Ever wondered why you feel pain when you don’t meet a goal? or Why you feel good when you do? or Why you feel so good when you reach more? Beyond the rationality of these 3 scenarios, and of course understanding why you would feel pain when not reaching something or feel good when reaching it, there is an actual neuroscientific explanation to what is going on.
When any of these 3 things happen – and you know that these happen all the times, both to you and your clients, in your life, career, business – your brain releases or withdraws dopamine. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter, produced in the brain, primarily involved in motivation and reward. When it releases dopamine, you feel good; when it withdraws it, you feel pain. The more your brain releases dopamine, the more you want to keep going and experience it over and over again.
When it comes to you or your clients not meeting, meeting or exceeding something, dopamine plays a huge role. And, all 3 scenarios are linked to the same one thing: EXPECTATIONS.
Expectations are what we think, or hope, is most likely to happen, and whether or not we realise it, we actually have expectations about everything. Let’s break down these 3 scenarios and see what happen when….
…your or your coachee’s expectations aren’t met: you or they experience a fall of dopamine; it feels painful,
…your or your coachee’s expectations are met: you or they experience a boost of dopamine; it feels good,
…your or your coachee’s expectations are exceeded: you or they experience a super boost of dopamine; it feels super good.
As coaches, I believe that the gap between unconscious expectations and conscious expectations is where our potential lies. Work with your clients to help them become aware of their unconscious expectations; this will help them manage their expectations better, and in turn they’ll gain a better control of their dopamine releases throughout the day, thus increasing their motivation.
How will you use this knowledge to better manage your expectations? And, your clients’ ones? I’d love for you to share; this will be helpful for the other coaches. Comment below!
About Frederique Murphy
Specialising in Inspirational Leadership, Frederique Murphy is a mindset strategist who inspires leaders to believe and accomplish the extraordinary. With her Mountain Moving Mindset (M3) platform, she equips you with scientifically-based strategies to take your life, career and business to a whole new level: she makes change happen. With over 15 years of experience in corporate change and expertise in positive psychology, neuroscience and behaviour change, she helps your organisation reap the benefits of tapping into the power of the mind. Frederique is a passionate and charismatic speaker, who captivates audiences – when she takes to the stage, sparks fly and beliefs, attitudes and behaviours will be instilled to create lasting change. For more information on Frederique’s transformational services, visit FrederiqueMurphy.com.
I asked my friend who is a very close personal friend of Paul McKenna’s the secret of Paul’s success. He responded ‘Paul is not at all arrogant, but aside from a passion to help others, he has loads of self – confidence, high self -esteem and stacks of self – belief. That’s the secret behind his success, no question!’
Confident coaches are regular women/men with flaws, shortcomings and defects. Every-one experience’s challenges and bad days, however when you have self- confidence, high self –esteem and oodles of self- belief you do not allow anything to hold you back. Not everyone wants to become a high profile coach or a New York Times best -selling author or a world famous leader, but confident coaches become a leader in their own world. Confidence is an essential component to create a healthy relationship with yourself and in turn that inspires and motivates clients to do the same.
All that is fed into your subconscious mind between the ages of 0 to 5 is done so without your consent or knowledge which means that we internalise everything as true, and record this as our own assessment of ourselves. Unfortunately for many of us we were fed negativity from an early age and consequently end up listening to and believing our inner critic, which feeds us lies and tells us that we are not important.
They consider themselves important.
Confident coaches respect themselves and do so from looking inside at their shortcomings, rather than denying them. They are aware that by feeling important, they are behaving authentically and respecting their values instead of compromising them to gain external validation from their clients, peers and colleagues.
Focus on their positive characteristics.
Tell themselves they are perfectly imperfect.
Cherish and honour their principles.
Respect their own needs and wants.
Advertise their strengths, not their weaknesses.
They speak to themselves with kindness.
Confident coaches praise and acknowledge themselves; they are cool about their imperfections. They are aware that if they are unkind to themselves, they will subconsciously attract others to be unkind to them.
Are aware of their triggers, beliefs and habits and reframe them.
Are patient with themselves
Record every success – whatever size in their mind or in a success journal.
Repeat over and over again ‘I am worthy’.
