Chris Morris is the host of NLP Connections and a very successful coach. In this guest post, he writes a note to his younger self.

Dear Chris,

I know it sounds crazy but believe me, within a week you’re going to drop everything and become a life coach.

Don’t ask me what a life coach is – after all these years I’m still not really sure – but I can tell you it’s going to be a wonderful and bumpy ride. Buckle up and hold on tight, but not too tight.

You’re happy today, aged 23. Life is good. Enjoy these moments, because in a few days you’re going to start seeing yourself and the world in a very different way. The training you’ll start tomorrow will change the course of your life. Instead of being, you’ll start becoming. Instead of feeling comfortable with wherever you’re at, you’ll start believing you’re full of holes. It’s going to be unnecessarily difficult for a while. One day you’ll look back and describe this way of life as ‘the tyranny of self improvement’.

But relax. It’s going to work out ok.

What you’ll learn after a while is very simple: you are perfect as you are – you always were and you always will be. Everyone is exactly the way they’re meant to be. You can never earn happiness, or achieve it, or discover it. You can only be happy. You knew that once kiddo, but you let others persuade you otherwise. Someone on a raised stage told you to tell a better story about who you are, and you thought they knew best. You bought into their story about how the world works, not realising they were teaching you how to be as confused as them.

One day you’ll arrive back where you started and see the world again through clearer eyes. It will be like waking from a surreal dream.

You’ll get there my friend, and the only stage that matters is the stage you’re at right now.

Coaching turns out to be your passion, by the way. Who’d have thought? One day you’ll have a long page of testimonials and you’ll cry with joy when you read them because you’ll know how lovingly your path has mingled with others’. So although things don’t work out how you expect, and although you may never figure out how to describe what you do, what you’ll come to realise is beautiful in it’s simplicity: by being who you truly are, you can start to see the truth in others, and that will often help them to see it too.

I like the Sanskrit word Namaste. There are many translations, but this is one of my favourites:

“I see the light in you that is also in me. When you are in that place in you, and I am in that place in me, we are one.”

With love and much fondness,

Chris

About the Author and Further Resources

Chris Morris is a coach, psychotherapist and the creator of a process called Be Brighter. Later this month he will be hosting Creating The Impossible with ‘Supercoach’ Michael Neill.

(Zen proverb)

There’s the old question that soft skills trainers have often been heard to ask, “What is the opposite of talking?” I’ve been known to ask groups this myself as an introduction into a topic and there is always a proportion who answer that the opposite of talking is listening.

It’s a question that’s not used to catch people out but to identify that belief that just because you are not talking you are listening.

In the first of the Friday Guest Post’s last week Liz Scott discussed what she thinks is the most important coaching skill – listening. (Missed the post? Read it again here.)

The opposite of talking is actually not talking – or silence. And it is the use of silence in coaching that I want to explore today.

Silence, ideally combined with listening, can make a huge difference for your client as it allows them space and time to explore their own answers.

Yet for a coach, particularly if you are just starting out on developing your own skills and style, it can feel really un-natural to hold your nerve and not say anything.

With this in mind I thought I’d come up with four points that will help you to use silence in your coaching more easily.

1. Remember when you are coaching, “it’s not about you” as a coach – it’s about your client.

If you find that you are listening to thoughts saying stuff like:

• “They’ve gone silent, what are they thinking about me?”
• “They’re waiting for me to say something.”
• “If I was any good at this, I would have already said exactly the right thing.”

Use whatever method you find works best for you to either shut that voice up or just let the thought pass without getting involved with it.

2. Avoid any uncertainty on the client’s part if they are silent by reassuring them before you start working together. You can phrase it in whatever way feels and sounds natural to you and works with your style. Personally I usually explain that from time to time they may find I ask a question that causes them to think about something in a new way. If that involves any silence, then that’s perfectly OK.

I find that not only makes the client more comfortable and lets them focus fully on their thinking, it often makes the coach more comfortable as they have already set an expectation.

3. Be aware of the clues you are looking for during a face-to-face session that tells you someone is thinking or finished thinking. For example, eyes glazing over, staring into the distance or changing their body position after being still etc.

4. I know that sometimes one of the concerns coaches can have about coaching via the phone is that there are not the same visual clues to see that indicates that a client is deep in thought. There are clues that you can listen out for that will tell you that a client is processing what you have just said, or the question you just asked.

Depending upon the quality of the phone line you may hear a subtle alteration in their rate of breathing. You may also notice that they also have made some other verbal indication that they are thinking, maybe an “erm” or “oh, that’s a good question.”

