I spent many a happy hour developing the skills of individuals who spent the majority of their working lives having conversations over the phone.

I once ran a workshop that had a mix of individuals who had a background working via a phone and those who generally worked face-to-face. I knew the work of all of those in the room and knew that they were all fantastic listeners.

As part of the workshop I included an exercise about listening – the whole group excelled at the first part. The difference came when I asked that they did the same exercise with their eyes shut. What quickly became apparent was that those who had lots of experience working via the phone found the task relatively easy. Those who mainly worked face-to-face struggled without the visual cues they were used to working with.

Now I’m not for one minute suggesting that those who normally worked face-to-face with people “failed” and therefore are consigned to never communicating using any other method ever again! What I am saying is that listening without being able to literally physically see what’s going on is a skill that can be developed like any other. It’s something that, with practice can get stronger and stronger.

So why am I writing about contact centres on a Wednesday coaching post?

You’ll often find coaches discussing the importance of listening when having a coaching conversation. Pretty much up until running that workshop I didn’t fully get why when I met other coaches at events so many of them would give me a strange look when I said I coached via the phone.

I do a lot of my work via the phone – it’s a medium I’m comfortable with. I like the extra benefits it can bring, such as being able to work with wherever my ideal clients are (providing they have a working phone signal). I don’t have to have geographic limitations so that we can both be physically in the same place.

It also makes scheduling clients a lot easier – there are no travelling times to take into consideration. So I have far more flexibility with my phone coaching sessions than I often have with a face-to-face session. I don’t know about you, but even though I often quite like a car or train journey I much prefer the joy I get from coaching. I’d much rather be spending my time running a coaching session than travelling to one.

There are many other reasons why I personally choose to mainly coach via the phone. Thinking back to the many different trainings I have attended there have been many, many skills and techniques that I have at my fingertips from those events to use when coaching via the phone.

However, I recall only a handful of occasions when someone has specifically discussed coaching using the phone – normally in response to a delegate’s question. I can also recall few training drills and exercises where we were strengthening our listening skills without the visual cues.

So, to answer the question in the title of this post, it is possible to listen without having visual cues. One of the main questions I get asked by coaches who don’t coach via the phone is how do you do that if you can’t see what someone is doing or thinking?

There are several things you can do to make coaching via the phone easier and skills you can develop and strengthen so that, if you want, you can transfer your own coaching style to work via the phone.

I love the variety and breadth that is found in the coaching profession, and there will be some coaches who choose to coach face to face. Perhaps it’s because it’s a medium they really enjoy or maybe they coach in a way that is really much easier face to face (ie as a kids sports coach). So please don’t misunderstand my post as an implication that all coaches should be coaching via the phone.

However, you may have ruled out working via the phone because you don’t know where to start or have no idea how you could coach without literally physically seeing when a client is thinking etc. I’ve seen some jump to the conclusion that they just couldn’t coach that way, that somehow they would never be “good enough.” If that sounds like you, please remember that:

(a)    Knowledge can be learnt

(b)   You can strengthen skills with practice

(c)    How do you know if you haven’t had the experience?

I have decided to put on a training to assist those who are interested in starting phone coaching. It’s a training where I’m pulling together all my coaching and working on the phones knowledge and experience to give a very practical course. Designed to put your learning into context I want you to complete the course having successfully coached others via the phone, building up experience and feedback.

It’s a training that will take place over the phone, using technology that allows you to work in small groups within the call, exactly as you could during a live face-to-face training – you will be strengthening those skills you will use when phone coaching all the way through the course. For more details click here.

If you are coaching where you are developing and practicing a specific ability in a training environment then perhaps you will use how you performed a specific technique, coaching model or skill as a way to judge.

If you are coaching in a business context as an internal member of a team then perhaps the judgement about how well a coaching session is influenced by other aspects of the expectations of your job role.

If you are coaching in a business context as an external provider then you may have other influences about how you judge a session was a good one.

