perhaps the story you’ve constructed about asking that person out is that they will say no and then mount an entire award winning international marketing campaign to advertise the fact they said no. 😉

Yes, I know that they are extreme examples but it’s the story told before hand that leads to comments such as “It was nowhere near as bad as I imagined” or “I don’t know what I was worried about” when someone actually goes and does the activity they were afraid of doing.

One of the cats that shares my home has set places around the house where he pauses and checks that there is nothing about to pounce on him around the next corner.

In reality the only thing that is likely to be ready to pounce is one of the other cats in a playful mood but he still checks before going on his way, presumably in case there are any assassins or cat eating animals in the present moment.

One day maybe he’ll decide that the check is no longer needed but he doesn’t let it keep him penned into one location, as he checks and then carries on his way.

This week I invite you to play with something that you’ve been putting off but the only thing that has stopped you is fear and we’re going to use similar checks that my cat does as he goes about his travels.

It probably goes without saying, but pick something to play with where there is no life threatening consequences – standing in the middle of the road as a speeding lorry heads in your direction is not the time to play!

Before you start “check in” with how you are feeling now, how you choose to do that is up to you. You may like to mentally physically do a scan to see how all your body is feeling; maybe you just want to ask yourself or perhaps you know to do something else.

If you find that there is any fear firstly you’ll probably find it helpful to remember to breath while playing with this – always something I encourage 😉 Generally slowing and deepening your breath can have a big impact on how you feel.

Having done that let’s play, at this very moment are there any life threatening assassins with you? At the present second is there any human eating animals that are physically going to pounce?

If the answer is yes to either question then my suggestion would be that you have other things to contend with other than playing with this! Most likely (unless there is a rash of assassins or lots of escaped man-eating animals I’m unaware off) you’ll find that at this present time you are actually quite safe and OK.

Take the next small step and again check if there are any life threatening assassins or man-eating animals in this moment?

Providing the present does not have that threat check your breathing and take the next small step. Now check if there is any assassins or man-eating animals.

Keep going taking small steps and checking if there is any physical danger in any given moment.

For example, Jane wanted to explain a new idea to a team at work but has previously kept quiet because the idea of talking to a group scared her. At the next meeting she remembered to breath but also checked if there were any assassins or man-eating animals in the room.

As the meeting agenda went on she kept checking if there were any assassins as each discussion point passed, until eventually the question “does anyone else have anything they want to add?” was asked. No assassins or man-eating animals so with a deep breathe Jane heard herself say “yes”. Still no assassins or man-eating animals so she went on to outline her idea.

In case you were wondering, the idea was liked and her line manager gave her some really positive feedback about how great it was to hear her contribute in the team meetings as Jane has such great ideas she can share. The world didn’t end, nobody threw rotten tomatoes and she didn’t have to hunt around for her passport because she was being forced to leave the country. 😉

Remember we are only playing so if it takes you a couple of attempts to get to any particular next step, as there are no assassins or man-eating animals about to pounce, just start again. For example, if you are playing with the concept of making a sales call maybe it takes you a couple of attempts to dial 10 numbers before you ring the final 11th and the phone starts to ring.

Have a week living in the present minus assassins and man-eating animals!

Love

Jen

This was originally posted on www.YourChangingDirection.com

The Ghosts of the past, present and future. 2

 in General life improvement

One of my favourite Christmas tales is Charles Dickens “A Christmas Carol”. If you have never come across the story before the general gist is that 3 ghosts visit the principal character. The ghost of Christmas past who shows Christmases that have been, the ghost of Christmas present who shows the current situation of others in the present. The final ghost is the ghost of Christmas future who shows what may happen and become in the future.

I was reminded the other day that this phenomenon is something that isn’t actually confined to the festive period. I’m not saying that at the stroke of a particular hour a ghost arrives in your bedroom to show you some particular event! But we can have the same effect in our own heads! Over the next 3 weeks I’m going to take the 3 ghosts as a loose theme for each of the pieces, starting today with the Ghost of Christmas Past.

The Ghost of Christmas Past.

“The one charm of the past is that it is the past.”

(Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray)

As we come into this festive season you have possibly already begun to see various TV channels put together trailers full of short clips of the various highlights of their shows. You may have already seen one that specialised in a particular genre of TV, maybe it was a series of clips featuring all comedy clips, highlighting drama or animated films.

Just like the ghost of Christmas past in A Christmas Carol shows Scrooge a series of clips from his past, it’s not unusual for us to do that for ourselves with our own memories. Sometimes we place more emphasis on certain clips more than others.

I was listening to an interview with a film actor recently who was saying that out of 100 reviews 99 of them may be superb and 1 may be more critical – yet it was the more critical one that he found that he focused upon. In effect, just like the TV channels, he had created his own trailer but just choose to include the “negative” clips.

Perhaps you have done this for yourself, blowing anything that you view as “negative” out of proportion and ignored other events. This week I invite you to play with something that will deliberately create your own imaginary trailers and see the difference that has for you.

I’m going to start by saying that if you are haunted by flashbacks etc of a traumatic incident or events then I encourage you to seek the help of a trained professional. Not because I think that it means anything negative about you, but because it is often easier to be able to take a step back from anything that had a strong negative emotional impact with someone else there as a guide.

Imagine that you are creating your own trailer (that can be as long as you want) featuring memories of happy times, fun times, when things have gone well, times when you have received compliments. If this is something you are not used to doing you may want to give yourself time and allow yourself to come up with your answers.

These are your clips and your trailer so it is stuff that is important to you, it’s not being judged by anyone else so include the clips that are relevant to you.

When you have several times, imagine putting them together in your own trailer – You get to choose if you want to imagine this running on a miniature TV, as a 360 degree 3D feature or something in between.

This is your creation so by all means play with the lighting and the different shots you include, are these ones from your point of view or one from someone else’s?

You may have noticed that these trailers come with specially created soundtracks to accompany them. So what soundtrack do you want to include in your trailer – you can always play with the balance of the track(s) that you want to include.

Maybe you want a big power ballad or gospel choir. Perhaps there is a tune that every time you hear it always makes you feel really good.

Keep playing with what you include and how you choose to present this to yourself and notice how different it feels. Remember that you can play with this anytime that you want or need to 🙂

Bonus Tip

Extend this trailer to include even more important aspects of your life.

If you feel that includes the occasional “bump in the road” then by all means include that and this time you get to choose how much “air time” you want to give it and if you want to make it appear more important than other aspects. Do you really want to give 1 “negative” review more airtime than the other 99?

For example, is one occasion when a presentation didn’t go as well as you wanted it to as important as the birth of your children?

Have a week enjoying being the director of your own trailers 🙂

Love

Jen

This was originally posted on www.YourChangingDirection.com