However, the biggest clue that a client is thinking is silence. Particularly if you have incorporated the second point above and set up the expectation, once a client is done they will tell you, either by answering you directly or asking for additional guidance.

Coaches, do you use silence in your coaching, and if so how? I invite you to share your experiences and comments using the leave a reply section below and click submit.

If Brand x was a person:

(a) What would they wear?
(b) How would they spend their spare time?
(c) What would be their favourite food?
(d) What would they do on holiday?
(e) Where would they shop?

Interestingly, despite doing this with very different types of groups the answers for each brand are often the same. When we discuss how the group came to decide upon the answers that they gave they often say that they considered things such as:

Personal experience of the brand’s product or service
The companies marketing and advertising
Stories in the press
Knowledge of the people in charge,
Printed material – letters, catalogues etc

When we look at how these successful brands describe themselves and their identity it becomes obvious that they successfully communicate this by demonstrating it in their behaviours.

For example, people often say that a well known airline would go hot air ballooning or do some fun extreme sport in their spare time. Visiting the companies own website to shows that they describe themselves as fun and list some examples of how they communicate this.

This link between communicating using behaviour and action is not something that can be confined to successfully branded companies. Individuals will find it easier to communicate more authentically if their behaviours and actions match with what they are saying (or wanting to say).

I invite you to play with the following. It’s designed to give you a way to communicate authentically your skills and qualities. This exercise was originally written to be used when applying for a new job as a way of communicating the value you can add. It can also be used if there is someone in your life who you feel misses your value, you may also want to use it as your own confidence-building tool.

1. Pick a situation or scenario where it would be useful for you to effectively communicate your skills and qualities.

2. It’s always easier to know how to demonstrate behaviour when you have identified what that is. So, make a list of the qualities and skills that you would like to communicate to this person or in this situation.

3. Read through your list and for each point consider how you could demonstrate this.

For example: Want to show that you are interested in the other person? You could demonstrate that by listening to what that person is actually saying (not what you think they said) the next time you talk to them. [Listening is a really under rated skill, many people think that if they are not talking then they are demonstrating listening]

Tips for if you get stuck on any point:

· Remember that I invite you to play with this as a game – an experiment if you like. I’m only asking what you could do, you don’t have to go and do it, so you can be as imaginative as you want with this

· You are allowed to keep this simple – there is no need to overcomplicate your answer.

For example, if you would like to demonstrate that you are a good timekeeper – turn up on time for an appointment!

4. Once you have thought of some method of demonstrating that skill or quality for each point, go through the list again and put a Capital B next to the ones that you can do easily

5. Now, read through your list and put a star next to all the ones that you want to do.

6. Finally read through your list again and pick at least one that you will do and using either your diary, calendar, a post it on the fridge door or whatever method you use to keep track of appointments, schedule in a time when you will demonstrate the thing that you picked.

I’d love to hear your experience of playing with this, feel free to let me know how it was for you

Have a fantastic and valued 7 days

love

Jen

This was orginally posted on the site Your Changing Direction.

Listening

By Liz Scott

What is THE most important coaching skill?  Is it being non-directive?  Is it asking the right question?  These might be important aspects of coaching – but in my book THE most important skill for a coach is the ability to listen.  Are you really listening?  Check out these three levels of listening to find out more.

1. Listening to understand the client

The first level of listening involves understanding the client.  It might sound obvious. However, many coaches fall at this first hurdle.  Rather than listen, they repeat things parrot-fashion.

Listening at this level means that you are genuinely trying to understand what a client is expressing.   It’s a good idea to use their same language and phrasing, but don’t repeat it verbatim.

When a client feels as though you’re genuinely interested in them, they’ll really open up. Remember during this first level of listening, give the client clear feedback about what you understand  they are saying.

2. Listening that allows the client to understand themselves (even if you don’t)

The second level of listening might seem quite contradictory to the first level.  When you listen at the second level there will be many times that you have no idea what the client is talking about.  The good news is that you don’t have to understand.  The most important aspect is that the client is gaining further clarity for themselves.

I tend to use phrases that sum up the essence of what I’ve heard. For example, whilst coaching an engineer he went into great detail about some Health and Safety policy he’d introduced.  I didn’t understand what he was saying (I didn’t need to). At the end of it I said something like, “That sounds like it was a comprehensive bit of work and you seem really pleased with the outcome.”

Listening at level two gives the client a chance to listen to themselves and to start sorting things out for themselves.

3. Listen to allow the client to sub-consciously find the answers

The third level is probably the hardest for the new coach.  It often involves spells of silence and it can feel a bit nerve wracking.  In the early days it is hard to know if it’s an awkward silence or whether the client is silent because they’re processing things.