Broadly speaking there are 5 different scenarios you may find yourself coaching:

• In a training situation to develop a specific skill, technique or style.
• A “formal” session in a business where you are also a team member – An example of this is a manager running a coaching session for a team member.
• A “formal” coaching session in a situation where you are “paid” by someone other than the person you are actually coaching.
• A “formal” coaching where you are “paid” directly by the individual you are coaching.
• An “informal” coaching conversation with family, friends or colleagues.

For the purposes of this list by formal I mean a session where both you and the person you are having a coaching conversation with are aware that you are coaching.

By “informal” I mean a situation where the other person may describe it as a chat at lunch, or an interesting conversation in the corridor etc. – As a coach you may have been very aware that you were having a conversation that would easily be identical in a formal coaching session. It’s just not necessarily the label the other person would use.

The question I ask today is as a coach, how are you judging you are doing a good job? I appreciate that potentially the scenario and context you are coaching in may influence your judgement.

Do you form a judgement given what you have personally seen or heard? Perhaps you just get a specific feeling that tells you that you’ve done a good job.

Maybe you let your client(s) be the guide about if it was a good session and use the feedback from those directly involved.

Another aspect that some people use to judge is criteria either given directly to you by someone other than your client (ie a trainer/organisation). Alternatively, you can judge using a comparison with someone else.

You may have noticed that I specifically used the word judging, as in “to form an opinion about,” in my question.

Each method of judging can have an impact on how confident you feel about your coaching and the action that you take which can positively or negatively impact your business.

As always, if you are judging if you are doing a good job, and that way is working for you then do keep doing what you are doing. If it isn’t working you may want to consider how you are forming that judgement and what you are doing with that opinion.

Here are a few questions and observations that will apply more to some judgement methods than others:

• Not confident about your coaching? Leonard Orr’s said “What the thinker thinks, the prover proves.” (Otherwise known as Orr’s Law.) Are you ignoring “evidence” from another perspective?

Just for fun, if you were to consider the opposite to your judgement, what “evidence” could you find? If you were to use that judgement what would you do differently?

• Comparing yourself with someone else? What are you doing with that comparison? If you are using it to beat yourself up with “I’m not as good as” thoughts, is that a useful action?

I’ll also mention that many people pick someone with years of experience and thousand of hours of practice to use as a comparison – hardly a fair comparison if you haven’t also got years of experience and thousands of hours practice as well!

• Totally ignoring what your clients are saying and preferring to make a judgement using other methods? Just for a moment consider the question: “What actions would you take if you let your clients guide that judgement?” What impact would those actions have on your coaching practice, either your literal business or how you approach coaching?

If you haven’t already I invite you to consider how you are judging your coaching and the impact that is having.

Some of you may have attended a training that has specifically taught you that in coaching you never, ever ask the question why? I know, I’ve attended those courses as well

There are reasons why the question why is often taught not to be asked to new coaches. Asking the question why can have a negative effect upon a coaching conversation. There is much to be said about that negative influence but to keep this post to a reasonable length perhaps the two main impacts are:

• Asking the question why can cause an individual to feel attacked in some form, resulting in defensive answers.

• It can focus the attention upon the past rather than in the present or future.

I’d hope that anyone who has been taught not to ask the question why also focuses upon what they want to achieve with a question and the potential outcome rather than just not saying the word why. Just because you don’t physically use the word why, it does not mean that your question doesn’t focus someone’s attention towards past events.

For example the question, “how come?” doesn’t contain the word why but potentially provides exactly the same answer if the client had just said “I don’t feel wonderful at the moment.” Equally in some situations you can provoke a defensive response with the phrase “What were you thinking?”

When Dave asked about what I personally felt about using the question why I replied that I didn’t rule out the possibility of asking the question why. For me, it’s about still having the flexibility to use it in appropriate situations and contexts. When I do use the question why, I do so deliberately and often it is woven into a much bigger framework of the work that I am doing. I know the reason why I am asking why.

So having said that I wouldn’t rule out asking the question why I thought I’d expand on the situations and contexts I may use the question why:

If my client tells me that they keep asking themselves why.

