Jan 27 2012

Relationship Drama

Category: Guest PostThis is a post by a Guest Author @ 6:30 am

In this week’s guest post Karen Wise shares a personal experience. How familiar is this for you and/or your clients?

Relationship Drama

by Karen Wise

My friend Rose called the other night. The conversation started like this:

“Karen, I really need to speak to you – I need your advice”

And then she started to whisper

“The thing is, I’ve been having an affair, and I don’t love my husband any more, and I just don’t know what to do”.

Rose and I have been friends for twenty years and she’s been with her husband for almost as long. She was one of my bridesmaids and both our kids were born weeks within each other. Rose has also lurched from life crisis to life crisis for the last two decades.

What I realised some time ago, is that Rose and I each have a role within, what psychologists call, the Drama Triangle (see diagramme below). Rose is always the “victim” with a crisis and I’m always there to rescue her.

Quite often we have more than one Drama Triangle in our lives, and with each one we’re playing a different role. With my husband, I have to admit, I frequently play the “Persecutor”. We can also find ourselves playing roles from the Drama Triangle at work, particularly during times of stress, when tight deadlines need to be met or mistakes have been made.

Most of the time, the Drama Triangle is useful in helping us manage day-to-day interactions. It might feel uncomfortable in the moment, but that tension makes either us or the other party shift their position to lead to a better outcome.

However, there are times when playing out the Drama Triangle isn’t helpful and could border on destructive. The negative behaviours can lead to a breakdown in trust, confidence and ultimately relationships.

If you find yourself in a Drama Triangle you have a choice. You can choose to step out of whatever role you’re playing. Don’t run away from the drama, but take a different approach to that of either a rescuer, persecutor or victim.

As I love my friend Rose, I’ve agreed to go out dinner this weekend to talk it all through with her. She has a major life decision to make, which won’t just affect her – but her husband and her two kids. I will help her through the most recent drama as for now, our relationship remains healthy and I’m happy to play the rescuer once again.

About the Author/Further Resources

Karen Wise, MCIPD is an Organisational Development Consultant and Coaching Psychologist, with over 12 years’ experience of working in Human Resources roles up to and including Director level within the NHS in the UK. Karen now runs her own consultancy and coaching business, with a particular interest in outplacement coaching. She has recently been awarded an MSc in Coaching Psychology from the University of East London. You can follow Karen on twitter (karenwise) and read her weekly blog on working in HR in the NHS at www.karenwise.wordpress.co

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Jul 08 2011

5 Tips when starting a new job

Category: Guest PostThis is a post by a Guest Author @ 6:30 am

In this week’s guest post Karen Wise shares her expertise as an Organisational Development Consultant and Coaching Psychologist about starting a new job.

5 Tips when starting a new job

By Karen Wise

Starting a new job is never easy. There’s lots of “new” things – new colleagues, new environment, new boss, and generally new ways of doing things.

But how often do you think about the fact that You are the “new” person? Whilst you’re on a massive learning curve about your new organisation and role, the people around you are also learning about who you are, how you think, your behaviours and responses to the every-day things that occur in the office.

It’s just as important that they learn the right things about you as you are inducted into the organisation.

Because of the nature of my work I’m always the “new” person – so I have developed a few techniques to help me. Below are a few tips to think about when you next start a new job and how to make the most of it:

1) Pictures of Family & Friends.

Most workplaces allow you to bring in personal items such as photos of your family, your friends. I often bring in a recent picture that my kids have drawn and I find that it’s a great ice-breaker. Asking someone about these pictures is an easy way to start a conversation with new colleagues and a way to get to know them better beyond the job they do.

2) What are you good at?

It may be that you’ve able to manage difficult conversations with irate customers; or you’re able to touch-type at 90+ wpm. Find opportunities within the first few days of starting your new job to demonstrate this skill.

3) Give positive feedback:

In the first few weeks you’ll come across a lot of new and different things. If you see, hear or learn about something that you find interesting – tell them. If you like the way that someone does something – tell them. People like getting feedback when it’s compliment and it also highlights to them about what you like or enjoy too.

4) “The Test”.

It’s very likely that in the first few days or you’ll be given a particularly important job or task to do. View this as “The Test”. Think carefully about what’s required; ask questions if you need to clarify your understanding of what’s required; put extra effort in to ensure that you do this job to the highest standard possible; and make sure you do it within the required timeframe.

5) Lastly, believe in yourself.

Always remember that you were recruited to the post because your boss believed that you could do the job. You will probably have many doubts within the first few days or weeks about whether or not you’re good enough. When you have these thoughts just stop. And remember. You were recruited because you have the potential to do really well in this job. Believe in yourself.

About the Author/Further Resources

Karen Wise, MCIPD is an Organisational Development Consultant and Coaching Psychologist, with over 12 years’ experience of working in Human Resources roles up to and including Director level within the NHS in the UK. Karen now runs her own consultancy and coaching business, with a particular interest in outplacement coaching. She is also currently undertaking a Masters Degree in Coaching Psychology at the University of East London. You can follow Karen on twitter (karenwise) and read her weekly blog on working in HR in the NHS at www.karenwise.wordpress.com

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Jan 14 2011

Is there a public misperception about coaching?

Category: Guest PostThis is a post by a Guest Author @ 6:30 am

In this weeks guest post Karen Wise shares her views about the public perception of coaching. She also invites you to participate in a survey to gain your views.

Is there a public misperception about coaching?

By Karen Wise

Over the last year, I have found myself having a similar conversation with my friends, relatives and clients: “What is coaching?”

Before you all start shouting the answer, I want you to stop and think…….

Because I have been on a journey to explore what people understand about coaching, and the answer is not that obvious. Every coach I know can readily give you a definition of what coaching is, but can Joe Public?

My research has led me to understand that there are 10 definitions that are widely recognised and used by professional bodies and organisations. And as coaching professionals, we’re encouraged to develop our own definition of coaching that represents the “way we do it”.

And then what happens in a session? How long is it? Is it face-to-face, over the telephone or via email? How often do you meet your coaches?

Again, I can already hear a thousand different answers. And surely all these different ways of being coached is confusing for potential coachees?

We are working in a growing industry which is unregulated. In order to find our place in the market, we develop our “niche”. And whilst this generates clients and income, does it actually contribute to a public misperception of what coaching really is?

I feel that it’s more important than ever that the coaching industry becomes regulated so that we can start giving out consistent, positive messages about the profession: coaching can so powerful, enabling and rewarding for both the coach and coachee when it’s done well. Perhaps it’s already too late, and the current level of diversification has diluted our profession to a point from which we cannot recover. I hope not.

So I continue on my journey and I am currently undertaking a piece of research on this topic. If you’re interested in contributing to my research, please click on the link below which will take you to a survey. It will only take 5 minutes to complete and your responses will be completely anonymous.

http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/GTGNTZK

About the Author/Further Resources

Karen Wise, MCIPD is an Organisational Development Consultant and Coaching Psychologist, with over 12 years’ experience of working in Human Resources roles up to and including Director level within the NHS in the UK. Karen now runs her own consultancy and coaching business, with a particular interest in outplacement coaching. She is also currently undertaking a Masters Degree in Coaching Psychology at the University of East London. You can follow Karen on twitter (karenwise) and read her weekly blog on working in HR in the NHS at www.karenwise.wordpress.com

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