Lorraine Hirst


To Be OK, or Not to Be OK, is that the question?

In this week’s guest post Lorraine Hirst shares some of her experience, thoughts and knowledge as she shares on the topic of mental health.

"To Be OK, or Not to Be OK, is that the question?" A guest post by Lorraine Hirst

To Be OK, or Not to Be OK, is that the question?

By Lorraine Hirst

In a new part time role, developing support for young carers in Oxfordshire, and in my freelance work with individuals and teams, I have found myself using and referring to Transactional Analysis theories and tools all the time.

As with all the best learning, if it has been effectively ‘taught’ then it is ‘in the muscle’ and I, we, need only refer to the base theory for clarification. That’s the difference between reading something in a book (many trainers and coaches use TA they have learned from a book) and having become a Transactional Analyst (or certainly on the way to becoming one) via a substantial amount of high quality learning.

At the time, this training was hard work, giving up weekends (three-days ones!), turning down social activities and leaving my son for long days in Oxford city. Looking back from where I am now, it was worth it, along with the monetary cost.

As a participant on a short mental health in young people course right now, I am acutely aware of the difference between training and coaching that will have lasting impact, and that which merely ‘tells’ and ‘informs’.

A Transactional Analysis model:

transactional analysis OK corral

Ernst (1971) OK Corral, the grid to get on with, Transactional Analysis Journal, 1(4), pp 231-240 Colours added by Anita Mountain and quoted in “Working Together; Organizational Transactional Analysis and Business Performance”, pages 9-28, by A. Mountain and C. Davidson, published by Gower in 2011

I would be in an ‘I’m OK, they’re not OK’ position if I was too damning of this recent training, so I am simply comparing the different learning experiences and wishing more were like my TA and previous NLP training, that way everyone would learn in a relational and lasting way. A real Learning Utopia, there’s a wish…!

Anyhow, what exactly did I learn about mental health that may be of use to other coaches, especially those working with young people? Firstly, blending my previous TA experience and the recent mental health training, I would say, ‘it’s OK to not be OK.’

Mental health issues affect 1 in 4 of us. One of the participants on the course gave us a surprising statistic, in that this figure rises to 1 in 3 of those who go to university and 1 in 2 of those at Oxbridge. I suggest that these statistics tell us something about our results-driven Education system and it’s effect on mental well-being, although my husband was erring more towards the notion of ‘genius being closer to madness!’ I’m not subscribing to that theory myself.

Another fact is that suicide is the second most common cause of death in the 15-24 age bracket in the UK. Of course, it’s not OK to be suicidal, this is the extreme of not being OK, in TA terms. We may know all the risk factors that may lead to this position for a young person, economic disadvantage, abuse or poor home life, poor academic performance, but also stress, bullying and discrimination are factors.

Much of the time, as coaches with parents and young people, we may not be able to do anything about the socio-economic or environmental factors for a young person (but I have know situations where moving school can bring great positive changes for some children, where bullying has been a problem, for instance. Having said this, I would warn some parents against ‘over-protecting’ their child, i.e. moving them repeatedly whenever there is an issue at a new school).

What we can do is be mindful of all the risk factors and at the same time build inner resilience in that child, as well as support parents and teachers with these tools.

Something else to be mindful of is that the psychological effects of early puberty in boys generally results in higher self esteem, whereas this has a negative impact on girls at the same stage. Later in puberty, boys tend to have lowered self-esteem and girls level out. This is only a guide but interesting nevertheless.

My recent research into peer pressure suggests that it is not only puberty and biological changes that are going on, but also huge psychological changes, including the heightened ‘thrill-seeking’ effect and great desire to ‘fit in’ and ‘to belong’ (belonging to other groups, not necessarily the nuclear family). At the same time, the executive functioning, the planning part of the brain, is not yet fully-functional. All this combined, means that teenagers are going through a lot and anyone who has of this age will tell you, it can be tough, on everyone.

Although it’s the biggie, it is not only suicide that affects the young, there’s depression, anxiety, self-harm, eating disorders and other issues also deemed ‘disorders’. I don’t like this term at all but this is the mental health lingo – meanwhile they wax lyrical about young people wanting to avoid the stigma and about professionals reducing the impact of labelling!!