Anything a client tells me they keep asking themselves is potentially a question worth answering so I often check if they’ve actually listened for an answer. Listening for an answer may seem obvious but often people stop at the question and use that thought as a reason to beat themselves up.

To discover motivation /why something is important.

In some contexts it can be beneficial for a client to be aware about why something is important to them. Often this is an answer that is not based about something that has happened in the past so you don’t have the consequence of getting bogged down with a story about historic events.

Asking why may reveal individuals values, if they want to get away from a situation or if they want to move towards something new.

Discover somebody’s limiting beliefs

I normally only ask why for this purpose when I’m pretty certain I know what those limiting beliefs are and want to tackle them head on. I’m often looking to get the precise wording that they are telling themselves. It’s also something I usually only use if I feel that the trust is there between us – it will minimise any potential defensive feelings.

Mastery

You may have heard of a theory in learning called the steps to learning, or the conscious competence theory. In this model of learning it is considered the 4^th stage is unconscious competence, when someone is so comfortable with a skill that they can do it without thinking about it.

Does that mean that when you’ve learnt to do something naturally it can’t be improved or strengthened? Personally I don’t subscribe to that belief, so if the context of the coaching is around improving an individuals skills I may very easily ask a why question. Asking why in that situation will bring those skills back to the conscious stage. Or as I have heard Michael Neill describe as a conscious unconscious competence stage, which can otherwise be referred to it as mastery.

Let me re-stress that these are just scenarios where I might consider using a why question. In practice I choose each question depending upon what the person in front of me (or on the phone) has just said – it’s a bespoke service not a one size fits all approach. I’m also not condemning any coach who chooses not to ask a why question. If you are a coach I invite you to consider, at an appropriate time, why you are using a particular question.

You may not agree with what I have said above and I’m happy for that to be the case, feel free to tell me so below. Alternatively, if there is a situation when you would use the question why I haven’t mentioned I’d love for you to share those as well.

A 7 Day e-course to create your own unique welcome pack to suite you AND your clients.

Enter your details below to start getting a 7 part step-by-step guide that talks you through creating your own coaching welcome pack.

My aim with these emails is to provide YOU with the tools to create your own welcome pack – one that reflects YOUR style and personality AND one that works for your clients.

At the end of each days email I’ll be inviting you to do a specific action assignment. So if you’ve turned up and participated fully, by the end of day 7 you will have created your own unique welcome pack.

Your details will NOT be passed on to any third parties.

Coaching Confidence, the coaching blog, contains regular posts throughout the week designed to be supportive, informative and generally of interest to coaches.

As an added extra, when you sign up to get your FREE 7 part “What to put in your coaching welcome pack” you will also get a weekly round up of that weeks posts on the site. (Which you can unsubscribe anytime you wish using the link contained in every email.)

The first response that came into my head was “the one that works for that situation and individual.” However, I figured that in order for that question to make sense to the person asking the chances were that they felt that you just followed one coaching model. So I resisted answering with my first response and spoke about a model that the business I was in at that time had devised.

However, I have to admit that I was feeling slightly mischievous. As I know and use, as appropriate, many different models I could choose to mention one of several. The one I choose to tell them about one that was unique to the company I worked for at that time – one that they had modelled, identified the steps used and created their own acronym to act as a reminder of the steps.

In case you’re reading this thinking I’m saying that models have no place in coaching let me make it perfectly clear that is not what I’m saying. Coaching models can be fantastic for many reasons:

• They can aid your mastery of coaching as they assist you to be conscious of what you are doing and to make choices deliberately.
• They can assist you in deciding a particular course of action to take, which question to ask next, the technique to use or a suitable approach.
• A model can be easy to teach to someone totally new to coaching
• Following a model can be very reassuring to those new to coaching.
• To some audiences models add credibility about your expertise as a coach.
• Not forgetting that in the right context they can work!

The downside to coaching models is that some take the idea that coaching models exist and look for step by step instructions. A one size-fits all approach if you like. It’s almost as if they are looking for an “if they say x you say y” level of instruction without paying attention to other skills. My own personal belief is that when done skilfully coaching is so much more than a formula.