Often they’ll speak in partial, nonsensical sentences. They might say something like, “I could tell Bill about… (pause) but there again maybe that’s Jane’s…(pause)  then I need to consider the policy document and communicate …(silence) yes that’s what I’ll do.”

Just imagine if you had interrupted them with a coaching question during their first pause like, “What is it that you could tell Bill?” A question like that would disrupt the flow.

Summary

Next time you’re listening to a client think about which level you’re listening at.  The client gets most out of the coaching conversation when they have the proper time and space to process their stuff.  All levels of listening are valuable – just make sure you’re listening at the appropriate level.

About the Author and Further Resources

Liz Scott is the co-founder of Coaching Connect.  Coaching Connect brings coaches together to share experience and expertise both on the web and at popular coaching events.  Meet like minded coaches at the next Coaching Connect events in October in London, click here for details,  and Devon, visit here.

Watch this space for Liz Scott, from Coaching Connect, sharing her thoughts about THE most important coaching skill.

What is the skill? Will you agree? Come back tomorrow and find out

I’m not going to tell you what you should do but let me share the following approaches and see which appeals to you.

You may even notice that you have been trying one approach and it hasn’t been working for you.

You may spot that I use the word exchange a lot in this article. That is deliberate because you are exchanging your service for an agreed payment of some kind.

All sorts of beliefs, values and fears can get in the way of a coach charging. I will also offer the perspective that what you ask for in exchange for your service can be changed.

• Coaching provides value. It is your duty as a coach to communicate that value by ALWAYS asking for an exchange of money.

I have no doubt that this school of thought is said with all the best intentions in the world. They already see the value that you can bring to your clients. However, I’ve also seen it be a belief that has stopped coaches from practicing because they didn’t feel ready to charge. The end result being is that they don’t do any coaching so are not bringing any value to anyone.

If you are happy this approach you may choose to start charging right from the word go. Your clients will soon let you know if they are not happy with what you are asking for in exchange.

• Coach as many people as you can, regardless of if there is an exchange of money or not. Anybody who will agree – from the person who delivers your post to old school friends. Take the opportunity to get lots of experience.

This approach works particularly well if you are willing to notice the difference your service makes for your clients. While, it may take some longer than others, you will start to see the value that you bring – something that makes agreeing an exchange of money for your service a lot easier.

• Invite your client to pay you what they feel the value that your work has provided.

Some people feel that this avoids making a “difficult” request for money and provides them with an incentive to do superior work. You may also choose to use that method of exchange if you feel that your client is cash poor.

This will depend upon your style but some clients may feel awkward with this request.

• Invite your client to exchange your coaching for some other form of payment other than money.

In effect this is like a bartering system. For example, perhaps you will agree to work with a website designer to create a site for you in exchange for coaching.

If you choose to use this system then you will make it easier if both of you agree in advance what will be provided by both of you.

• Exchanging your coaching for an agreed donation to a charity of your choice.

Many who start with this approach use it as a stepping-stone to being comfortable accepting a payment themselves. They find that they can practice asking for a payment in the comfort that a charity who’s work they believe in will benefit.

• Make an agreement that your client will “pay it forward” by donating their time and/skills etc to someone else.

Again this is often a gentle approach that some like to take to get comfortable asking for an exchange for the service they provide, before moving onto asking that exchange involve money.

• Wait until a set time/event has happened

This normally takes the form of not charging until qualified or attended a particular course.

Sometimes this particlar approach has a moving goal post, for example, I’ll charge once I have done the first training weekend becomes, I’ll charge once I am qualified becomes I’ll charge when I’ve worked with x number of clients or when I’ve done another course etc.

How much to charge is a question to be answered on another occasion but I invite you to begin to see the value that you provide your clients because when you see that when to charge and how much to charge becomes much easier to answer.

Have I missed an approach? Want to share which way you used, or the option that appeals most to you? Fill in the reply box below and click submit comment.

For a couple of reasons this week I have been thinking about time, or to be more precise, how time can effect our perception of a situation we’re in.

The bits of history that have always fascinated me concern how people lived. Over the past year or so I have been following the correspondence of a British World War I soldier, William Henry Bonser Lamin otherwise known as Harry. (http://tinyurl.com/29oys3 )

I suspect it hasn’t escaped your notice that there has been a bit of an election happening in the United States of America. One of the things about President-Elect Barack Obama’s Victory Speech that set me thinking was what he said about the things that 106-year-old Ann Nixon Cooper had seen in her life so far.

