Sep 03 2010

A Note To My Younger Self

Category: Coaching,Guest Post — This is a post by a Guest Author @ 6:30 am

By Chris Morris

Chris Morris is the host of NLP Connections and a very successful coach. In this guest post, he writes a note to his younger self.

Dear Chris,

I know it sounds crazy but believe me, within a week you’re going to drop everything and become a life coach.

Don’t ask me what a life coach is – after all these years I’m still not really sure – but I can tell you it’s going to be a wonderful and bumpy ride. Buckle up and hold on tight, but not too tight.

You’re happy today, aged 23. Life is good. Enjoy these moments, because in a few days you’re going to start seeing yourself and the world in a very different way. The training you’ll start tomorrow will change the course of your life. Instead of being, you’ll start becoming. Instead of feeling comfortable with wherever you’re at, you’ll start believing you’re full of holes. It’s going to be unnecessarily difficult for a while. One day you’ll look back and describe this way of life as ‘the tyranny of self improvement’.

But relax. It’s going to work out ok.

What you’ll learn after a while is very simple: you are perfect as you are – you always were and you always will be. Everyone is exactly the way they’re meant to be. You can never earn happiness, or achieve it, or discover it. You can only be happy. You knew that once kiddo, but you let others persuade you otherwise. Someone on a raised stage told you to tell a better story about who you are, and you thought they knew best. You bought into their story about how the world works, not realising they were teaching you how to be as confused as them.

One day you’ll arrive back where you started and see the world again through clearer eyes. It will be like waking from a surreal dream.

You’ll get there my friend, and the only stage that matters is the stage you’re at right now.

Coaching turns out to be your passion, by the way. Who’d have thought? One day you’ll have a long page of testimonials and you’ll cry with joy when you read them because you’ll know how lovingly your path has mingled with others’. So although things don’t work out how you expect, and although you may never figure out how to describe what you do, what you’ll come to realise is beautiful in it’s simplicity: by being who you truly are, you can start to see the truth in others, and that will often help them to see it too.

I like the Sanskrit word Namaste. There are many translations, but this is one of my favourites:

“I see the light in you that is also in me. When you are in that place in you, and I am in that place in me, we are one.”

With love and much fondness,

Chris

About the Author and Further Resources

Chris Morris is a coach, psychotherapist and the creator of a process called Be Brighter. Later this month he will be hosting Creating The Impossible with ‘Supercoach’ Michael Neill.

Chris Morris is the host of NLP Connections and a very successful coach. In this guest post, he writes a note to his younger self.
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Sep 01 2010

Silence

Category: Coaching — Jen Waller @ 6:10 am

“It’s the silence between the notes that makes the music.”

(Zen proverb)

There’s the old question that soft skills trainers have often been heard to ask, “What is the opposite of talking?” I’ve been known to ask groups this myself as an introduction into a topic and there is always a proportion who answer that the opposite of talking is listening.

It’s a question that’s not used to catch people out but to identify that belief that just because you are not talking you are listening.

In the first of the Friday Guest Post’s last week Liz Scott discussed what she thinks is the most important coaching skill – listening. (Missed the post? Read it again here.)

The opposite of talking is actually not talking – or silence. And it is the use of silence in coaching that I want to explore today.

Silence, ideally combined with listening, can make a huge difference for your client as it allows them space and time to explore their own answers.

Yet for a coach, particularly if you are just starting out on developing your own skills and style, it can feel really un-natural to hold your nerve and not say anything.

With this in mind I thought I’d come up with four points that will help you to use silence in your coaching more easily.

1. Remember when you are coaching, “it’s not about you” as a coach – it’s about your client.

If you find that you are listening to thoughts saying stuff like:

  • “They’ve gone silent, what are they thinking about me?”
  • “They’re waiting for me to say something.”
  • “If I was any good at this, I would have already said exactly the right thing.”

Use whatever method you find works best for you to either shut that voice up or just let the thought pass without getting involved with it.

2. Avoid any uncertainty on the client’s part if they are silent by reassuring them before you start working together. You can phrase it in whatever way feels and sounds natural to you and works with your style. Personally I usually explain that from time to time they may find I ask a question that causes them to think about something in a new way. If that involves any silence, then that’s perfectly OK.