Imagine that you have the experience of calling two different call centres – Call centre A where the agents have to follow a script and are restricted by what their system allows. Call centre B is one where the agents have received training, have product knowledge and are allowed to have a conversation in their own professional style that focuses upon you as a caller.

Which one would you rather be involved with? If your situation fits with the script and their systems then you may have a satisfactory outcome to your call with call centre A. If you have a more unusual scenario or one that doesn’t work with their system then Call Centre A is not likely to be able to assist you, and you’ll have far more chance of success with Call Centre B.

What has this got to do with coaching? From time to time I see coaches using the same approach as call centre A. They have a model they use and they put all their focus on using it the “right” way.

I like to give this approach the benefit of the doubt and think that the coach’s motivation is about doing a great job for their client. The only thing is that the client is often ignored because the focus is on the process of the model, which means signs and cues can be missed. The coach is very inflexible with their approach trying to get the client to adjust to their approach instead.

Does this mean that I am suggesting that you should not learn coaching models? – Again, I say no.

What I am suggesting is that:

• You are open to the possibilities that there can be more than one approach.
• Don’t be afraid to change direction if one way isn’t working.
• Remember your other important coaching skills – such as listening
• Don’t ignore the client and their response

Thinking back to just the last couple of coaching sessions I’ve run I know that I have employed many models such as GROW, Transformative Coaching and High Performance Coaching. And I do mean employ – models are there for you to use the services of, not for you to surrender your control.

There will off course be specific jargon and language that applies to your specific area of coaching – in the corporate world for example you may be familiar with hearing the term stakeholders. In a business setting you may have an employees manager showing an interest. Maybe there is a third party actually paying for the coaching – a company or even a charity. Then you may have family members, particularly if you are working with a minor, who also express an interest.

As a coach, your primary relationship will be with the individual being coached. However, in such situations you do not operate in a separate bubble. If you are already working in such situations then you have no doubt already perfected ways and behaviours of dealing with these circumstances. If that’s the case than feel free to share your views below

If you have not got as much experience in these areas here are a couple of my initial thoughts on the subject.

It helps if you understand the context that the coaching has been requested. This may be as simple as improving performance, however sometimes there is a lot more involved. For example, in a business setting I’ve observed a manager think of it as a tick box exercise as part of managing an employee out of the business.

Know who the other interested parties are – managers, business owners, HR professionals, organisations, parents, charities etc. It’s entirely possible that there will be more than one.

It’s also entirely possible that each interested party will have their own different priorities and ideas. It will help if you know what each of them wants.

Knowing all that can help you to tailor the expectations and agreements that you set. Getting agreement and “buy-in” for this from the start can make situations easier in the long run, and potentially avoid issues even arising. Matters around confidentiality and the flow of information not only will potentially affect the trust between the individual and coach and also is likely to be of concern to the other “third parties”.

While the individuals involved may have changed over time I found that wasn’t the first role where looking busy was encouraged.

The thing with being busy is that you are often taking lots of action – it just isn’t necessarily action that is moving you forward. So returning to my question at the start of this post, as a coach how busy are you?

Is the action you are taking actually moving you closer to where you want your coaching practice to be? Or is it action you’re taking because you think you “should” or because it’s what everyone else does etc?

When you are coaching clients you may be really good at assisting them to choose action steps that will make the biggest difference to them. You may have a whole selection of techniques, theories and methods that you use to be able to do that but do you walk your own talk?

It’s January so it’s entirely possible that you have recently created a vision about where you want your coaching practice to go in 2011 and beyond. You may also have devised a plan to get there.

It’s entirely possible that you have restricted time to work on building your coaching practice. I also know that sometimes it can feel like “real life” can get in the way. For instance, I know many coaches and trainee coaches work either part or full time doing other jobs.

Have a look at any to-do lists or schedules you have to do with your coaching practice, how much of what is on there actually moves you towards what you want your coaching practice to become?

As Joel Arthur Barker said:

“Vision without action is merely a dream. Action without vision just passes the time. Vision with action can change the world.”

