advice


When in Doubt, Shut Up and Listen 1

In today’s guest post Executive Coach Suzi McAlpine shares some of her experience and knowledge.

When in Doubt, Shut Up and Listen

By Suzi McAlpine

"When in Doubt, Shut Up and Listen" By Suzi McAlpine

When I was studying to become an Executive Coach, one of the first things we were taught was the value of listening.

We learnt that being fully present and practicing deep, active listening with our clients, is one of the fundamental pillars of effective coaching – and leadership for that matter.

Yeah yeah, I hear you say. We already know this! What’s so profound about that?

Well, here’s the thing. It was only recently that I really, truly, completely got this concept. I’m talkin’ from the core of my being, totally understanding what a powerful tool that listening to our client and giving them our full attention can be.

Don’t get me wrong, I have always been a big advocate of the ‘shut up and listen’ approach.

But there’s a monumental difference between conversational listening (the type of listening which happens at least 80% of the time) and listening with full intent.

Let me explain.

Over the course of several months, I noticed I was using the ‘guiding gateway’ a lot more in coaching sessions with my clients.

This coincided with a growing sense of compulsion and pressure on myself to ‘perform’ as a coach.

I adopted a responsibility to engender transformational change in others. Their imminent success (or failure) rested upon my shoulders. It felt as if their development and performance was up to me.

Of course, this isn’t the job of a coach, right? So eventually, the weight of my false expectations started to backfire. Something had to give.

I began to leave sessions feeling frustrated when ‘progress’ wasn’t happening.

Increasingly, my clients would not end up doing what they had committed to do.

It was at this point I started to see the wisdom in the ol’ saying, “ if you keep doing the same things over and over, expect to get the same result.”

So I tried an experiment.

For one week, I would refrain from offering any input in terms of ways forward or suggestions regarding actions with my clients at all.

Instead I would only listen, paraphrase, listen some more, ask questions, provide meaning and context and offer encouragement and support if they needed it.

I would also take hardly any notes in the session, if at all.

My focus would be to give exquisite attention to what they were saying, how they were saying it, the language they used, their body language, facial expressions, their intonation, and to keep an eye out for any ‘loaded’ words. Even (and especially) what they were not saying.

Talk about epiphany city. It was so powerful to see the difference and improvement in the coaching sessions – for everyone.

Here’s six lessons I discovered in going from ‘fixer’ to ‘listener’:

1. I noticed for the first time that one client’s accent got stronger every time he was upset or angry, even though I had been coaching him for six months! This led to some breakthroughs about himself and his childhood experiences which were still playing out in a work environment.

2. I rediscovered the value of metaphor in providing people with understanding and a new perspective to their situation.

3. I ‘caught’ stuff I had been missing. Like emotions hiding just behind the surface but noticeable in the slightest of facial expressions or twist in body posture. These were often the keys to unlocking change.

4. My clients had so many more of those “aha” moments. They seemed to have better outcomes and experiences within the sessions. They left feeling empowered – that they had discovered their own solutions in moving forward as leaders.

5. My own enjoyment of the sessions improved dramatically. Listening is a gift for the coach as much as it is for the client. I felt revitalised in my work.

6. Ironically, I received more positive feedback about the sessions than I had ever done (not that this mattered to me).

So, I challenge you, particularly if you are an experienced coach, to mindfully re-engage with the value of the simple gift of listening.

Experiment with it in your coaching practice. Bring it once again to the forefront. Remember its importance in the leadership realm.

And, if you find yourself (like me) slipping into ‘fix-it’ mode, remember this –

“The greatest gift you can give another is the purity of your attention.”

– Richard Moss

About Suzi McAlpine

Suzi McAlpineSuzi McAlpine is a leadership coach with over 15 years of experience in working alongside CEOs and senior leaders to harness their full potential – and achieve maximum results.

Suzi works with executives from a broad spectrum of organisations throughout New Zealand and is the author of an award-winning leadership blog, The Leader’s Digest.

Go to www.theleadersdigest.me to read Suzi’s free leadership tips and insights.

Twitter: @suzimcalpine

Facebook: www.facebook.com/McAlpineCoaching

LinkedIn: nz.linkedin.com/in/suzimcalpine/

Website: www.mcalpinecoaching.co.nz

Blog: www.theleadersdigest.me

 

 


Coaching Confidence Chatterbox with Jen Waller

Chatterbox

Coaching Confidence Chatterbox with

Jen Waller

The Coaching Confidence Chatterbox is an interview feature with coaches where the questions are generated based on the origami fortune teller/chatterbox game.

As this is the first week, I thought as this is my site I’d join in and play first. 🙂

Name: Jen Waller

Website: www.CoachingConfidence.co.uk (this one!)

Jen Waller

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(The answers to the above questions are then used to generate a choice of numbers)

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Select one of the following numbers 8, 1, 4 or 5: 5

What is your favourite way that a client has found out about your work?“:

A lot of the clients I work with have either come to me as a referral or because they have already have experience/contact with my work – either through the written word or in person.

For example, I have had clients approach me to become their coach who I initially met at someone elses event and we did a coaching exercise together.

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Select one of the following numbers 7, 2, 3 or 6: 6

“If you could travel back in time to give a message to yourself either at the start of your coaching journey, or earlier, what would that message be?”

For a long time I let fear and that voice of doubt and self criticism get in the way of actually coaching and being present with the other person.

So the first thing that springs to mind is to actually give her a big hug and tell her that everything will be OK. One day you will really see that the voice inside your head, the one that wants to give a running critique (the one you think is getting in the way), really doesn’t have to be important!