Regardless of whether you agree politically or not with Obama, the changes in society that Ann Nixon Cooper has witnessed in 106 years is fairly dramatic, and although I don’t yet know the fate of Harry the WWI soldier I’m fairly certain that he too would report massive changes in attitudes and what is considered important. I also suspect that they would both report that throughout the course of their lives what they choose to prioritise and spend their time on would be different at various stages in their lives.

With that in mind, I invite you to play with the following:

1. Imagine you’re 106 years old, sat reflecting back on your life so far:
What are the things that you are proudest of?
What brings the big grin to your face as you remember it?
Notice what’s important to you.

2. Think of something that the you in 2008 would like a new perspective off. With the benefit of hindsight, as you imagine being 106 sat reflecting back, what do you notice now about that thing? Take all the time that you need to play with this.

3. When you’re ready, come back fully to the present, bringing with you anything that is important for you to bring, you may want to stretch or wriggle your fingers and toes as you become more aware of your current surroundings.

Every person’s experience of playing with this is different, some say that they gain new insight on possibilities; others say that it confirms that there are potential consequences that they hadn’t considered. Often people realise that what they have been choosing to prioritise is not that important to them in the grand scheme of things.

Whatever your experience I’d love to hear about it.

If you have never come across the term before then let me briefly explain, because the rest of this post will then make a lot more sense. A coaching circle or practice group is when a group of coaches meet, discuss and practice coaching. Some coaching circles are run by a particular coach training supplier others are open to all so have a mix of approaches and experience.

The structure of a meeting may vary but it is very common for a group to have an invited speaker. These groups can provide opportunities to explore and play with new ideas, develop existing skills as well as network and meet some lovely people.

For the last 24 hours I’ve been looking for a list of coaching circles and practice groups and have yet to find one. Now this could be me looking in the wrong place so if you know that one exists then do let me know.

I want Coaching Confidence to provide useful and quality information and resources. I think that having a list of contact information for coaching circles and practice groups fits into that brief. Somewhere that anyone who fancies attending a coaching circle or practice group can look and find their nearest group.

So this is my invitation:

If you run a coaching circle or practice group

I will happily link to your group. To do that please fill in the information as requested on this contact form.

If you know of coaching circle or practice group but do not run it

Please help me to grow a list as a resource to others by either asking the group leader to contact me or telling me about the group so I can invite them directly.

If this is your first visit to Coaching Confidence then please have a read of some of the existing posts. Let me also share with you the current schedule for posts:

While there is bound to be exceptions the following is a guide to what will be posted when on Coaching Confidence.

Monday – A post from the back catalogue of coach Jen Waller’s general life improvement messages (including posts about confidence)

Wednesday – A post specifically about coaching

Friday – A post by a guest author or offering a recommendation for coaches and those interested in coaching.

You’ve only got to look at some of the “labels” and descriptions that are used to see that there is a huge variety in coaching:  a life coach, business coach, leadeship coach, personal coach, spiritual coach, career coach, sales coach,health coach, wellness coach, relationship coach, stress coach …

And then there are the titles that tell who they work with: executive coach, manager coach, parent coach, education coach, legal coach,  ….

Then there are all the different approaches and opinions that coaches have about the work that they do that makes a positive difference to their clients.

Its that variety I want to catch with the guest posts every Friday. The first one is scheduled to start this Friday and if you want to be one of the future authors let me know.

It doesn’t matter if you have years of experience as a coach, are just starting out or are thinking about doing a coaching training, I really do want to know what you want to read on a blog about coaching. Please spend a moment either using the comment botton below, answering via the contact form or even via twitter and tell me what you want to read here on Coaching Confidence.

Time to Think by Nancy Kline

Time to Think by Nancy Kline , in my opinion, is a must read for coaches. (I also recommend her follow-up book More Time to Think, published last year.)

Time to Think is one of my favourite coaching books and I find it can also be a really powerful questioning technique. Yes, I know you may have covered questioning on any coaching training you’ve done but have you done it this way?

The book will take you through the whole process and how to craft a personalised question. It’ll be a unique question that when formed correctly really gets to the core of the situation allowing clarity and ease to follow.  I encourage you to use it for yourself in a specific context so that you can experience for yourself the impact it can have.

PS I’m very excited by the fact we have our first guest post starting next week, and the list is growing with a real mix of people who have agreed to write a post. I want a real mix of topics, opinions and approaches and certainly by those who have offered and agreed so far Friday posts are certainly going to provide that.

Keep visiting and watching the twitter feed for details about who is coming each week.

If you have already done some work with clients, or observed another coach at work you’ve probably experienced first hand how someone’s beliefs can influence the experience of a situation and their behaviour.

It’s not just your client’s beliefs that can affect the direction that a coaching session takes – your beliefs about coaching can also have an effect. This is not necessarily a bad thing but knowing what these are will let you utilise these to strengthen your work as a coach.

