Coaching Quote of the Day 6th November 2011
“If all the year were playing holidays.
To sport would be tedious as to work
But when they seldom come, they wish’d – for come.”
(Prince Henry in William Shakespeare’s, King Henry IV, first part, 1, ii )
Yearly Archives: 2011
Coaching Quote of the Day 5th November 2011
“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.”
(Ambrose Redmoon)
You Are Not Their Friend, You Are Their Coach!
In this week’s guest post Frederique Murphy shares her expertise and shares her advice to coaches.
You Are Not Their Friend, You Are Their Coach!
And before, you start shouting at me (!) in front of your screen, let me add, “During sessions”.
This is something that comes up often in my work with coaches, and I thought it would be a great topic to guest blog about, for Jen at Coaching Confidence.
So, here it goes: During sessions, you are not their friend, you are their coach.
And, before reading any further, take a few seconds to check in internally and become fully aware of what comes up for you, as clarity and consciousness always help us more forward. Whatever is coming up is good, and are things for you to be aware of, so that you can do something about it.
When it comes to roles, it is important to lay out some boundaries, and to stick to these; let’s take a look at the various scenarios and roles.
Life -context, as in, outside sessions = can you and your client be friends?
Yes AND No
The choice is up to you, it is a personal choice; and, it will probably depend on the client too, I think this is a grey area with no straight answer; in the end, it is entirely your choice. You may be comfortable being friends outside, or you may not; it is up to you to decide on your terms; you decide on your role or roles, and as a result, on the relationships you are having with the people surrounding you.
Business -context, as in, during sessions = can you and your client be friends?
Yes, you can, BUT…
I believe that bringing in the friendship has consequences. And, I base my answer on the following scenarios, and it is not an exhaustive list.
I truly believe that during sessions, you as the coach, definitely need to put your coach hat on, and leave outside the friend one, as this is what your client has signed up for.
As a coach, you want to be objective and neutral as this is what your client needs from you; as a friend, sometimes, you would leave the objectivity at the door as this is not what your friend needs.
As a coach, you want to be able to say the things that your clients needs to hear, no matter how uncomfortable it might be for them; as a friend, sometimes, you simply want to be there for them, as this is what your friend needs.
As a coach, you want to interrupt the patterns you are noticing in your clients, even if that means to interrupt them verbally; as a friend, sometimes, you want to lend a listening ear, as this is what your friend needs.
As a coach, you want the best for your client and are ready to push the buttons that need pushing; as a friend, sometimes, you will not say what you have in mind as you want to be liked, and you will fear hurting their feelings.
As a coach, you want to hold your client accountable to what they told you they would do, and will not accept any excuses; as a friend, sometimes, you will be there and accept the excuses as this is what your friend needs.
As a coach, you want to be there for your client, and that means leaving your own “stuff” at the door; as a friend, sometimes, you will not be able to be there, as you have your own stuff to deal with.
As a coach, you want to challenge and stretch your client, and it might mean “pushing” them to greatest heights, as you are there to help them be at their best; as a friend, sometimes, you will settle for their wins, it is not your job to stretch them.
As a coach, you want to be there for your client when they open up, and share their dreams, doubts, fears, and deepest insecurities; as a friend, sometimes, you will not hear what your friend is trying to tell you, or see what is going on in their mind, and you will not be able to help them push through the blocks and make it all happen.
In the end, you will do what you want… But, something very clear is that, as a coach, you owe your client to do your utmost to guide them to be at their best, to guide them to reach their goals, and to guide them to fulfil their outcomes. And doing though, will require you to step in, fully, in your coach role, with the right intent, that, you will do whatever is necessary for that relationship to work.
Be clear, have boundaries, set expectations, and always and first, have your client’s outcome at heart.
About the Author/Further Resources
Frederique Murphy is a business mindset strategist, who founded her business to focus on her passion: transformation! Thanks to her Mountain Moving Mindset programme, Frederique empowers business owners, entrepreneurs, and corporate executives to master their mindset, so that they can move mountains and bring their life and their business to a whole new level! She shares her M3 Power through her coaching and mentoring packages, her published books & articles, her award-winning blog and newsletters, and her unique live events. For more information on Frederique’s transformational range of products and services, visit FrederiqueMurphy.com, get your free M3 Power, and start climbing now!
Coaching Quote of the Day 3rd November 2011
“Enjoyment appears at the boundary between boredom and anxiety, when the challenges are just balanced with the person’s capacity to act.”
(Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi)
Coaches Scary Coaching Stories
So Monday was October 31st, otherwise known as Halloween. A day associated with fancy dress, trick or treating and scary stories and films. Perhaps not a day you associate much with coaching!
One thing I’ve noticed with clients and myself, over the years, is that we can be exceptionally good at scaring ourselves – we can create all sorts of horror movies and stories within our own heads.
Sometimes the plot can be aided by others contributions either personally or via the media etc but even those who may not consider themselves creative or imaginative can do a great job of scaring themselves out of taking the next step towards what they want.
One of the things as coaches we can do is to provide an external set of eyes and ears to a situation so it can be easy to spot when a client is making up their own personalised version of “nightmare on Elm Street.”