I find that not only makes the client more comfortable and lets them focus fully on their thinking, it often makes the coach more comfortable as they have already set an expectation.

3. Be aware of the clues you are looking for during a face-to-face session that tells you someone is thinking or finished thinking. For example, eyes glazing over, staring into the distance or changing their body position after being still etc.

4. I know that sometimes one of the concerns coaches can have about coaching via the phone is that there are not the same visual clues to see that indicates that a client is deep in thought. There are clues that you can listen out for that will tell you that a client is processing what you have just said, or the question you just asked.

Depending upon the quality of the phone line you may hear a subtle alteration in their rate of breathing. You may also notice that they also have made some other verbal indication that they are thinking, maybe an “erm” or “oh, that’s a good question.”

However, the biggest clue that a client is thinking is silence. Particularly if you have incorporated the second point above and set up the expectation, once a client is done they will tell you, either by answering you directly or asking for additional guidance.

Coaches, do you use silence in your coaching, and if so how? I invite you to share your experiences and comments using the leave a reply section below and click submit.

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Aug 27 2010

Listening

Category: Coaching,Guest Post — This is a post by a Guest Author @ 12:30 am

Today see’s our first Friday Guest Post at Coaching Confidence.

Listening

By Liz Scott

What is THE most important coaching skill?  Is it being non-directive?  Is it asking the right question?  These might be important aspects of coaching – but in my book THE most important skill for a coach is the ability to listen.  Are you really listening?  Check out these three levels of listening to find out more.

1. Listening to understand the client

The first level of listening involves understanding the client.  It might sound obvious. However, many coaches fall at this first hurdle.  Rather than listen, they repeat things parrot-fashion.

Listening at this level means that you are genuinely trying to understand what a client is expressing.   It’s a good idea to use their same language and phrasing, but don’t repeat it verbatim.

When a client feels as though you’re genuinely interested in them, they’ll really open up. Remember during this first level of listening, give the client clear feedback about what you understand  they are saying.

2. Listening that allows the client to understand themselves (even if you don’t)

The second level of listening might seem quite contradictory to the first level.  When you listen at the second level there will be many times that you have no idea what the client is talking about.  The good news is that you don’t have to understand.  The most important aspect is that the client is gaining further clarity for themselves.

I tend to use phrases that sum up the essence of what I’ve heard. For example, whilst coaching an engineer he went into great detail about some Health and Safety policy he’d introduced.  I didn’t understand what he was saying (I didn’t need to). At the end of it I said something like, “That sounds like it was a comprehensive bit of work and you seem really pleased with the outcome.”

Listening at level two gives the client a chance to listen to themselves and to start sorting things out for themselves.

3. Listen to allow the client to sub-consciously find the answers

The third level is probably the hardest for the new coach.  It often involves spells of silence and it can feel a bit nerve wracking.  In the early days it is hard to know if it’s an awkward silence or whether the client is silent because they’re processing things.

Often they’ll speak in partial, nonsensical sentences. They might say something like, “I could tell Bill about… (pause) but there again maybe that’s Jane’s…(pause)  then I need to consider the policy document and communicate …(silence) yes that’s what I’ll do.”

Just imagine if you had interrupted them with a coaching question during their first pause like, “What is it that you could tell Bill?” A question like that would disrupt the flow.

Summary

Next time you’re listening to a client think about which level you’re listening at.  The client gets most out of the coaching conversation when they have the proper time and space to process their stuff.  All levels of listening are valuable – just make sure you’re listening at the appropriate level.

About the Author and Further Resources

Liz Scott is the co-founder of Coaching Connect.  Coaching Connect brings coaches together to share experience and expertise both on the web and at popular coaching events.  Meet like minded coaches at the next Coaching Connect events in October in London, click here for details,  and Devon, visit here.

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Aug 25 2010

When to start charging?

Category: Coaching — Jen Waller @ 7:07 am

This is a question that I’ve seen many new coaches and other change workers ask themselves and others. I certainly remember asking myself the question about when to start charging and several people had an opinion and different approaches.

I’m not going to tell you what you should do but let me share the following approaches and see which appeals to you.

You may even notice that you have been trying one approach and it hasn’t been working for you.

You may spot that I use the word exchange a lot in this article. That is deliberate because you are exchanging your service for an agreed payment of some kind.

