Monthly Archives: June 2011

Coaching curiosity …

 in Coaching

If I had to write a recipe to create a great coach, an important ingredient in there would be curiosity. For me, it’s a fundamental aspect of how I approach coaching.

Now, if you have ever looked online etc to track down a recipe you may have noticed that it is very common for there to be lots of slight variations of the ingredients and methods about creating the same dish. Each difference will have impact to some degree upon the outcome of the meal, however it still produces a meal that is (hopefully) recognisable to others.

I’ll let you decide for yourself how much further you can take this analogy as I want to use the rest of this post to focus upon curiosity. If, for whatever reason, curiosity is not an aspect of your coaching than I reaffirm that this is my own personal opinion. If your way is working for you and your clients then I suggest that is the important aspect.

As curiosity is one of those words that could mean slightly different things to different people, let’s begin by defining just one meaning. For the purposes of this post, I’m going to use the following dictionary definition:

Curiosity: noun 1. A desire to find out and know things.

2. Something that is of interest because it is rare or unusual

Let me talk about both parts of that definition:

“A desire to find out and know things”,

This seems, to me, a natural part of being coach. After all two fundamental coaching skills are questioning and listening which, to me, are two behaviours that are easily connected with a desire to find out and know things.

“Something that is of interest because it is rare or unusual.”

The second part of the dictionary definition is one that particularly appeals to me as it ties in with some of my other beliefs about coaching. I personally operate from a position that my coaching is in response to the person in front of me – When I’m working one to one, it’s not a one size fit’s all.

When I coach I work with a belief in my client – a belief in the capacity within them that they are to be more than they thought they are capable of. Often, particularly when we first begin to work together, they don’t yet have that belief for themselves but believe that there is something special, something that is of interest because it is rare.

The word curiosity actually originates from late 14th century Old French with a meaning of “careful attention to detail.” As a coach we often are able to detect a particular detail that is keeping our client stuck – it may be a limiting belief, a misunderstanding or an assumption etc. However, because we are paying careful attention we can ask those questions or set a particular exercise that makes all the difference.

So I’m curious, is curiosity part of your coaching?

Can you tell what I’m thinking?

 in General life improvement

“Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
(Eleanor Roosevelt)

Imagine the following scenario:

You are out in a social setting with a group of friends and acquaintances. As you arrive there is someone you hardly know getting a round of drinks and they ask you what you want. When you reply, they answer, “Oh you won’t like that” and get you something else instead.

There’s a jukebox in the corner and for some reason you end up there choosing the music to be played next – that same person comes up looks at what you are selecting says “Oh you won’t like that” and chooses something else for you.

There’s a similar story when it comes to choosing something to eat – you have selected something from the menu and this same person says what is becoming increasingly familiar “Oh you won’t like that!”

What would your reaction be? Do you take kindly to someone telling you your business and what you’ll like, particularly someone you hardly know?

Granted that person may turn out to be right, when you try the food it may not be to your liking, but their comment is based upon their own experience rather than knowing your tastes.

Yet I come across so many people who don’t give a second thought for making up complete strangers minds for them.

You may be reading this and wondering where and with whom I am hanging out to encounter such behaviour and to be fair it’s not that I encounter lots of people when I’m out telling me what I should be eating and drinking etc. I do see and hear it in other contexts though …

Maybe you’ve heard others, perhaps even yourself, say something like:
“If they really knew me they wouldn’t like me”,
“I won’t apply for that job as I already know they won’t say yes”
or “I couldn’t possibly talk to that person, they are far too attractive to actually want to talk to me!”

So often people imagine what another person will say or how they will react based on nothing more than their own opinions rather than letting the other person decide using their own taste. They will choose not to apply for a job because they have decided that they will not be given the role. They will not cross a room to talk to the gorgeous stranger because in their heads they’ve already decided what that stranger likes and its not them.

Now the act of mind reading and predicting what the other person is thinking in itself is not the thing that causes a problem for many people. The problem comes with what they then do with that mind read – first they normally listen to it and treat it as a far more important piece of information than any other thought or piece of information. Then they take action based solely on that thought – which may or may not be true.

This week I invite you to let another person make up their own minds and don’t do it for them.

If at any time you catch yourself doing a spot of mind reading, congratulate yourself for spotting that in the first place. Then tell yourself that yes they may – or they may not.

Have an enjoyable week with less mind-reading 🙂

Love

Jen

This was originally posted on www.YourChangingDirection.com