So, when is a mental health issue a problem?

When it is impacting on someone’s life (and I would say when it is impacting on the lives of others, say in the case of parental mental health). Therefore, self-harm, in the form of controlled cutting, may not be a problem to a young person, although it may encompass some risks. It is of course a way of coping and it would be more helpful if that young person found some different strategies for dealing with their emotions.

This brings me to the Mental Health First Aid approach. It’s a bit like regular first aid, but for mental health. For this, the wonderful term, ALGEE (pronounced like the stuff that lives in the sea), is used. It stands for:

  • Ask, assess, act,
  • Listen non-judgementally,
  • Give reassurance and information,
  • Enable the young person to get appropriate professional help,
  • Encourage self help strategies.

For most coaches, this approach may be similar to how you work anyway, especially the last ‘E‘. At the same time, it does ‘no harm’, in every sense, to have another model in mind, especially one where the metaphor of green slimy stuff is hard to forget!

My intention in the post is to give others the confidence that helping young people with mental health issues, or indeed anyone with a diagnosed mental health issue, is not rocket science or to be feared. This is not the same as people with mental wellness or poor emotional well-being. As the training noted, someone can have a diagnosis of a mental health problem, such as post-traumatic stress or depression, and have good mental well-being and, conversely, not everyone is experiencing prolonged emotional distress has a diagnosed mental health condition, thankfully.

I hope these terms and ideas have been useful. Here’s to helping people with OK-ness, whether that be slightly not OK or really not very OK at all. Above all, it’s a person’s own choice whether how they are is OK for them or not. Not dissimilar to emotional coaching, the ALGEE steps can guide younger clients towards a more resourceful way of thinking and hopefully a brighter tomorrow. If only we could do the same for the UK weather!

About the Author

Lorraine is passionate about resilience as a key component in a child’s mental toolbox and as a prerequisite to achievement, whatever that might be for that child. Lorraine delivers emotional resilience-building programmes, known as Way2be.me, in schools and runs workshops for parents and teams. She also works with other creative practitioners to deliver peer mentoring, after-school and holiday clubs, transition projects and targeted programmes for children who are at risk of not meeting their potential or those who need a confidence boost.

Being an emotionally resilient parent, carer or educator is vitally important. Therefore, Lorraine also offers emotional wellbeing sessions for school staff, including school leadership teams. She is has an interest in group theory and context, and works a lot with families and teams where the emphasis is not only on the individual but on the dynamics of the whole group or the effect of the culture within which they are operating.

You can find Lorraine at her website www.way2be.me, or via Linked In.


Helicopters, wacky warehouses and self-stroking! 1

In today’s guest post Lorraine Hirst, who coaches about emotional resilience, shares her experience and knowledge.

"Helicopters, wacky warehouses and self-stroking" A guest post by Lorraine Hirst

Helicopters, wacky warehouses and self-stroking!

by Lorraine Hirst

And so begins the countdown to Chris… to Chris…I can’t even write the word! Safe to say that it’s often a busy time of year, especially for parents, and it just gets busier.

My personal challenge (and perhaps yours too) is to stay calm, not become overwhelmed, plan ahead and find a place in my mind that can handle work and all the other stuff that happens at this time of year. As the general manager (GDB some might say) of my own business and my home, there’s a lot to handle, as well as managing other roles, namely wife, mum, daughter and friend, etc, etc.

My work is coaching families, kids and professionals with emotional resilience and, like everyone, I have days where my resilience is low, especially those days/weeks when everything you plan gets messed up and side-walled and a few other grenades get thrown in to make life just that bit more unpredictable…!

So what have I learned that is going to help me stay present, sane and move forward with all aspects of life and that you might find helpful, too? Well, the clue’s in the title (and self-stroking in this context is not dodgy or anything to do with shades of any grey, I promise – or perhaps I should say, sorry to those who were expecting something juicy..!). A word of warning though, these ideas are based on my Transactional Analysis (TA) training, coaching families, personal experience and one ‘wacky’ dream!