All sorts of beliefs, values and fears can get in the way of a coach charging. I will also offer the perspective that what you ask for in exchange for your service can be changed.

  • Coaching provides value. It is your duty as a coach to communicate that value by ALWAYS asking for an exchange of money.

I have no doubt that this school of thought is said with all the best intentions in the world. They already see the value that you can bring to your clients. However, I’ve also seen it be a belief that has stopped coaches from practicing because they didn’t feel ready to charge. The end result being is that they don’t do any coaching so are not bringing any value to anyone.

If you are happy this approach you may choose to start charging right from the word go. Your clients will soon let you know if they are not happy with what you are asking for in exchange. :)

  • Coach as many people as you can, regardless of if there is an exchange of money or not. Anybody who will agree – from the person who delivers your post to old school friends. Take the opportunity to get lots of experience.

This approach works particularly well if you are willing to notice the difference your service makes for your clients. While, it may take some longer than others, you will start to see the value that you bring – something that makes agreeing an exchange of money for your service a lot easier.

  • Invite your client to pay you what they feel the value that your work has provided.

Some people feel that this avoids making a “difficult” request for money and provides them with an incentive to do superior work. You may also choose to use that method of exchange if you feel that your client is cash poor.

This will depend upon your style but some clients may feel awkward with this request.

  • Invite your client to exchange your coaching for some other form of payment other than money.

In effect this is like a bartering system. For example, perhaps you will agree to work with a website designer to create a site for you in exchange for coaching.

If you choose to use this system then you will make it easier if both of you agree in advance what will be provided by both of you.

  • Exchanging your coaching for an agreed donation to a charity of your choice.

Many who start with this approach use it as a stepping-stone to being comfortable accepting a payment themselves. They find that they can practice asking for a payment in the comfort that a charity who’s work they believe in will benefit.

  • Make an agreement that your client will “pay it forward” by donating their time and/skills etc to someone else.

Again this is often a gentle approach that some like to take to get comfortable asking for an exchange for the service they provide, before moving onto asking that exchange involve money.

  • Wait until a set time/event has happened

This normally takes the form of not charging until qualified or attended a particular course.

Sometimes this particlar approach has a moving goal post, for example, I’ll charge once I have done the first training weekend becomes, I’ll charge once I am qualified becomes I’ll charge when I’ve worked with x number of clients or when I’ve done another course etc.

How much to charge is a question to be answered on another occasion but I invite you to begin to see the value that you provide your clients because when you see that when to charge and how much to charge becomes much easier to answer.

Have I missed an approach? Want to share which way you used, or the option that appeals most to you? Fill in the reply box below and click submit comment.

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Aug 22 2010

Coaching circles and practice groups invitation

Category: Coaching,Resource,site news — Jen Waller @ 10:59 am

I know that there are coaching circles and practice groups running all over the world.

If you have never come across the term before then let me briefly explain, because the rest of this post will then make a lot more sense. :) A coaching circle or practice group is when a group of coaches meet, discuss and practice coaching. Some coaching circles are run by a particular coach training supplier others are open to all so have a mix of approaches and experience.

The structure of a meeting may vary but it is very common for a group to have an invited speaker. These groups can provide opportunities to explore and play with new ideas, develop existing skills as well as network and meet some lovely people.

For the last 24 hours I’ve been looking for a list of coaching circles and practice groups and have yet to find one. Now this could be me looking in the wrong place so if you know that one exists then do let me know.

I want Coaching Confidence to provide useful and quality information and resources. I think that having a list of contact information for coaching circles and practice groups fits into that brief. Somewhere that anyone who fancies attending a coaching circle or practice group can look and find their nearest group.

So this is my invitation:

If you run a coaching circle or practice group

I will happily link to your group. To do that please fill in the information as requested on this contact form.

If you know of coaching circle or practice group but do not run it

Please help me to grow a list as a resource to others by either asking the group leader to contact me or telling me about the group so I can invite them directly.

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Aug 20 2010

Time to Think

Category: Coaching,Resource,books — Jen Waller @ 11:00 am

Today I wanted to write about another resource. I have shelves full of personal development and coaching related books, many that are superb. So picking the one to write about first is a challenge but one I have happily undertaken.


