Feb 27 2012

The self-publicising cat

Category: General life improvement — Jen Waller @ 6:30 am

This was originally published as a bonus article in the Coaching Confidence weekly email during October 2011. To start getting your very own copy each week enter your details under “Don’t miss a thing!” to the right of this page.

The self-publicising cat

One of our cats appears to have developed a love for self-publicity and telling us what she is doing. When she goes for a drink she’ll meow to tell us she’s going, when she’s finished having a drink she’ll meow again.

As I sat down to write this message there was a meow from behind me – apparently to tell me that she had entered the room and now intended to curl up in comfort.

She is very considerate in sharing what she is doing and if she knows we are already watching, and already know what she is doing, she keeps quiet.

The vet says she is very healthy so it really does seem to be her way of attracting our attention, and sometimes getting our assistance so she gets what she wants – which in her case is usually a fuss or rearranging the bedding so it’s comfier!

Now, before you get any ideas that I’m about to suggest that you to take the example of the cat and squeal every time you enter a room, relax! By all means if that’s the approach that you want to take feel free however there is less extreme approaches you can use – or not use, as you see fit!

Last year I attended a training event where there was a mix of businesses represented. The organisers had purposefully included a section of the day to “network”. I got chatting to someone in the queue for lunch prior to the allotted time for networking.

He was busy sharing that he already knew that there was no point him staying to “network.” He only worked with large multinational companies in certain industries. From an exercise earlier in the day he knew that no one currently worked for a company that size and in the industries he wanted.

As it happened later that day I was talking to someone who had previously worked at a multi-national level in the very industry this gentleman would have loved to have connected with. I looked around to introduce the gentleman I had been talking to at lunch there was no sign of him. Presumably, because he knew there was nobody there directly doing what he’d wanted, he’d already gone home!

Does that mean that if that gentleman had stayed and met this second person a connection would certainly have happened? Well I’m certainly no psychic, so who knows what may have happened. I do know that it’s statistically more likely to have happened if that gentleman had stayed and then asked!

It appeared that the gentleman who missed making this new potential connection had ignored the fact, that we may have a friend, family member, former colleague etc who fitted his description.

This week I invite you to think about a goal/project that you are currently working towards/would like.

  • How many people know what you are doing/want to do?

And as a bonus follow-up question:

  • How many people have you shared how they can assist you with your goal/project?

Have a week full of questions, sharing and invites,

Love

Jen

About the Author

Jen WallerJen Waller is on a mission to support, nurture and encourage coaching skills and talents from non-coach to coach and beyond.

She has created a free 7 day e-course about how to create your own unique coaching welcome pack that works for you and your clients. Get your copy here.

 

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Feb 22 2012

Coaching and motivating clients, part two

Category: Coaching — Jen Waller @ 6:30 am

This is the second of two coaching posts with some pointers if you get “stuck” motivating a client.

Last week’s coaching post “Coaching and motivating clients, part one” talked about who was asking about motivation, asked what motivation means and assisting your client to tap into their natural desire.

Notice the impact of your words

Often as a coach, when the question of motivation comes up, you are looking for your client to take some action. Aid that physical movement by adding a sense of “movement” and momentum in the language you use in your conversation and questions.

My high school English teacher would no doubt shake his head in despair at the following but this is not a post designed to give linguistic labels and detailed explanations.

This section is not only here to get you to move once, it’s here to get you moving.

Adding “ing” to a word often gives a greater sense of movement and momentum so can assist your client to find answers and actions that will help them to turn that momentum into reality.

For example, you can get different answers and responses to using the word “motivated” compared to “motivating.”

Commitment and accountability

Inviting your client to make a commitment and the accountability that this brings can make it much easier for a client to complete a task. You may even argue that it can make it less easy for them to put it off until tomorrow and it never getting done.

Sure, depending on your client, they may still put it off to the last minute and only do it in the immediate hours before your next session but that is still likely to be more than they had done before.

Personally I like to invite clients to agree a specific time and drop me an email between sessions to confirm that they have taken that action. It has been known for specific clients to request that if I don’t hear from them to chase them up with my own email.