Let go of the compulsive need for approval.
They are comfortable with being authentic.
Confident coaches have self-acceptance. They embrace themselves as they are regardless of mistakes or their weaknesses. They do not believe they will be rejected if they reveal their true self, they know only too well no one bids for a fake, the real deal is always more valuable.
Make amends to themselves.
Understand fake is last season.
Appreciate, validate, accept, respect, cherish, like and honour themselves regardless of how others treat them.
Believe self – acceptance is the key.
Know that all that glisters is not gold and therefore don’t waste time comparing and despairing.
They trust themselves and their intuition.
Confident coaches are their own master and are always best friends with their inner voice. They are comfortable being in charge of what they think, do and say, as they trust themselves. They know their intellectual mind is strong, yet their intuition is way wiser and far more accurate and they have learnt that the aim of their intuition is to get past their intellect.
Feel aligned with their purpose.
Practise self-discipline and focus.
Understand the difference between logic, feelings and intuition.
ALWAYS listen to their inner voice.
Constantly challenge all negative assumptions.
They keep their expectations high.
Confident coaches know persistence and self-belief is the main pillar of success. Confident people have indestructible self-belief. They feel worthy of success, happiness, prosperity and a thriving coaching business.
Know they have to change their perceptions to change their life.
Are crystal clear about their individuality and preferences.
Are not discouraged or disheartened by rejections.
Let go of self-defeating beliefs about what might happen in the future.
Say over and over again ‘I am good enough.’
They take responsibility for their own lives.
Confident coaches know they have a choice to face and everything and run or face everything head on, to be stressed, or be grounded, be lazy or be fit, be overweight, or be slim, get enough sleep, or be constantly tired, respond or react. They know that in order to be emotionally sober they have to be accountable for their life and understand self-responsibility is the foundation of empowerment.
Own up when they are wrong
Set boundaries with others.
Know self-care is not selfish, it is self-loving.
Don’t wait to be rescued, instead they take action.
Are aware they have a constant responsibility to be good to themselves.
They are assertive
Confident coaches feel comfortable expressing how they feel. They do not waffle, or feel obliged to justify, defend or explain their reasoning. They know their rights, feel worthy, important and deserving. They are willing to be open and to compromise, as they don’t expect to get their own way every time. They have an ‘I like you, but I like me too’ approach. They face the other person, look them in the eye, and are aware of the power of the spoken word so they use words like ‘could’ ‘might’ instead of ‘should’ ‘must’.
Choose their thoughts carefully.
Use anger to be assertive in a non -aggressive way
Have reasonable expectations of themselves and others.
Decide what they need and are courageous enough to ask for it
Take advantage of all opportunities
Final word from Annie
My hope is that you begin to know who you are and change the messages you tell yourself and start giving yourself permission to be authentic. I would like you to find the peace and joy I have found with a clear mind and a steady heart. This is not a magic formula, you have to make it happen.
Annie Ashdown is dubbed by the press as ‘The Confidence Expert’ and for the past 10 years has been teaching Celebrities, Lawyers, Bankers, CEO’s, Entrepreneurs, Business owners, and Corporate employees the way to gain that all importance self-confidence and self–belief.
Based in Harley St, London, Annie is the UK’s leading Confidence coach, and is an emotional freedom technique practioner, theta healer and master clinical hypnotherapist.
Annie’s engaging personality and real life experiences have made her popular with the media and she co-hosted 13 episodes of Kyle’s Academy for ITV1 and was Resident coach on Bump and Grind, Sky1. Annie is a regular guest on BBC radio as well as a frequent contributor to magazines and newspapers and was a judge in 2009 on Britain’s Next Top Coach.
It was after working through her own difficulties Annie recognized the tangible benefits that coaching can bring to so many parts of our lives. Following a successful career in film and TV between Los Angeles, New York and London, Annie hit rock bottom around her chronic eating disorder. This sparked a journey of self-discovery and making profound changes, Annie changed career direction in order to help others maximize their potential. Her tough love
approach is practical and down to earth, tempered with a dose of humor and more often than not related to her own life experiences.