Time to Think by Nancy Kline

Time to Think by Nancy Kline

Time to Think by Nancy Kline , in my opinion, is a must read for coaches. (I also recommend her follow-up book More Time to Think, published last year.)

Time to Think is one of my favourite coaching books and I find it can also be a really powerful questioning technique. Yes, I know you may have covered questioning on any coaching training you’ve done but have you done it this way?

The book will take you through the whole process and how to craft a personalised question. It’ll be a unique question that when formed correctly really gets to the core of the situation allowing clarity and ease to follow.  I encourage you to use it for yourself in a specific context so that you can experience for yourself the impact it can have.

PS I’m very excited by the fact we have our first guest post starting next week, and the list is growing with a real mix of people who have agreed to write a post. I want a real mix of topics, opinions and approaches and certainly by those who have offered and agreed so far Friday posts are certainly going to provide that.

Keep visiting and watching the twitter feed for details about who is coming each week. :)

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Aug 18 2010

Coaching Beliefs

Category: Coaching — Jen Waller @ 7:43 am

If you’ve done any kind of reading around the topic of coaching, or even attending a training or two you’ve probably come across the mention of beliefs.

If you have already done some work with clients, or observed another coach at work you’ve probably experienced first hand how someone’s beliefs can influence the experience of a situation and their behaviour.

It’s not just your client’s beliefs that can affect the direction that a coaching session takes – your beliefs about coaching can also have an effect. This is not necessarily a bad thing but knowing what these are will let you utilise these to strengthen your work as a coach.

It will also aid you to set your potential clients expectations of what working with you is like and potentially help you in choosing the clients you want to work with and those you want to refer elsewhere.

Some of the beliefs you have may have been ones that you got from the training you have attended. You may have attended a coach training that left you with a belief that to be a coach you never give advice. Perhaps there is a different belief that you were taught – maybe something about the correct way to market yourself etc.

This isn’t a piece about how beliefs are formed or how to change limiting beliefs. This is an invitation for anyone who coaches to become aware (using whatever method, techniques or questions they want) to the beliefs that you have about coaching and what it means to be a coach.

From there you can choose to play with any beliefs you have, if they are working the way you’d like and decide if you want to keep them – or not.

One of the beliefs that I have is that the more exposure to different approaches, attitudes and techniques, the more flexibility a coach has when working with a client. For me, that’s a useful belief. I believe that the flexibility means I can tailor-make the work I do specifically to the individual and offer a bespoke service. It also has the extra benefit that I meet and connect with some fascinating people.

That belief in the importance of a range of opinions etc is also why I’m inviting a different guest author to post on a Friday. If you are interested in becoming a guest author please contact me. Perhaps you want to share what some of your beliefs are, or to cover something entirely different you think would be of interest to coaches/ those interested in coaching.

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Aug 11 2010

What is coaching?

Category: Coaching — Jen Waller @ 7:59 am

Coaching is about working with an individual or a group/team to enable them to achieve the results that they want. It can be, and is, used successfully in a variety of different situations from sport, business and individuals personal lives.

Generally coaching has a conversational structure that is focused upon unlocking potential and maximising performance.

Coaching is an interactive process between the coach and client. Good coaching is more than a set of skills and techniques. You’ll find coaches with a variety of different backgrounds, theoretical frameworks, unique qualities and personalities.

The role of the coach is to facilitate the changes that the client wants to make. While some coaches may disagree the way I work is that the client is the expert on themselves. I, as the coach, am the expert on being a catalyst to discover how to make the changes you want to make in your work and other areas of your life.
Coaching allows clients to experience a sense of partnership and support in achieving their personal goals that is often not available elsewhere in their lives. Regular coaching sessions provide you with dedicated time to focus on what you truly want and what must happen to create it. I help you design action steps to meet your goals, then hold you accountable to your own stated desires, providing perspective, feedback, and smart questions along the way. As a result, you stay motivated, make significant changes, and achieve more than you may previously have thought possible.

Research carried out by the American Society for Training and Development concluded that the likelihood of achieving a goal were affected by the following actions: If youHear an idea there is a 10% probability you will complete your goalConsciously decide to adopt an idea there is a 25% chance you will complete your goal

Decide when you will do it, then the probability rises to 40%

Plan how to do it then there is a probability of 50% you will complete your goal.