I’m aware that not every coach will be willing to offer that as an option. This works for me because of the way I structure my coaching practice as I have built in priority email contact for clients in my coaching packages.

I’m also comfortable providing that accountability as I always phrase it as an invitation, giving the option for the client to decline. This means that the extra accountability is the clients by their own choice.

Just do it

Sometimes, some clients will get so caught up in wanting to explore the why and thinking there is something deeply wrong with them. In reality all that has happened is that they haven’t made taking that action a priority. They have done something else in the time that they could have done this action.

Now there may, or may not, have been good reason to have prioritised something else instead. Regardless of the “cause” the reality is still the same the action/task is still to be completed.

Question for the coach: What would have to happen to make completing this a priority for this client?

Sometimes a really effective strategy can be to get the client to complete a task right then and there. This will obviously depend upon the client, the situation and what they wanted to get from the session.

For example, if they wanted to get motivation to make an appointment they had been putting off, invite them to make the call during the session.

You may not think of this as “traditional” coaching but it moves the client forward quickly and your client will not be concerned that you assisted them using something that isn’t likely to be in “coaching 101”.

Homework

This doesn’t mean overwhelm them with action steps as this can lead to them stopping again. It does mean that you can use “homework” to assist your client to get momentum going by taking the next step once they have started.

Some clients will find taking a huge leap easier than just a small step so consider this when choosing/discussing homework, if any, for your client.
Questions to consider: “What is a really easy next step to take?”
“What would be a fun next step to take?”

Challenge your client

If you have a client who has committed to take action, you’ve done everything you can think of to facilitate that and yet they repeatedly have not taken that action, there is probably something else going on. Don’t be afraid to share what you have observed.

Your role is there to assist them to get value from your work together however it’s a two way relationship, they can’t just be passive. For some clients, in some instances, challenging your client can provide the avenue that your client needs to share what is going on for them.

Sometimes it can reveal an obstacle that for some reason your client hasn’t shared with you.

On other occasions (usually in situations when they are not paying for the coaching themselves) they may not see the value of coaching. For example, in a business when they have been told they “have” to attend your coaching session. This can give you the opportunity to have a conversation about the value they want to get and explore how you can go about providing that.

Note:

I’m also going to mention at this stage that I personally believe that not every single client is going to be a perfect fit for every single coach – and vica-versa. Also sometimes coaching may not be the ideal solution for a particular client at a particular time.

If you and your client decide that you’ve gone as far as you can with your coaching together that does not automatically mean that you are a terrible coach and should beat yourself up about it. Just like I’d say that there it does not mean that there is anything “wrong” with your client.  I suggest you learn what you can from working together and then move on.

These are just some of the things you could do and consider – what else would you add?

About the Author

Jen WallerJen Waller is on a mission to support, nurture and encourage coaching skills and talents from non-coach to coach and beyond.

She has created a free 7 day e-course about how to create your own unique coaching welcome pack that works for you and your clients. Get your copy here.

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Feb 15 2012

Coaching and motivating clients, part one

Category: Coaching — Jen Waller @ 6:30 am

Last week’s coaching post was “What do you do if you get “stuck” in a coaching session?” This week I want to start to talk about a specific situation that may generate that feeling of being stuck – how to motivate a client.

Today’s post is in direct response to a request for “Statements to help motivate the client.” For reason’s I’ll explain in a moment I’m going to expand upon that request with the aim of providing some useful ways to move forward if you find yourself “stuck” and maybe even avoid it in the first place.

Even with just mentioning a few pointers, there is lots to be said so I am posting part one today with part 2 next Wednesday.

Over time you will develop your own coaching style, you will probably already have certain beliefs about what is a role of a coach. I reserve the right to be flexible about the roles that I take during a coaching session but one of the ones I personally often think of myself as is as a facilitator, or if you prefer a catalyst.

Which is why rather than just give a specific couple of questions or statements that you could learn like a script and recite I want to assist you to be able to produce your own and make a difference with each of your individual clients.