In addition to her 1-1 client sessions, Annie has been called upon to design and deliver seminars and workshops for organizations including: Nokia, Vertu, Yahoo, Chelsea Football Club, Business Link, AMEX, Orange, Royal Borough of Kensington and Chelsea, and DWP.
In 2010 Annie was the first to introduce a team of 50 coaches nationwide to Job Centre Plus, helping motivate and inspire professional executives back to work. Annie is a regular on the speakers’ circuit, and was invited in November 2011 to be key speaker at the prestigious Everywoman’s 12th annual conference for 500 female entrepreneurs sponsored by Nat West and Marie Claire magazine.
Annie is fully insured and a member of British Institute of Hypnotherapy, Association for Professional Hypnosis and Psychotherapists, NHS Directory, CHCH, GHR, Register for Evidence Based Hypnotherapy and Psychotherapy, Association Of Meridian Energy Therapists, and Complimentary Medical Association.
Annie has two comp tickets to give away for her talk at Well Being Show at Earls Court sponsored by Psychologies Magazine on 26 May. Go to www.AnnieAshdown.com to receive the 26 page FREE report ‘Master the art of self -belief’, a FREE hypnotic mp3 and details of the comp tickets. (Please note that there is only one week for the comp tickets so act now if it’s of interest to you.)
Your unique voice is a gift to the world. Your voice does not need to be fixed, squeezed or formatted into an acceptable template according to the standards of others.
We learn early on to take our cues from society and others. Negative self-talk and limiting beliefs are tethered to our perceptions about what will others think. If we continue to cue up unconsciously and hand our voice over to others, we lose our ability to trust ourselves. We must trust ourselves before others can trust us.
Let’s begin with some backstory. I got my first and last chance to be a singer in a rock and roll band when I was 16 years old. Much to our delight, my two best friends and I were invited to band practice in the guitar player’s basement. My friends jumped at the chance to sing with the band. Like any self-conscious teenage girl worth her bell-bottoms, I hung back, quite relieved to sit this one out.
When the song was over, one of the band members turned to me. How about YOU? Let’s hear YOU sing. Picture me resisting, shrinking, embarrassed by unwanted attention. They literally had to pull me up to the microphone to sing Stairway to Heaven by Led Zeppelin. For the record, it clocks at 8:02 minutes. When the song was over, the band members made a fuss about my voice and did not mention my friends’ duet. My friends were mad. They did not speak to me the entire ride home.
I apologized to my friends. It was not the last time I did not OWN the sound of my own voice.
One of the band members showed up at my house the following day to ask my parents if I could join the band as a singer. My parents were not at all agreeable. They forbid me to sing with the band. No daughter of theirs was going to be a singer in a rock n roll band, and all that. Of course I was furious with my parents. But more than anything, I felt the wrath of my friends. My voice had landed me in an enviable position, and I did not want to lose my friends.
This circumstance fueled a powerful story I carried around for years. My ability to shine would have adverse consequences. And so, for a time, I dulled my shine and squashed my voice.
Do you trust the truth of your voice? Where are you voicing what others want or expect to hear? Is your voice story supportive for you?
In my line of work as a Career Coach, the ONE thing that stops more people from acting on more dreams is the refrain, “What will OTHERS think?”
I see it going on all around me. Recently, I met a lovely woman who was an opera singer. She confided to me, I’d like to audition for a solo. I’m good enough and yet stay in my comfort zone singing as part of the ensemble. The truth is, she said, I don’t trust the sound of my own voice.
When our consideration is primarily externally focused, the result is a tempered, vanilla voice that does not sing true or support us in doing what we want to do in the world.
Intellectually, we may know it is best not to feel needy, attached to outcomes or what others think of us. But sometimes, as you also probably well know, it’s hard!
So how do you stop yourself from being driven primarily by external expectations and tune in to your inner voice?
Lose your mind. Get physical and check in with your body to discover what’s true.
Let go of the need for perfection and struggle. Your true voice is best coaxed from non-attachment to outcome, willingness to make mistakes and belief that voicing your truth trumps it all.
Give yourself permission to honor what YOU want. More free writing? Play time? Sitting still each afternoon for a cup of tea? Whatever it is, recognize and create space to honor what’s true for you.