1. Getting in the helicopter

I’m not talking here about ‘helicopter parenting’, as this form of over or pushy parenting has, possibly quite rightly, a bad name. I’m talking here about taking the meta-perspective. Some people actually imagine themselves in a helicopter, going up and viewing the terrain. Mine is more of a sturdy air-balloon basket, but it’s whatever helps to give you a view or sense of something from a higher level. Ah, but it’s good to be ‘grounded’ more of the time, I hear myself saying. I think of it as an ‘out of body’ experience, without getting too spiritual about it. That is, I give myself permission to take another view, to observe, to listen and to check out what else is going on; to notice what am I thinking and what emotion, thought or reaction is this situation eliciting in me? It’s a kind of in-the-moment reflection.

Personally, I love the feeling of my balloon basket (with power steering and X-box-style controls) and I like the view, so it’s certainly a calm place to be and there’s loads of learning in what I notice from this position. This can be useful in both client work and for everyday situations – and mine even takes passengers!

2. Finding your way around (or out of) the warehouse

Whether your nightmare or scary imaginary space is a warehouse, maze, wood or somewhere else, there is something about trusting that you can find your way and not being afraid to ask for help. My dream was about being lost in a warehouse. What did I say to myself or do? I got in a vehicle that could go up and down (I think the correct name for this in a warehouse is a llop but it became my balloon basket later…) so that I could see above all the high aisles and boxes, find the windows and driveways to other rooms – and other worlds where I found help, support and my own power or potency.

Sticking with the metaphor, as dreams are our window to the sub-conscious, I had only to see the way forward and then I was magically transported to where I wanted to go (bit like teleportation). My suggestion here is that when we think we are lost, there is another way if we expand our ‘frame of reference’ and we need only observe ‘what is’ and this will, in turn, create a metaphorical space for change to occur. We are not required to jump to ‘fixing’ or to finding a solution straight away. If we do, we miss out the vital stage of sitting with or understanding the significance of what is.

3. Applying different strokes

Strokes are a TA concept. They are the recognition, attention or responsiveness that one person gives to another. As humans we hunger for recognition and depending on the types or frequency of the strokes we get as children, this will create the type and volume of strokes we crave as adults. We may also distort strokes from others to fit with the ones we are used to, along the spectrum from positive, mixed to negative strokes. In other words someone could begin giving us a really positive stroke, without any ulterior meaning, such as, ‘That colour really suits you’, and, if we are used to lots of mixed strokes (the most complex and confusing kinds!), we might receive this as, ‘Wow, you look a lot better today than you usually look!’

Strokes affect and create what we think of as our self-esteem. Low self-esteem is often an issue for many of the children I work with, and may be the case for your some of your coachees. My point here is not to think about how we can help clients, although this could be the net effect, but to think about our own ‘stroke quotient’ and how we can get or give ourselves stokes that keep us topped up in times of pressure or when work is a bit slow.

Affirmations, body work, a good giggle with friends, reading your CV, writing down compliments, all of these can boost our self-esteem, which helps with our ability to be confident and ultimately deal with what life brings us, in fact it helps us to not only survive but to enjoy the ride! This is a must for parents, especially at this time of year, I reckon. Moreover, children will have healthy stroke quotients and good self-esteem. I’m sure a few managers and team leaders would benefit from thinking about the stroke culture in their teams, too.

Before I end this piece, I must credit Rosemary Napper – TAWorks, Jean I Clarke and of course Eric Berne, the godfather of TA, for inspiring this piece and probably having some effect on my wacky dreams!

Happy Helicoptering!

Lorraine Hirst

Way2be.me – Founder and emotional resilience coach and trainer

About the Authors

Lorraine HirstLorraine is passionate about resilience as a key component in a child’s mental toolbox and as a prerequisite to achievement, whatever that might be for that child. Lorraine delivers emotional resilience-building programmes, known as Way2be.me, in schools and runs workshops for parents and teams. She also works with other creative practitioners to deliver peer mentoring, after-school and holiday clubs, transition projects and targeted programmes for children who are at risk of not meeting their potential or those who need a confidence boost.

Being an emotionally resilient parent, carer or educator is vitally important. Therefore, Lorraine also offers emotional wellbeing sessions for school staff, including school leadership teams. She is has an interest in group theory and context, and works a lot with families and teams where the emphasis is not only on the individual but on the dynamics of the whole group or the effect of the culture within which they are operating.