Is the client asking for help with motivation?

I ask not because I’m questioning your judgement as a coach, I ask because motivation is one of those things that can mean slightly different things to different people. It’s not like you can nip down to your local supermarket and buy a tin of motivation.

It’s so much easier for you as a coach to provide a service that delivers what your client is looking for, if you have a conversation about what that means to your client.

Question you may ask your client: “How will you know when this is motivating?”

As a coach, what are you looking to achieve by motivating your client?

I know that this can seem like an obvious question but there is a certain logic behind me asking this. Sometimes if you are stuck it can be because you are asking yourself a less than useful question. If “how can I motivate this client?” isn’t throwing up any useful answers let’s ask a different question – knowing what you want to achieve can open up a whole new range of questions for both you and your client.

Often coaches are looking for a way to assist a client to take action towards their goal. One way is to select a step that is really easy to take to get them started taking action – this is particularly useful if they are imaging a huge overwhelming task. For example, which appears easier – writing one chapter or a whole book?

Making the task seem more manageable can lead to your client taking action easily.

Look to add “fun” into the action – make it more pleasant to do. If a client is imagining that the next step will be as much fun as having a limb amputated with a blunt saw and no anaesthetic then they are not likely to be as keen to rush out and take action. If there is an enjoyment factor then it will be much easier for them to start taking action.

Questions that may be relevant to ask a client: “What would be an easy step to take?”

“How can that be even more fun?”

Assist your client to tap into their natural desire

Sometimes a client can get caught up in small detail and miss or lose sight of what they want to achieve. Assist your client by reconnecting them with that motivation so that they naturally have a desire to take action and move forward.

You may choose to ask them direct questions or use guided imagery about their final goal or completing the next stage. Remember that using a description that uses all senses will assist your client to envision something that is easier to connect with.

This is always easier if the “goal” you are working with is something that your client actually wants. Notice if you actually believe what your client is saying.

If you ever hear and see someone talk about something that they genuinely want and desire, there is a light in their eye and sound in their voice. If you are not hearing and seeing that you have the option to explore in more depth.

Next week we will talk about things such as the impact of words and commitment. Meanwhile if you want to share your own advice, or to ask questions feel free to do so below.

Read part two here.

About the Author

Jen WallerJen Waller is on a mission to support, nurture and encourage coaching skills and talents from non-coach to coach and beyond.

She has created a free 7 day e-course about how to create your own unique coaching welcome pack that works for you and your clients. Get your copy here.

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Feb 08 2012

What do you do if you get “stuck” in a coaching session?

Category: Coaching — Jen Waller @ 6:30 am

I often see or hear those new to coaching either ask directly or voice a fear about not knowing what to do if they get “stuck” in a coaching session.

For the purposes of this post I’m going to interpret “stuck” as having no idea what to do next. If this is a fear that you experience then let me share with you that you will probably find that the more coaching experience you get, the more techniques, strategies and skills you’ll gain making the prospect of getting stuck less and less likely.

To get you started (or to add to what you have already) I’ve included 7 pointers below.

  1. Breathe!

It certainly doesn’t help the client if you get caught up in your own head with any thoughts going at a thousand miles per hour or start to panic about what you’ll do next. So firstly take a breath and allow yourself to relax.

As you return your full focus to your client you may notice that your client may also benefit from taking a moment to slow down their thoughts and also take some time “out” to breathe.

  1. Listen

With your full focus upon your client pay full attention to what they are saying, the words that they are actually using and not any interpretation you may have added. There can sometimes be clues in the language that they use that when you incorporate into a question can produce powerful responses. Because these questions are “tailored made” for the client you won’t find them written down in any coaching course material.

Also notice how someone says something, for example if they are telling you about something they say they really want yet they don’t “come alive” when they talk about it use it as a signal to explore more about what they are not saying.

  1. Are you clear with what your client wants to get from the session?

If you feel that your coaching session is heading in an aimless direction, it can be worth checking that you (and your client) are clear about what is the goal for the session.

Once you have that clarity ask yourself, and even your client, what will move them closer to achieving that session goal.