It will also aid you to set your potential clients expectations of what working with you is like and potentially help you in choosing the clients you want to work with and those you want to refer elsewhere.

Some of the beliefs you have may have been ones that you got from the training you have attended. You may have attended a coach training that left you with a belief that to be a coach you never give advice. Perhaps there is a different belief that you were taught – maybe something about the correct way to market yourself etc.

This isn’t a piece about how beliefs are formed or how to change limiting beliefs. This is an invitation for anyone who coaches to become aware (using whatever method, techniques or questions they want) to the beliefs that you have about coaching and what it means to be a coach.

From there you can choose to play with any beliefs you have, if they are working the way you’d like and decide if you want to keep them – or not.

One of the beliefs that I have is that the more exposure to different approaches, attitudes and techniques, the more flexibility a coach has when working with a client. For me, that’s a useful belief. I believe that the flexibility means I can tailor-make the work I do specifically to the individual and offer a bespoke service. It also has the extra benefit that I meet and connect with some fascinating people.

That belief in the importance of a range of opinions etc is also why I’m inviting a different guest author to post on a Friday. If you are interested in becoming a guest author please contact me. Perhaps you want to share what some of your beliefs are, or to cover something entirely different you think would be of interest to coaches/ those interested in coaching.

One of my favourite completely random pieces of information is that false eyelashes were invented in 1916 by a silent movie director who wanted to make his female stars eyes look bigger on screen. I came across this information years ago at a time when I still worked in the pub and hospitality industry, I never dreamed that it would come in useful, I just thought it was interesting. However, a few weeks after I learnt this fact I was called upon to quickly come up with a tie-breaker question for a busy quiz night that gave all teams an equal chance.

I love learning new stuff, I can’t help it – I am naturally curious. It’s one of the things that got me to where I am today, I found something that interested me and I just got curious to find out more. Just like with the randomness of the false eyelashes, the opportunities that can arise to use the skills/ information etc that can be developed from being curious may not always be obvious before hand.

It was this curiosity over the weekend that led to me being at an event that was in effect eavesdropping on a rehearsal between the actor Patrick Stewart and the successful director, John Barton. They introduced the event by saying that they were going to play with the text and experiment with different ways of using it – they too were getting curious, with some incredible results.

There are lots of hidden benefits to this curiosity about stuff you find interesting. For me, it’s also the easy way of doing things. When I’m curious and interested about any topic then I’ll happily read, watch, listen or take action to find out what happens next and generally want to find out more. This means that the momentum often snowballs on a project very easily.

It can also be a great way to increase your confidence in an area – sometimes a lack of confidence is based around your own perception of your skills in any area, getting curious about developing those and having an accurate assessment of where you are can be a huge benefit.

What can you get curious about today? What would you love to find out more about?

If you are up for it I invite you to give yourself some time to play with this. Pick a time frame that fits with where you are at the moment and your life, it may be a couple of minutes, it may be a couple of hours, maybe a couple of days … you get the idea.

1. Pick a topic that interests you and decide that you are going to spend your allotted time getting curious about that topic.

One of the key parts to this is pick something that you find interesting – not something you think you “should” find interesting, something that you actually do. It doesn’t have to be an earth shattering, life-changing topic – we’re only playing

If you are still wondering what to pick – if you were reading a magazine what articles would cause you to pause and read more – or if you were flicking through unlimited TV channels and a documentary/ behind the scenes/ day in a life of show caused you to stop, what would that topic be?

I wonder what would happen if you allowed yourself to get a bit more curious?

2. As you allow yourself to wonder and be curious about this topic notice what questions come up for you around this area….

Maybe it’s a “how do they do that” type question, or a “why does that happen”, it might even be “I wonder what that feels like” perhaps its something else entirely – make a note of the questions you are aware of and note them down.

3. From your list of questions notice which (if any of them), you want to go find out more about – it may be that you can do a quick search on the Internet, perhaps taking someone to lunch and asking them would find you the answers. Maybe it’s even trying something for yourself.

4. What would be a fun way of finding those answers out?

NB: Here’s the disclaimer bit, do check out the safety aspect and consequences of any action you choose to take – In the unlikely event you are curious about what it feels like to electrocuted I am not suggesting sticking your fingers in a plug socket to experience it for yourself – maybe find a second hand account and find the answer that way!

5. Pick an action that would be fun (yet safe!) to do, something that you are curious to see the results of, and go and play.

I’m curious to know about your experience playing with this and would love to hear how you get on.

This post was originally posted on my blog Your Changing Direction, which contains lots of pieces about general life improvement.