Cultivate faith and trust. Even though you can’t see what’s ahead, you have something important to say and the world needs your gifts. If you hide or hoard your gifts, you are depriving others who need to hear what you have to say.
Go big or go home. Shake things up. Question the way things are. Take more risks. Say it proud. Everyone doesn’t have to like what you say. Those who can and need to, will hear you.
Led Zeppelin did not know when they were composing Stairway to Heaven that it would become one of the greatest rock songs of all time. They put their voices out in the world.
Allowing your inner voice to drive the action will result in rewarding opportunities. The good news is you can create a new voice story at any time and from wherever you are. You never know who your voice will touch, how your authentic voice will carry forward. Until you try.
Do you tend to heed or ignore your inner voice? What is your voice story? How is it serving you? Is it time to take action on your story? We all benefit when you share your voice to comment below.
About Gail Gaspar
Gail helps women entrepreneurs activate powerful truth, awareness and intention for more impact, freedom and fun.
If you like this article, you’ll LOVE my newsletter! For resources and inspiration you can use to Transform your Career Reinvention, visit http://www.iDecideCoach.com to sign up for my monthly newsletter.
This is my fifth guest blog post, and as with every blog posts, I thrive to tackle topics that might not necessarily be often tackled! Earlier this year, when Jen and I discussed the dates for my blog posts, I told her that I knew exactly what my final 2012 blog post would be, and here it is! In this article, I want to talk about, the events when you, as the coach, encounter some challenging situations with your coaching clients.
After close to 5 years of coaching, I can say that I have encountered all of these; and, yes, I am saying it out loud, and publically: it is actually rare for coaches to talk about these situations, even though, they happen. I want to break that pattern, and help you through these. I believe that these situations have either happened to you, or might happen in the future as you continue to stretch and grow yourself and your coaching practice. I also want to say upfront that in most cases, these situations are not a negative reflection of your coaching services. But, as these are often unspoken, when they happen, many coaches feel it was their fault and go into a shame/guilt/unworthy destructive cycle.
So, let’s openly talk about these, and see how we can shift and move forward.
Challenging situation #1
Your coaching client does not “show up”.
And, I don’t mean physically! You know, when they sign up to your coaching programme, and, somehow, don’t “show up”; they might arrive late to your sessions, they might not listen to your programme classes, they might not read your emails, they might not open your attachments, they might not reply to you, etc, etc, etc; these type of things. You know, as the coach, that showing up and playing fully is critical to their success; your coaching programme might be one of the best programmes out there, and yet, it will not do anything for them if they don’t utilised it. It is a challenging situation, as you know that they are not utilising the programme, and know they would get even more out of it, should they do, of course.
So, what do you do? Address it with them, and I suggest to invite them to an additional session (I’d not address this during one of their coaching sessions), but keep it separate and frame the session to find out how they are getting on. There will be 3 scenarios:
you address it, ask how they are doing, and (prepare to be surprised), they tell you they are satisfied with the coaching programme! => key lesson: you are not them, and if they are satisfied with what they are getting, then let it be, they are getting what it is they want; your conversation is a good platform to remind them of the various components and encourage them to utilise them to get the best of your programme, that way you’ve reached out to them and reminded them of what is available to them,
you address it, ask how they are doing, and (prepare to be surprised), they tell you they are satisfied with the coaching programme, but in fact, they are not! => key lesson: you’ve reached out to them, and, asked what you could do to ensure they would get a satisfied experience, and they, for whatever reason, lie to you; fast forward a bit, and they will soon end their relationship with you, unless, you take charge first, and realise you are not happy working with clients who are not showing up and playing fully, and you take the lead in ending the relationship; this is entirely up to you,
you address it, ask how they are doing, and they tell you they are not satisfied with the coaching programme => key lesson: you’ve reached out to them, and, you can now openly talk about it; discuss what is going on, and see if you can come up with ways to make it work; this is an important conversation, and you can turn things around, if both of you are up for it.
Challenging situation #2
Your client does not take actions.