I know that at the time I was all about the destination and not so much about the journey – I doubt I’d have let myself get away without giving what I’d have viewed as a more practical answer.

So I’ll also add that you really don’t need to know all the questions you’re going to ask before the session – it works so much better if you respond to what your client actually says in that moment. Not what you imagined they may say or even where they were before the session!

Not knowing before the session what you are going to ask really does not reflect on your coaching skills – it just means that you’ve not learnt to time travel yet!

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Select one of the following numbers 8, 1 or 4: 4

“What is the biggest lesson you’ve learnt so far as a coach?”

Oh so many to choose from – both from a coaching and a business perspective. I suspect that this is one of those questions where my answer will change from one week to the next!

If I had to just pick one today I would pick a coaching related one. It’s one where the language may get a bit more messy as it describes an experience – different people may use the same words in different contexts and to describe different experiences.

I think being totally present, focused and just “with” the other person is so powerful. It’s about listening without the purpose of fixing them, or using a specific pre-determined “technique” etc. It’s that space where if that voice of self doubt and criticism appears in my head it can go as quickly as it came – ‘cos it’s not about me in that moment, it’s about the other person.

When I’m in that flow it’s almost as if the questions, stories, quotes etc I share are coming from elsewhere. I’m not consciously having to think about any of that. Sometimes there’s a relaxed choice to make about a direction to head in but there’s an ease and naturalness about it all.

I love learning new things and I think certainly when I started out I would focus loads on the techniques, do lots and lots of language based drills, study different models and theories etc. I certainly undervalued the impact that being present environment can make – it seemed so simple and yet makes such a big difference.

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What question would you like to add to the Chatterbox for another coach to answer?

What advice would you give to someone thinking of starting a coaching business?

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How would you answer that question?

Two aspects immediately spring to mind:

  • Firstly the easiest way is to get some practical experience both as a coach and as a client. See how you enjoy this before jumping headlong into setting up a full time business and then potentially discovering that what you thought in theory is nothing like the actual experience!
  • Secondly, if you are wanting to “make a living” from coaching with your own business then there is the business aspects – it’s not just about coaching every working hour. That may seem obvious and it’s worth stating you don’t have to do all that single handed.

Having a support structure in place helps. How that support structure looks will vary from person to person – some will want support from an admin perspective, others with accounting, many love having someone to bounce ideas off or to talk about how to find clients etc.

It also really helps if you can make a difference with your clients so depending on your existing knowledge and background it may be that part of that support plan involves training and skill development.

One of the questions I’ve been known to ask people is to consider what their “dream” support would be? So if you had unlimited money/ time/ resources what would you put in place to make this easier and more fun?

Logistically unlimited money/ time / resources may not be your reality but I find that question often highlights surprising answers that many hadn’t considered exploring previously.

I’m on a mission to support, nurture and encourage coaching skills and talents from Non-Coach to Coach and Beyond, to find out more about me and my work visit here.

If you are a coach and want to play with the Coaching Confidence Chatterbox send an email via this page.


Seven Pieces of Advice From Top Coaching Clients 1

What advice would your clients give coaches? In today’s guest post Richard Nugent shares:

"Seven Pieces of Advice From Top Coaching Clients" A guest post by Richard Nugent

Seven Pieces of Advice From Top Coaching Clients

by Richard Nugent

In preparation for this article, I thought I’d ask some of my coaching clients what they wanted and needed from a coach most of all. Some answers surprised me, some I completely expected and, while I hope all are factors that you already take into account when coaching, they are all great reminders of good coaching practice.

To give you a flavour, the clients I asked included several Executives of large organisations, various entrepreneurs, a professional footballer, a senior training manager, some business coaches and teacher. I have coached all of them for some time and all are pretty demanding of themselves and their coach!

I asked them all the same question ‘what is the single most important thing that a coach must do’? Here are the seven most common answers.

1. Keep in touch. Whether between sessions or during breaks in the coaching relationship. The coaching relationship must be on going and consistent even when the actual coaching isn’t.

2. Focus on helping me to understand how I can achieve my outcomes. Everyone is different; don’t assume that there is a right way for everyone.

3. Be you. A coaching relationship works best with you feel the coach is being themselves. Don’t be one way when we meet then turn into a different person when you coach.

4. Be respectful of the trust and investment that I am making in you. I am likely to be telling you things that I haven’t told my closest family. I may have also spent my whole development budget for the year with you. Occasionally let me know that you appreciate that.

5. Know when to be really tough with me and kick my butt and when to support me. (I’d call this emotional intelligence – what is clear from clients’ responses that we have to have it on full in every session. One client even used the phrase “don’t be too nice, I’m not looking for a friend, I’ve got plenty of those.”)

6. Keep asking great questions. Make me think differently to how I am now. Also keep asking me great, different questions – I never know what is coming next and that keeps me on my toes.

7. Keep developing. Clients love the fact that I am always learning and they feel that they are getting the benefit of that. This answer was especially prevalent in clients whose development budgets were tight.

These were the top seven, most consistent answers. Some clients felt really strongly about other things, including technical knowledge, business acumen (if you’re helping me build my business, yours should already be more successful) and even the size of network I have.

What occurs to be is that if this is a representation of the important thoughts my clients have, focussing on them is going to help me be a great coach for them and many others.

About the author

Richard is the M.D. of Twenty One Leadership and has coached talented people from the fields of sport and business for the last decade. Clients have credited him with everything from million pound transfers to the creation of new market leading organisations. The return on investment from his programmes stretches into the millions of Pounds, Euros and Dollars.