If you think you need support to take more focused action, I’ll be running a Turbo Boost week at the start of February. You can find the full details of what is involved, including how you can reserve your place, here.

There has always come a point when they will try, potentially at great length, to try and persuade me about something that I know is a complete lie – often relatively early in our coaching relationship.

Now, before you build up a derogrery picture of the lovely skilled brilliant individuals I work with, let me also add that if I’m totally honest I’ve done it with my own coaches but, like my clients, I was convinced what I was saying at the time was true.

They may have a very reasonably sounding, well thought out and constructed argument to support the lie. They may even have collected evidence over time that supports their position.

What they have often ignored is evidence that supports any other viewpoint or allowed for the situation altering. They are also often missing other solutions that may not be obvious if they believe this lie they are telling themselves.

For me, one of my roles as a coach is to empower my clients and to see more for them than they are themselves. One of the ways that as a coach I do this is by not believing and “buying in to” every single story they tell me.

If you are reading this it’s quite possible that you are already familiar with the term limiting belief, that is a belief that someone has that gets in their way and limits them. It’s these that clients often lie about, though sometimes it can also be something they don’t want to admit.

So what do you do when you suspect a client is lying?

Sometimes, this takes the form of asking more questions to check the accuracy of what they are telling you.

For example, imagine Bob* was to tell you that he was incapable of taking the next action needed to move closer towards his “goal”. One option is to believe that’s true and look for a different way around that. Another option is to explore further what he thinks is stopping him from taking that action.

On other occasions it can be saying out-right that you don’t believe them. Perhaps they are saying one thing but something that you are seeing or hearing makes you suspect that it’s not the truth.

For example, Bob may be telling you that what he really wants is one thing, but you can hear that there is something missing.

On other occasions it’s about refusing to believe that they are not good enough, amazing enough etc to do great things. My way of handling that is when clients try and convince me that they are not good enough is to point out to them that they can try all they want but they are not going to convince me of that. You see, not always believing a client is different to not believing in your client.

These are all ways that can facilitate your client to find alternative solutions and ways forward.

All this may sound really simple when it’s something that’s obviously not true. What it’s often harder to spot is if your client’s lie happens to be something that you also believe – If you find yourself agreeing with a client when they are telling you what’s in their way then it’s quite possible that this is what is happening.

If you haven’t already I invite you to consider how you will handle that situation, if you wish you can always share that below.

* For the purpose of this post Bob is an imaginary client based on no individual person

However, some of the emails I received over the festive period asked specifically for some goal related articles. As coaches we deal a lot with goals, targets or whatever specific language you use to define what you are working towards with your client.

The conversation about what different people associate with the word goal is perhaps a post for a different occasion. For simplicity, in the remainder of this post feel free to substitute the terminology you use yourself and with your clients to define what you are both working towards.

If you have done a specific coaching training then it’s quite possible that you have come across the terminology of SMART goals – even if you haven’t done any training you’ve probably still heard mention of them. While there is debate about the definitive definition of each of the words the mnemonic stands for, as far as I can establish it is a term that has its first documented use in 1981 published in a management journal. (There are earlier accounts of the term being used but there does not appear to be any documentation to support this. If anyone knows of proof of an earlier use than do let me know.)

This (potentially) makes 2011 the 30^th anniversary of the first publication of the term SMART goals. Since then it has become a term that is used outside of management as well as within.

But is SMART all there is to goal setting?  As coaches do you consider anything else?

There have always been extra things that I consider when, as a coach, I am questioning someone around what they want to achieve from our work together. I thought today I would mention two of these. The first is does this person actually genuinely want what they are asking for?

At first glance that may seem like a silly question, why would anyone seek out coaching for something they don’t actually want:

• For some they may be asking for what appears to be the logical next step from where they are.
• Others may be asking for something that they think will give them what they really want (i.e. Extra income will allow them to spend more time with their loved ones and improve those relationships.)
• Then there are those who have “inherited” someone else’s goals for them and haven’t questioned if they actually want them.
• Often individuals may think they have thought “big” but there is still something that would be “even better than that.”