You can find Lorraine at her website www.way2be.me, or via Linked In.

Helicopter Image © Maa-illustrations | Stock Free Images & Dreamstime Stock Photos


Blue Monday – What Colour Will Your’s Be?

Coach and trainer Lorraine Hirst shares her thoughts and expertise in this weeks guest post. Will this be most useful for you or your clients?

Blue Monday – What Colour Will Your’s Be?

by Lorraine Hirst, Resilience Coach and Trainer

According to psychologists (which ones, I’m not sure), the third Monday in January, is ‘Blue Monday’, the most depressing day of the year. This year it is 16th January 2012.

Depressing news, along with a double-dip recession, post-Christmas credit card bills, an over-indulged body, winter colds and, moreover, a definite sense of, ‘the party is over, back to school feeling.’

Despite this, and other things, I’m currently feeling quite buoyant and refreshed. I’m sure this is, in part, to do with the fact that I had a fabulous extended party/social time over New Year, with lots of laughter and great company. You know, the kind of friends that remind you of your younger days when every evening is a social gathering, rude jokes abound and the banter doesn’t stop until 2am.

Of course, it’s not Monday 16th yet! Will the grey clouds and negative thoughts overwhelm me, and all of us, that day? If you and I are feeling OK now, is this just the quiet before the storm?

Perhaps my ‘Blue Monday’ came early? I’ve already experienced the sluggish, detox and slightly low feeling of shifting from this turbo-charged social whirl back to routine, three sensible meals, no alcohol and domestic blisters. I combatted this last weekend by going for long walks in the winter sunshine, whether or not my family wanted to join me. One day, this resulted in my getting lost in the local fields, as light was fading and the sound of unleashed dogs seemed to be getting closer and I was left wondering if my phone had an app for a torch and what assertive behaviour I could adopt if one of those hounds did get close!

I also decided to not worry about the need for a renewed effort and hard work for my new venture, supporting associates to deliver resilience-building programmes with children and in schools. I told myself, I would ease myself gently back into my office chair on Monday, assuming my bottom could still fit in it (it did, fortunately) and would take things steadily from there. Besides, the actual ‘back to school’ project for my son had already begun and we are surviving that fairly well – so far. Again, if we go with the ‘Blue Monday’ theory, perhaps this is just part of the early January honeymoon period?

There are possibly several reasons for my up-beat mood, in addition to the positive effects of laughter, sparkling wine, a great bunch of people to work and train with and a general lack of ‘To Dos’, until this week. One key one for me, has been getting well after a period of Labrynthitis, which is an inner ear condition, causing dizziness and nausea, and, no, it was not as a result of the bubbly! This condition does have you feeling giddy but is definitely not fun. Exercise, driving, reading and other things involving coordination were off the menu but as this lifted before Christmas, even if the Christmas cards and endless wrapping are real chores for me, I was free to enjoy the festivities to the full, and I don’t feel that I’m paying for it now. Apart from getting a new attack of the dizzies whilst running my associate training yesterday, which is wearing off gradually, it’s a case of ‘so far, so good’.

There are loads of websites with tips on how to tackle this January low period. Many are focused on healthy eating, exercise and positive thinking, so what can I offer in addition? For starters my suggestion for warding off the winter or ‘Blue Monday’ blues includes getting some laughter – from friends, from TV, from books, from your kids, from anywhere you can. Laugh loud and long. Laugh until you cry (as long as the crying isn’t too hysterical!). Laughter releases tension, puts us in ‘neutral’ emotionally and lifts us. Even better if you can laugh at yourself. I’m a great believer in this in terms of its helping to promote resilience and well-being.

In terms of food, I go for the Serotonin-rich foods (the ‘happy’ hormone) – pineapple, bananas, chicken, especially turkey (no wonder Jamaicans are so cheerful) and, my favourite, dark chocolate. For the real health fanatics, Flaxseed oil and coconut oil are rich in Omega fats, which are also good. Apparently, proteins contain tryptophan, a large amino acid that converts to serotonin in the brain but you need a bit of carbohydrate with it in order for it to be converted to the happy hormone (an argument against the ‘no carbs’ approach, which quite frankly makes me feel really deprived. No wonder!)