This is a similar situation, as the first one. Here, something for you to be very clear about is that acting is 100% their responsibility; they will not get results if they don’t act, and you cannot guarantee them results, as you are not the ones taking the actions. So, it comes down to their actions
So,what do you do? Address it with them, and I suggest to invite them to an additional session (again here, I’d not address this during one of their coaching sessions), but keep it separate and frame the session to find out how they are getting on, and share your concerns with them. See where this conversation leads you; ultimately, it will once again be up to you, and you might be a coach, who is not happy working with clients not taking actions, and decide to end your relationship.
Challenging situation #3
Your coaching client does not like it when you push their buttons.
Another challenging situation, right? I want you to ask yourself: is pushing buttons part of your role as a coach? I believe it is, in fact, an integral part of your coaching; when something needs to come out but does not, you might need to make it come out and however way you will do it, it might cause the client to feel the heat; you are not their friend, you are their coach, and your outcome is to do whatever is needed to support them, and sometimes supporting them means to push some buttons to get them moving forward.
So,what do you do? Address it with them, and I suggest to invite them to an additional session (again here, I’d not address this during one of their coaching sessions), but keep it separate and frame the session to find out how they are getting on. This will enable you to openly discuss and see how your coaching client is, and to (re)share with them your role, values and practices. However way you do it, I want to strongly emphasise the fact that I believe you should not change your style to suit your clients. In my previous article Mirror, Mirror On The Wall, Who Is The Best Of Them All? I talked about coaching styles, and reminded you that “Your coaching style will be the best for some, and completely clash for others.” And this is what might be happening. During your conversation, you will either decide to make it work, or to end the relationship if you feel this is not going to work. Again here, it is entirely up to you.
Challenging situation #4
Your client expects ABC, and you give them XYZ.
This situation is another challenge in itself! When you are coaching your client, your key outcome is to coach them to the best of your ability. You come to their sessions, without any agenda. However, very often, your coaching client will come to their session with their agenda, their ABC. And, here is what happens; they want ABC, but, for whatever reason, they also come in with a bunch of “stuff”, and you, as the coach, make a judgement call, in tackling the stuff, as you professionally know that once it is tackled, it will make it easy to then move their focus onto ABC; so, you do, XYZ, as you feel, it is what will best support your coaching client in that session. The thing is, they don’t know what’s going on, they are not trained as coaches, so from their point of view, they’ll see things as wanting to get ABC, but getting XYZ instead; and it might well have been that XYZ created huge shifts and breakthroughs, but, it was not ABC, bottom line, they did not get what that wanted.
So,what do you do? In this case, I believe, that instead of being a “what do you do?” question, it is actually a “what can you do post-session? question. Because, you did what you decided was best at the time of the session, so now, it is looking into the post-session follow-up to ensure your client remains satisfied. It has happened to me a couple of times, and should these scenarios happen again, I would do exactly the same things, as in, do the XYZ first and then, deliver a post-session action to ensure you address the ABC.
The BIG silver lining!
While these situations are challenging to face, I actually believe that experiencing these scenarios will make you a stronger coach, as each of these will be beneficial to your growth. You will learn from each of these, and if necessary, refine some of your internal and external processes, that will make your practice stronger too. Now, for this to happen, and for you to be able to view these situations as something positive along your journey, you need to ensure that as these happen, you discuss them with your own coach, so that he/she can help you through these. This is very important.
This is not an exhaustive list, and the recommendations I am giving are the ones that have worked for me; but there are plenty of other ways to tackle these challenging situations. Remember, the key thing is that you should do whatever you think is best for you and your client; I truly believe that facing these situations head on is the best first step. Be proud of who you are as a coach, and stand by your practice.
Have you ever encountered one of these 4 challenging situations with your coaching clients? What did you do? I’d love for you to share, this will be so helpful for other coaches. Comment below!
About the Author/Further Resources
Frederique Murphy (@IrishSmiley on twitter) is a mindset strategist, who founded her business to focus on her passion: transformation! Thanks to her Mountain Moving Mindset programme, Frederique empowers individuals, corporate executives and business owners to master their mindset, so that they can move mountains and bring their life, career and business to a whole new level! She shares her M3 Power through her coaching & mentoring packages, her published books & articles, her award-winning blog and newsletters, and her unique live events. For more information on Frederique’s transformational range of products and services, visit FrederiqueMurphy.com, get your free M3 Power, and start climbing now!