As I see it, one of my roles as a coach is to challenge my clients to think bigger and brighter. So facilitating an awareness and connection with what someone actual wants is an important part of establishing what our potential aim is from working together.

Another aspect that I am conscious of when first establishing with a client what we are working together on is if they are prepared to commit to creating what they are asking for.

This isn’t about judging someone if they are not prepared to commit (and some can be surprised that they are not) but about discovering early on what they think will happen if they do commit.

This normally leads to either the end goal being redefined or some work around a perceived obstacle or how we will work together. For example, sometimes a reluctance to commit can be about being afraid that I, as a coach, will “make” someone take action they would hate doing. (For the record I may invite or challenge but not make someone do something. My work is about supporting someone and making the process easier not bullying them!)

As it is the New Year and the first coaching post of 2011 I invite you to consider as a coach:

What do you want to commit to creating?

Feel free to share your answers below to any of the above questions.

Instead, today you will find a list of all the guest posters since we started the feature with links to their respective posts.

I’d like to take this moment to thank all these posters for taking the time to share so generously. I’d also like to wish everyone a Happy New Year.

If you have been following this blog on twitter you will have noticed a variety of quotes being posted throughout each day. It’s something that I’ve had numerous comments about.

Quotes are yet another thing that can be at the coaches disposal to use during a coaching session. As with all methods that are at our disposal as coaches when and if you decide to use a quote will vary on individual circumstance. But why would you want to use quotes?

If you have used quotes through education you have probably been taught that you use quotes to credit the source of a piece of information or opinion. That may be something that appeals to some of your clients so it is possible that from time to time it is still one of the reasons you want to use a quote.

It is not the only reason you may use quotes as a coach. You may want to use a quote to provoke and not take personal responsibility for that message – perhaps you are afraid it would get in the way of the rest of your coaching relationship. As you are apparently talking about something somebody else said at a different time and place your client will often respond.

For example, coaching a customer-facing employee in a business you may quote a specific customer. It’s entirely possible that your client will be far more open to a conversation around this than if you voiced the same opinion as a bystander.

You can also use quotes to “borrow authority” to focus your clients attention or increase their willingness to answer a question or do an exercise. It can be used as a convincer to add extra-perceived credibility. For example, I’ve seen individuals willingly start an exercise after being told that it was something used by someone they admired, where they had previously been reluctant.

You may also use quotes that can inspire and motivate, grab attention or trigger new thoughts.

Starting in the New Year, in addition to the regular posting of quotes daily on twitter, there will also be a quote of the day appearing here on the Coaching Confidence blog. If you have a particular quote you like and/or find really helpful personally or with a client then feel free to share so I can include it on a future date.

Apart from sounding like it potentially could be the first line of a joke you could find in a Christmas cracker I had neglected to make any further notes about my original train of thought when I made that note! Re-reading it now I suspect that I was thinking about presents and gifts rather than flying sleighs and climbing down chimneys. (Though I did write recently about the magical aspects of coaching)

The word present itself is an ambiguity, in the fact that it can have two meanings. It will obviously depend upon each individual coach, the way they work and each client but coaching can often have connections to both meanings of the word.

It’s not at all unknown for a coaching session to bring a client back to being in the present moment – not focusing upon the past or having thousands of thoughts about what to do in the future. (For clarity, I perhaps should mention that there will also be times when a coaching session may refer to a past event or achievement. Just as a coach may bring focus on the future e.g. establishing a goal to work towards.)

Coaching can also bring added benefits, or presents, that a client was not expecting. Perhaps they were motivated to work for you to move their business forward and also find that they are more energised and less stressed in the process. Perhaps they approached you to increase their confidence and also find that they have also got more business.

Coaching can also be about an individual’s gifts. Often these are attributes and talents that have gone un-noticed by the individual themselves. Normally they are things that the person finds easy and the value that others, who do not find them as easy/enjoyable, goes unrecognised.

While I suppose there are coaches who do enjoy a glass of milk and a cookie – I think that is one of those optional similarities with Santa.

If you can think of any other reasons why a coach is like Santa feel free to share and I wish you a very happy Christmas.