Commit to someone else, chances raise to 65%

Have a specific accountability “appointment” with someone, there is a 95% likelihood you will attain your goal.

 

Coaching is a supportive relationship with a trained professional that enhances your ability to learn, make desired changes, solve problems, and achieve goals. I work with my private clients individually generally by telephone, typically in a series of regularly scheduled sessions providing that accountability “appointment” that has been found to work so well.
Those who choose to work with a coach normally have one of two reasons:

They want more (either generally or in a specific area)

They want something different to what they have now

Each coach will have their own personal style and will no doubt adjust the way that they work depending upon the client that they are working with. I suggest that you find the one that you feel comfortable working with – the one who will make the positive difference to your life.

Some coaches will specilise in working with you to solve a specific situation (ie giving a specific presentation), others cover a general area of your life (ie. being confident when public speaking), transforming your entire life or mix all three depending upon what you want from each session.

Some of the benefits of coaching are:
Recognising and realising what you want (sometimes referred to as a goal)
Making positive changes in your life
Finding and subsequently using your unique strengths – this sometimes involves working on areas you perceived as a limitation
Managing yourself and your resources better

Specifically, but by no means extensively, this could be around:
Turning Self Employed

Becoming comfortable selling
Becoming more confident
Increasing motivation
Reducing stress and getting a work/life balance that works for you

Coaching generally focuses on the where you are now and where you want to go in the future. It is not about reliving past events

Coaching is often about choices, it’s not at all uncommon for you to realise that where you previously thought you were stuck you had missed seeing alternatives.

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Aug 04 2010

“What technique can I use to increase confidence”?

Category: Coaching,confidence — Jen Waller @ 7:15 am

I often read a variation of the above question. Maybe you’ve even landed on this site looking specifically for the answer to your version of this question so let me give my answer. (This article is written for coaches, if you are looking for how to increase your own confidence you may find Here provides you with more a relevant  (free) resource.)

My short answer is the technique that works. I know that might read as flippant but let me expand on what I mean by that.

Firstly, I will say that the coaches who ask that question do so as they genuinely want to provide the best service they can for their clients.

I find that when coaches ask that question there is one, or a combination of, four things going on:

1)      The coach is not clear upon what confidence means for their client and how they will know that they have got there.

2)      The coach is not clear about what’s getting in the way of feeling confident/ taking action on what the client wants to be confident doing?

3)      The coach does not know how the client was “doing” unconfident? – They don’t know where the client is starting from.

4)      The coach feels lacking in trust and confidence in their own skills.

A technique for any problem really is just a method of transportation to get someone from point A to/towards point B. So in this instance, move someone from where they were to what they mean by confidence.

I find that once you have the answers to the first three points a technique or a method to move the client forwards becomes clear to either the coach or the client. Remember that the client is the expert on them so it is quite possible that with your facilitation clarifying points 1, 2 and 3 that an easy and fun solution is obvious to them.

It’s point 4 that often gets in the way of the other 3. If you find that during a session that your focus is pulled towards you feeling a lack of trust and confidence in your own skills you will probably find that by doing whatever you know to do to bring your focus back onto your client that you will find steps 1-3 already easier.

Most coaches’ find that practice will also increase your confidence as the more you actually do the easier it becomes. As will expanding your own knowledge of different techniques, not with the aim of following them to the letter with a client but so that it can expand your own ideas for creating methods that work for each client.

I started this piece by saying that the technique to use is the one that works. It’s important to bare in mind that your client has not only got to be willing to use that technique but they have actually got to use it outside of the coaching session in “the real world.”

Sometimes, you may find that a technique that they loved in the session can encounter some form of obstacle in “the real world.” If this happens this does not mean that either of you failed it just means that it needs a tweak to make it more suitable or a different option picked. 

Sometimes it may take a number of gentle nudges or manoeuvrings to get to point B, there is no rule (at least that I’m aware of) that says it all has to be done using just one question or technique!

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Jul 19 2010

FREE RESOURCE

Category: Coaching,Resource,e-courses,site news — Jen Waller @ 5:12 pm

What to put in a coaching welcome pack?

Get a free resource to support you to create your own unique welcome pack and other coaching and confidence questions delivered straight to your inbox.

Enter your details below and click submit.

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