Typically, our often failed New Year’s Resolutions compound the Blue Monday phenomenon, so how do you and I beat this headline? Life coach, Fiona Harrold suggests that you ‘focus on the changes you want to bring about from a balanced and optimistic perspective’. For someone who finds ‘balance’ quite a challenge, I’m doing quite well. Apart from the odd lapse, I’m practising this skill, as I can’t help others with achieving balance, if I’m not walking the walk, right? Having the Labrynthitis has been a physical manifestation of my mental lack of balance, quite literally not enabling me to walk the walk, and perhaps the reason it’s there, lurking in the crystals in my ears, is so it can come back and bite me when I’m not maintaining a semblance of balance in my life! In terms of self-coaching, I’m moving away from something I don’t want towards something I do want, that being more of a ‘yes’ feeling, every day. That’s the idea anyway.

Setting lots of goals can be overwhelming and unrealistic. Instead, focusing on what’s important, being grateful for the little things, meditating and giving and receiving love in the form of hugs or massage (or whatever form takes your fancy!) can be beneficial. The reason for the physical stuff is that oxytocin is the feel-good, ‘cuddle hormone’. (I remember having some on the maternity ward but it didn’t have that effect then!) And let’s not forget the power of music or art. New Order did release the song, ‘Blue Monday’ in 1983, which is quite a bouncy tune for this now, less-positive phenomenon, unless you listen to the words of course.

For me, there has to be a focus on my business this year, therefore there are project goals to set, but I’m determined that this aspect of life will be enjoyable, otherwise, why am I doing it? This year, I’m tempering my usual manic enthusiasm with ‘rational optimism’ and setting some goals that will be nourishing, such as getting some singing lessons (if you’ve heard me, you’ll be glad about this) and exploring some mind and body approaches that will further help me stay ‘balanced’ and have a sense of all-round (and hopefully a bit less ‘round’) well-being. I feel good just writing this last sentence. Well, they do say that you only need to think about exercise for it to have a physical effect.

If you need statistics, according to a recent study, 23 Surprising Effective Treatments for Depression (measured over a full year), art therapy, music therapy, mindful mediation and massage were the top four best treatments.

So, whatever your circumstances, may your Monday 16th be full of laughter, abundance, gratitude, friends, hugs, music and, of course, for the girls, a small amount of dark chocolate! Most of all may it be green, purple, orange (I’m told by an artist friend that orange is a calming, happy colour!) or ANY colour other than the one beginning with ‘b’ and ending in ‘e’, and please, please let it not be ‘beige’ either.

About the Author/Further Resources

Lorraine is passionate about resilience as a key component in a child’s mental toolbox and emotional resilience as a prerequisite to being a good learner. Lorraine runs her own resilience-building programmes, known as Way2be programmes, in schools and other settings, including early years and workshops for parents and setting staff, writes and runs a private coaching practice.Emotional resilience and emotional intelligence are elements of a ‘growth mindset’ which is about improving, being an adventurous learner and viewing mistakes as useful learning. Lorraine also works with other creative practitioners to deliver peer mentoring, after-school and holiday clubs, transition projects and targeted programmes for children who are at risk of not meeting their potential or lacking in confidence or self-esteem as an underlying issue. The Way2be programmes help children to understand themselves, their strengths, think in a more flexible and resourceful way, care for others, and thereby become more confident learners and social beings, coping better with the ups and downs of childhood and life.

Lorraine also runs stress management workshops for teachers, inset for school staff on building resilience in pupils and parent workshops. With a Masters Degree in the Policy and Management of Care Services and having worked in Children’s Services and Education for over 15 years with various early intervention projects and strategic work under her belt, Lorraine started forging her own consultancy business a few years ago. In the last two or three years, this developed into the focus on resilience.Lorraine uses NLP, Transactional Analysis, humour and other approaches develop programmes to suit the needs of different groups of children, schools or parents around resilience and self-esteem. Her strategic experience also allows Lorraine to be involved in projects that reduce the external risk factors for children and to support schools and other clients in increasing the external preventative factors for children and young people, such as hobbies, interests, links with the local community, thereby enhancing resilience in terms of the context for that child or young person.

You can find Lorraine at her website www.way2be.me, or via Linked In.