  1. What is getting in your clients way?

Have you identified what’s stopping your client from moving forward? You don’t need to have shared this with your client if it’s not appropriate but if you can see the perceived “problem” then it is easier to identify a line of questioning/activity that will move through, around or over what is stopping them.

Sometimes it can be as simple as asking them to take action during the session – if they’ve been putting of making an appointment to give a presentation you’ve established they are more than prepared for – pass them the phone and invite them to do it then and there. If the issue is more than not having prioritised making that appointment it’s likely to highlight what is getting in their way so you can identify the next step.

  1. For your client to see something as a problem, what must a client believe to be true?

Sometimes what can cause a coach to be “stuck” is because a client is telling them about something they think of as a problem, yet the coach doesn’t perceive that as an issue so struggles to find an effective next step.

It can be worth asking yourself what a client must believe is true for that to appear a problem to them.

It can also be worth checking that this is actually a problem for them – sometimes a client will have “heard” and answered a different question to the one you actually asked. So it could be that the reason you can’t imagine how this is a problem is because it isn’t a problem! (I’ve written previously about clients answering a different question to the one asked here.)

  1. What question can I ask that will make the biggest difference right now?

You may not have an idea of the question that’s going to make the biggest difference right now but what about your client? “What question can I ask that will make the biggest difference right now?” firstly allows the client to dictate the direction of the session.

You’ll find that the slight change in asking them to think in a form of a question can be an additional stepping stone to leading to an answer that provides a big insight for the client. It can also be an indication for you as a coach the story that your client is telling themself about this situation.

  1. Do something different

If what you are doing isn’t working then try a different approach.

Perhaps you may want to ask your client to physically move, take the coaching conversation on the move by going for a walk, or just by swapping seats. In the right circumstances this can all be enough to be a catalyst for a new perspective.

Maybe you may want to introduce a “coaching exercise” that involves writing/drawing on paper instead of working mainly talking. Alternatively, you may have a “technique” from a different and complimenting “discipline” that you can put into practice.

By doing something different you will move the coaching session into a new place, one where it can be easier to see the next step towards that session goal.

These are just 7 pointers, what else would you add?

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Feb 01 2012

How do you help set a goal for the coaching session?

Category: Coaching — Jen Waller @ 6:30 am

One of the reoccurring questions that I see and hear from those who are beginning to develop their coaching skills is based on the problem of struggling to pin-point a goal for a session.

A common response from more experienced coaches can be a variation of “yes that’s something I remember experiencing and it’s something that gets easier with practice.” Whilst I agree, it is something that gets easier when you practice, let me also give some pointers for that practice :)

Firstly, what expectations does your client have about what happens in a coaching session? If you want them to set the direction of the coaching how did you explain that when you both agreed to work together?

If you find that it is a common theme with all your clients struggling to pin point a goal for the session you may want to consider how you are describing coaching and your work.

What could you do so that it was even clearer what a client can do to be prepared before a session? Is there any additional guidance you could give so that it is even easier for them to get the most from your work together?

Perhaps you would like to encourage your clients to consider how they would know it has been a great session? A client often concludes for themselves that this is connected with what they wanted to get from each session (or the goal.) The answer to this question can also be used to form a question using their own language if they come to a session without a “goal” decided.

For example, imagine that Bob is a client who has told you that he will know that it was a good session if he left it feeling relaxed and focused. You could utilise that language in a question to clarify a “session goal” ie what would need to happen in this coaching session for you the leave feeling relaxed and focused?

Perhaps you want to include the use of a coaching preparation form in a format that works for you and your clients. This pre-session exercise can give people time to consider and get into the habit of deciding what they want to get from each session.

I said earlier that I often hear experienced coaches say that identifying a session goal gets easier with practice. Another aspect that can influence how a client “turns up” prepared for the session is their commitment and the value they see from your work together.

I know it’s possible that you are reading this and thinking you are not yet ready to charge for your coaching but I encourage you to consider what you could do to encourage commitment from the people you are coaching right from the start.