However, even as a coach, whilst we may have moments of insight and spot if we are doing it personally, it’s not always as easy when you are engrossed in a story we are making up ourselves.
At some stage we’ve probably all seen a TV show or film with a scene normally on a dark and stormy night where the lone hero goes off to investigate a strange noise! You’ve probably also had a thought at that moment along the lines of “You don’t want to do that.”
The outcome of that particular action will normally depend entirely upon what sort of TV show or film the script writers set out to create – if it’s a horror or crime show then the noise is quite possibly a mass murderer. If it’s a show about rescued animals then the noise is far more likely to be a lost cat.
When we are engrossed in the story it can be easy to be directed into the response that the scriptwriters were pointing us. Yet if something distracts us momentarily we may spot various inconsistencies that may suggest other possibilities.
You may have your own personal version of a story you tell yourself that spooks you into not taking action.
Perhaps as you gain more experience you may tell yourself that you are just not ready yet to take that next step, even when offers are right in front of you. Maybe you even compare yourself with other coaches, mentors and trainers you have encountered over time and concluded that you are not yet at their standard.
I can often see coaches getting stuck focusing upon negative thoughts such as:
- “Am I good enough?”
- “Why would anyone want me as a coach?”
And
- “No-one would pay me that much to coach them.”
At first glance these questions and thoughts may appear reasonable. Yet the question can spook so much that the coach may not actually answer the question that is so scary.
They either freeze and not take any more action or try and distract themselves by “just” doing something else rather than addressing the question and providing an honest answer.
For instance, I have found an increasing number of individuals who have undertaken and successfully completed a coaching training yet have not taken any further steps to use those skills and knowledge with “real people.” When questioned fear often plays a part for their inaction.
Personally, I feel that it is a real waste to have invested all that time and energy to develop such skills and knowledge. I also think it’s a huge waste of potential – just imagine the difference skilled and knowledgeable coaches can make to other people.
I’ve recently designed a new program called “Start coaching ‘real people’ in 90 days” to provide support for those who really want to coach yet have found it too scary to coach a “real person”.
I invite you to consider one of the questions I had in mind for participants when designing the coaching program:
What if you didn’t scare yourself out of your potential?
What would be your very next step that you’d take?
Love
Jen
P.S The link to find out more about “Start Coaching ‘Real People’ in 90 Days” is www.StartCoachingRealPeople.com
Coaching Quote of the Day 2nd November 2011
“Intelligence is something we were born with. Thinking is a skill that must be learnt.”
(Edward de Bono)
Today’s post may contain themes of peril
“The best way to find out where you are from is find out where you are going and work backwards.”
(The 4th Doctor, played by Tom Baker from the Doctor Who TV story “City of Death”)
I happened to watch an episode of a “classic” sci-fi TV show recently. Although I didn’t recall seeing this particular story before, it was from a series I’d seen as a child and remembered that it could be quite scary to my eight-year-old self. In fact, a warning that “the following program contains themes of peril” preceded the recent TV airing I saw!
As I watched I found myself laughing at certain points I’d have considered just a little scary as a child. After all, time’s moved on and as an adult I now have a different perspective and knowledge.
The passing of time and things which once seemed important, stressful and perilous becoming inconsequential is not something that just applies to childhood television shows. There’s no doubt occasions you can think of from your past that appeared important at the time, that once some time had passed you can’t recall why that seemed like such a big deal.
This week I invite you to play with that concept to make a difference in the present.
1. Pick something to play with, which when you think about it at the moment seems like it’s a big deal. Maybe it’s a situation that appears stressful, draining or perilous!
The next stages involve playing with imagining things so don’t pick to do that when it is safer for your focus to be elsewhere – for instance when you are driving a car!
2. As I started by talking about a sci-fi program, imagine that you time travelled 2 months into the future – so that it is now January 2012. Look back on the situation that you thought of as big. Notice, now 2 months further on how you think about it now.
3. Once you’ve done that time travel a bit further so that you are two years into the future and it is now 2013. As you look back to November 2011 and that thing that you thought was big, notice how you look at it now with the benefit of 2 years extra experience and knowledge.
4. You obviously have got the hang of the time travelling because you have now travelled 10 years into the future, to the year 2021. Look back at 10 years ago, to the situation that seemed so important then and become aware of how important it is now in 2021.
5. Before we finish our time travelling, visit your “twilight years”, surrounded by loving family and friends, look back at that event, all that time ago. How significant is it to you now? With all that time that’s passed what advice or comment would you have given that younger you back in 2011?
6. When you’ve finished travel back to November 2011, bringing back any and all the valuable and useful information you gained by travelling through time.
7. Some people find that wiggling their fingers and toes, blowing raspberries and/or generally stretching is an ideal way to end a time travelling experience and making sure they are fully back in the present 🙂
8. Now you are back in November 2011, and armed with the benefit of the perspective of the future, you may become aware that the situation you choose to play with is now different. You may even have inspiration of what your next step could be when previously you were stuck.
Have a week with time travelling adventures and decreasing perils.
Love
Jen
This was originally posted on www.YourChangingDirection.com
Coaching Quote of the Day 1st November 2011
“It is a mistake to look to far ahead. Only one link in the chain of destiny can be handled at a time.”
(Winston Churchill)