What else would you add to how you can help a client set a goal for the coaching session?

 

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Dec 16 2011

Coaching Quote of the Day 16th December 2011

Category: quote — Jen Waller @ 5:28 am

“Reach high, for stars lie hidden in your soul. Dream deep, for every dream precedes the goal.”

(Pamela Vaull Starr)

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Dec 02 2011

Which should we choose: Client or Coaching?

Category: Guest Post — This is a post by a Guest Author @ 6:30 am

In this week’s guest post coach Sandro da Silva addresses the question that many coaches will ponder at some stage as they develop their coaching skills, experience and business.

Which should we choose: Client or Coaching?

by Sandro da Silva

In my article “A Butterfly Goes to a Coach” (posted on my own blog, click here to read it) I tried to make the boundaries between consultancy, mentoring, counseling, coaching and therapy more clear. That article has received a considerable amount of feedback so far, and has triggered some very interesting discussions and good questions.

One of those good questions is whether remaining loyal to such boundaries actually is the best for the Client. Since the Client is paramount in the coaching relationship, shouldn’t we Coaches choose to give the Client what he/she needs if the Client (or the moment) asks us to? Or should we refuse that (explicit or implicit) request and choose to stay within the boundaries of our profession? Which should we choose: the Client or Coaching?

Those of us who decide at certain moments to choose for the Client say that:

Our ultimate task as Coaches is to help the Client achieve his/her goal. There are times in which assuming a different role – that of a consultant, for example – is more beneficial to the Client and also a more efficient way of accomplishing that ultimate task.

More directive approaches from the Coach are legitimate when they are taken with the Client and his/her goal in mind. Therefore, offering explicit advice or telling the Client exactly what to do, solving a problem themselves or providing the answer the Client can’t find, leading the Client to a different perspective or way of thinking are all justified if they seem to be the best for the Client.

Those of us who choose to remain loyal to the boundaries of our profession still agree that the Client is paramount, and that it is our ultimate goal to help the Client achieve his/her goal. However,

Not only are they committed to the achievement of the Client’s goals, but these coaches also seem to commit themselves to the long term development of the Client;

They believe that letting the Client find his/her own answers fosters learning, growth, independence, responsibility, pro-activity, creativity, reliability, constructiveness and trust.

They claim that a more non-directive approach still helps the Client achieve his/her goal, and also empowers them with new (or better awakened) skills and confidence to do that again on his/her own.

I myself am part of the second group, because beyond helping my clients achieve their goals, I want to fulfill my Mission. That Mission is to use my talents and help create an environment in which a person can experience warmth, respect, empathy and UPR, challenge and support, so that he/she feels free to express themselves, their needs, doubts, fears, wishes and dreams. An environment which motivates a person to reflect, create, take responsibility and act. I believe such conditions, together with the questions I ask and the feedback I give, foster development and growth, and help people flourish, release their potential and get the most out of themselves.

Choosing for the Client would mean that I am not congruent with my Mission, with my Values, with myself. It would mean that all I say I do and believe is actually a Lie. I don’t mean to say that I am right and that every coach has to do what I do. All I mean is that I can’t do otherwise.

I understand it seems like I choose for Coaching and not for the Client, but deep inside I know I choose for the Client and not for myself.

What about you? To which extent do you identify with this dilemma? How do you deal with it? Your feedback, opinion and experience are welcome.

About the author

Sandro da Silva is a Dutch business and life coach who from time to time shares his experiences with coaching in his own blog. He starts his days by reading, selecting and tweeting his favorite articles about leadership, management, business, change, diversity, development and start-ups. A different selection of articles, targeted at executives and the C-suite, is posted everyday on his LinkedIn page. He talks to his life coaching audience via his Facebook page.

 

You can read more about him on his website (translation in progress) or contact him by filling out this form.

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Nov 07 2011

Coaching Quote of the Day 7th November 2011

Category: quote — Jen Waller @ 5:15 am

“Man is a goal-seeking animal. His life only has meaning if he is reaching out and striving for his goals.”

(Aristotle)

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